3382: How Caretaking Can Be a Problem by Keith Wilson on Balanced Relationships

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[00:00:30] This is Optimal Health Daily, How Caretaking Can Be a Problem by Keith Wilson of KeithWilsonCounseling.com and I'm Dr. Neal. Hey there and welcome to another bonus Sunday episode where I share an article from one of the other podcasts in our network that I think will add some value for you here. Today's post comes from Optimal Relationships Daily where articles covering all types of relationships are read to you every day.

[00:00:56] So, with that, here's Greg with the post and his commentary as we optimize your life. How Caretaking Can Be a Problem by Keith Wilson of KeithWilsonCounseling.com You may have actually said it, and it's true. Taking care of a person with a problem gives meaning and purpose to your life.

[00:01:21] Your life needs meaning and purpose. It makes your life worthwhile. It indicates your existence matters. That's important. Sometimes it's the only thing that keeps you going. It's something you can be proud of. Meaning and purpose will organize your life. You know what you have to do when you wake up in the morning. It dictates the things you do during the day. It determines the choices you make and makes those choices easy. So, where do you find meaning and purpose?

[00:01:49] You could cure cancer, but you'd have to go to college for decades, apply for grants, and perform hundreds of mind-numbing experiments. Then you might not get any closer to a cure. Not everyone can cure cancer. You could start a company that employs thousands and performs a useful service. You could invent something that makes life easier. You could become president, achieve world peace, or speak out for social justice. One of the more popular ways of finding meaning for your life is to take care of others.

[00:02:18] It's not easy to take care of others, but the startup costs are relatively small. If you decide that taking care of others is going to give meaning and purpose to your life, all you have to do is find someone to take care of, do something kind, and by the end of the day, you have accomplished something. Not everyone can endeavor to cure cancer, start a company, achieve world peace, or social justice. Most people don't have the resources available.

[00:02:44] They're poor, so they can't afford college or the grub stake necessary for even a small business. They don't have a lot of time, so they can't study or perform thousands of mind-numbing experiments. They don't have the ingenuity, the imagination, and the courage to invent something new. They're too honest to become president. They don't have the tremendous emotional fortitude to keep at it until world peace or social justice is achieved. No, to have meaning and purpose in their lives, they have to start small,

[00:03:14] with little initial capital outlay, and get quick results. They become caretakers. If you're going to become a caretaker, then you have to start by finding someone who needs taking care of, someone who cannot take care of himself. The more hopeless and helpless they are, the more they need help, the more they need you. You get more points for taking care of someone who is majorly messed up than for someone who is only a little messed up.

[00:03:39] If you volunteer to be a caretaker, it's seen as more meaningful than if you get paid for it. In fact, if you devote your entire life to it, and, like, marry the person you're taking care of, then it makes you totally heroic, the tougher the case, the more you're a hero. And I use the word hero in the most complimentary, non-sarcastic way possible, and I don't mean the sandwich. Being a hero is the whole idea. Of course, being a hero really grinds you down,

[00:04:06] but meaning and purpose ennobles the sacrifices you make. You forget yourself, put your own needs on the back burner, and do whatever is necessary. It'll kill you, and you know it. It wouldn't be heroic if it didn't. Your friends will look at how caretaking is grinding you down, and they won't like it. They'll try to warn you. They'll say you're crazy to be taking care of someone and getting so little in return. They'll call you codependent. But they don't understand. This is what you do to have a meaningful life.

[00:04:36] They'll go on about how majorly messed up your partner is, how he never gets better, thinking that'll convince you to leave him. But it'll only make you more heroic and more attached. They'll say they want to see you happy, but you don't want to be happy. It's not about being happy. It's all about being someone who matters. I would never try to talk you out of being a caretaker. You may need to be a caretaker. Lord knows there are enough messed up people in the world who need caretakers.

[00:05:04] But if you're going to be a caretaker, be an effective one. Be one who makes a real difference. Effective caretakers solve problems. Ineffective caretakers create them. To be an effective caretaker, you have to stay humble even though you are truly heroic. You remember it's a privilege to be in someone's life. Effective caretakers foster growth and independence, even though it means you'll work yourself out of a job.

[00:05:32] But most of all, you take care of yourself as well as your partner, even though it seems a little selfish and uncaring. Your caretaking starts to be ineffective as you wear yourself out. You secretly resent the sacrifices you make. You have your days when you're enraged that you get nothing in return. You feel entitled to collect on kindness. You feel threatened if your partner doesn't need you. You start belittling and disparaging any attempts your partner has towards independence.

[00:06:01] You create needs that only you can fill. You need to be needed so you start meddling, hovering, and guilting and call it love. When you start thinking you're indispensable, you're making things more messed up than they would be without you. Keep going and you become so intent on propping up a fiction that you're a caretaker, you can't see that your caretaking is completely manipulative and self-serving.

[00:06:28] You have no idea how domineering and coercive you can be. You are no longer part of the solution. You're part of the problem. Be a caretaker, please. Just be an effective one. You just listened to the post titled, How Caretaking Can Be a Problem, by Keith Wilson of KeithWilsonCounseling.com. If you've been optimizing your diet, your protein intake, your sleep, you're already ahead of most people.

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[00:08:45] Just go to Indeed.com slash podcast right now and support our show by saying you heard about Indeed on this podcast. Indeed.com slash podcast. Terms and conditions apply. Need to hire? This is a job for Indeed sponsored jobs. And big thanks to Keith for another great read. He is a writer and he is an effective one. Keith is so good at showing us the other side of concepts that we tend to have black and white feelings about.

[00:09:16] Sacrifice is of course a very romantic idea, but like anything, some level of balance is necessary in order to keep it from becoming too much. And for this reason, all of us, caretakers definitely included, need to pursue several sources of meaning in life. The more reliant we become on just one or two things, the more we demand from them without realizing it. And the harder it becomes to see the ways in which we might be developing an unhealthy relationship with it. It's not a complicated solution,

[00:09:46] but it's very challenging for many people to commit to, especially with time constraints, resource constraints, and not to mention identity constraints. Regardless of how much time and love you're putting into anything, even if you're getting love right back, you mustn't be so seduced by it that you let other sources of love fall by the wayside. So, thanks a million to Keith for grounding us and keeping the martyr complex at bay in this one. It's time to wrap up this edition of ORD though, but please do come back tomorrow

[00:10:15] when we start the parenting leg of the week. Hope you'll all stop in for that one, where your optimal life awaits. paid for lots of money. That's those people who have missed the орdhide. That's what you say. And then from performing the narratives of the week, you too, and slowly up the stress-told