2926: New Research Suggests You Suck At Giving Advice (Especially If You Think You're Good At It) by Margo Aaron

[00:00:00] This is Optimal Health Daily. New Research Suggests You Suck At Giving Advice Especially If You Think Youre Good At It by Margo Aaron of ThatSeemsImportant.com and I'm Dr. Neal. Hey there and welcome to another extra Sunday episode where I like to provide a little peek into our other shows, this time from Optimal Relationships Daily. But it definitely overlaps with some of the health related content I read to you on this show.

[00:00:27] This episode is all about giving advice and how you might want to go about it which can be helpful when trying to motivate others to say work out or choose healthier meals. Now of course if you enjoy the show you can find and listen to Optimal Relationships Daily wherever you're listening to this. But with that, let's hear this one from Greg of Optimal Relationships Daily as we optimize your life.

[00:00:56] New Research Suggests You Suck At Giving Advice Especially If You Think Youre Good At It by Margo Aaron of ThatSeemsImportant.com A recent study in a prestigious journal that's definitely real and not made up discovered a new metric that defines how competent you are at giving advice. It's called your CATB score. Your CATB score is the degree to which you are chomping at the bit to say something.

[00:01:24] The higher your CATB score, the worse you are at listening and the better you are at being insufferable. The following report will cover the four types of high CATB people along with the three-step formula you can follow to reduce your score. The four types of high CATB people type 1. The Book Pusher The Book Pusher insists you must read this book because it will change everything.

[00:01:50] He has a few ideas of his own and gives verbose preambles before getting to his point of why you should read this book immediately. The Book Pusher is also a podcast, course, and article pusher. His trademark is defaulting to the ideas of others instead of his own. Type 2. The This is what you should do person This person doesn't listen but tells you what you should do anyway because she heard someone talking about it on a podcast. So, she's basically an expert.

[00:02:19] Type 3. The Personal Experience Oversharer The Personal Experience Oversharer presents as a good listener, but as soon as they see an opening, boom! They accost you with a monologue about their own personal experience. They tell extremely long-winded stories about how they endured a very similar situation to yours, but theirs was worse.

[00:02:42] 20 minutes later, you are bored out of your mind, trying as hard as possible to be polite, but it's hard to maintain your poker face. Luckily, it doesn't matter because this person is so lost in their own story, they're not even paying attention to you anymore. Type 4. Just plain wrong God help you if you are with this guy This is what the woo-woo folks call a test from the universe.

[00:03:08] He's been put on this earth to test your patience and stop you from being so darn impressionable. This guy shows up as a well-meaning friend, teacher, or, most dangerous, parent. He's the guy who tells you to settle in your marriage or buy Instagram followers. It's up to you to recognize his advice as just plain wrong. You know you've encountered this person if you find yourself blaming them for a decision you made. I should have never listened to Kyle about grad school.

[00:03:36] No, you shouldn't have. Kyle's an idiot. How to lower your CATB score If you find yourself in a conversation where you are no longer listening to the other person, but drafting a response to them in your mind, your CATB score is increasing. This is bad. It means you're probably missing important pieces of context that you need to help this person. If you do in fact care about that, if you don't, then disregard the rest of this article. Step 1. Get comfortable with not talking

[00:04:06] The Alt-MBA has a wonderful exercise for this that goes like this. Every time you want to say something, don't. When you resist the temptation to fill the silence, you lower your CATB score and decrease your chances of being insufferable. You're used to getting credit for filling the silence. But let's flip the script and say you will be docked points for that. Picture this.

[00:04:32] Every time you're chomping at the bit to say your piece, your participation grade is going down. Instead, just sit there and learn to get comfortable with not talking. This gives you the space to do step 2. Step 2. Do not say what you want to say. If you're preoccupied with what your response should be instead of listening, you're still trying to get credit for participation.

[00:04:57] To reverse this, you have to stop obsessing over how you're going to contribute and listen to the person speaking. You are listening for their actual question, the one beneath the words. Some people aren't asking for advice. They want to be heard or validated. They're not interested in the solution or trust they'll work it out themselves. If you want to be helpful, the best thing you can do is figure out what the person is actually asking for, which you can only uncover if you're listening.

[00:05:27] If that person isn't receptive to the solution yet, it doesn't matter if you hand it to them on a silver platter. They won't take it. You will know when they're ready for answers because they will say something explicit like, What do you think I should do? If they haven't directly asked you for advice, you can assume what they need is for you to listen so they can work it out themselves. Step 3. Ask questions. If you want to be helpful, ask questions before you give advice.

[00:05:54] The best way to be useful is to lead the person to their own conclusion. I am notoriously bad at this, but unlike height, this trait is malleable and can be changed if you care enough to change it. Someone who is genuinely great at giving advice is invisible. Low CAT beers let the other person shine while the rest of us are clamoring for the spotlight. Sharing your personal experience is one of the more valuable things you can share, but there's a right and wrong way to do it.

[00:06:22] Accosting someone with a monologue is the wrong way. Good rule of thumb? If you're talking more than you're listening, then you're doing this wrong. The goal of any advice-giving opportunity is to help the other person get to the bottom of their problem. Often the most generous thing you can do is just listen. You just listened to the post titled, New Research Suggests You Suck at Giving Advice, Especially If You Think You're Good At It,

[00:06:52] by Margot Aaron of ThatSeemsImportant.com Margot talks some wonderful points about the value of listening. Listening is something we should always strive for, guys, whether or not we're in a conversation in which advice is being seeked or not being seeked. It can be tough to know that sometimes though, and for my money, there's no harm in simply asking someone if they would like advice or if they just want you to listen and support them. There's value in wanting to help others, and of course, if that is your real intention,

[00:07:21] simply asking them how you can help best is sure to be both appreciated and effective, because sometimes people are not necessarily sure of how to express the fact that they would like advice. So, that's my piece. That'll do it for today. Have a great rest of the day, my friends, and I will see you tomorrow with two, count them, two posts from Love in 90 Days, where your optimal life awaits. Again, my 사랑 is written against Oct. Thank you.