3008: How to Feel Better When You Have No Control Over the Situation by Erica Layne on Emotional Management

[00:00:00] This is Optimal Living Daily Episode 3008, How to Feel Better When You Have No Control Over the Situation by Erica Layne of ericallayne.co. And I'm your narrator Justin Malik. Welcome back or welcome for the first time if you're new here.

[00:00:15] This is where I read to you every day of the year from the best blogs on the web. And we have other shows where we do this covering different topics. Just search for Optimal Living Daily in your podcast app to find all of our shows.

[00:00:27] Now today is a perfect continuation from yesterday's post talking about the power to choose. So with that, let's get right to our next article as we optimize your life. How to Feel Better When You Have No Control Over the Situation by Erica Layne of ericallayne.co

[00:00:50] Recently an adult in my son's life told him something that infuriated me. Back story, one of our boys has an August birthday which makes him young for his grade. He's always hated being the youngest and although I've never even hinted at this, here

[00:01:07] and there along the way he's picked up the idea that being young makes school harder for him. Short story, I sometimes worry that he's making having a late birthday mean that he's not as smart as his peers.

[00:01:21] So the other day when my son told me that an adult in his life had told him that only a small percentage of kids with August birthdays get into college, my face instantly went hot with anger.

[00:01:33] I immediately tried to refute it saying that most of the stats people throw around aren't even close to accurate. Then when my son continued to share his point of view, I literally had to leave the table.

[00:01:47] I was just so angry at another parent for passing on information like this, information that in my way of thinking could inform my kid's confidence in his abilities. How to feel better when you have no control. But I couldn't change it.

[00:02:03] I couldn't undo what my son had heard. That highly questionable statistic had entered my son's ear canals and there was no taking it back. So here were my options. I could marinate in my anger, spinning out on unhelpful thoughts and quietly

[00:02:20] bemoaning what I couldn't change or I could reach for better feeling thoughts and ultimately feel better. Take your power back. The first thing we have to establish is that I felt angry over what this adult had

[00:02:35] said not because of the words themselves but because of my thoughts about those words. What this grown up said was just a combination of letters, syllables and vocal vibrations that hit the air. If I didn't already have thoughts about how my son was interpreting his late birthday,

[00:02:52] the comment would have rolled off me like water off a duck's back. In fact, I might have been intrigued. I might have googled it to see if it were true. But because I carried my own concerns to the table, I generated my anger with my thoughts.

[00:03:09] Another way of putting it is this. What this adult said didn't cause me to feel angry. It couldn't. I reacted the way I did because of what I was thinking. I love knowing this because it puts power back in our hands.

[00:03:23] When something happens that's out of our control, it's so easy to feel like the victim of it. Powerless because there's nothing we can do to change it. But when we remember that our thoughts about the situation are entirely our own, we put power back in our hands.

[00:03:38] We have something we can influence. Two ways to feel better in life and why one of them doesn't always work. There are two ways to feel better in your life. Number one is to change your circumstances, and number two is to change how you're thinking about those circumstances.

[00:03:56] Most of us focus on number one. We try to change, control, and manipulate situations and people so that things work out for the best. This isn't necessarily wrong and a lot of the time it works.

[00:04:09] For example, let's say you're sick of constantly cleaning up the house so you do some massive decluttering and find that the messes have become so much more manageable. Or let's say your boss is condescending so you look for another job.

[00:04:23] The roof of your apartment leaks in every rainstorm so you look for another apartment. These are examples of changing your circumstances. Nothing wrong with that. But there are plenty of times when we don't have control over the circumstance and trying

[00:04:37] to force it only makes us and others around us unhappy. When you can't change a circumstance, look for better feeling thoughts about that circumstance and you'll get relief. Examples, situations you can't control and thoughts you could choose.

[00:04:55] Number one, your husband's ex-wife often makes comparisons between you and her. I wonder why she feels the need to do that. She must really miss him. I like myself. She doesn't have to see me the way I see myself.

[00:05:12] Number two, a loved one is leaving your belief system. Maybe there's something that I don't understand. I trust that what she's doing is right for her. Maybe this is exactly the experience he's meant to have. My belief things will work out even if I don't know how.

[00:05:31] Number three, your kid is making decisions that you don't agree with. I wonder why she's doing that. If he were to open up I wonder what he'd tell me. Maybe this will teach her something incredible. I can already see him growing from this.

[00:05:47] Thoughts like these can generate so many better feelings than the thoughts he might initially think when facing one of these uncontrollables. These thoughts generate compassion, curiosity, self-confidence, acceptance, trust, and more. Of course this doesn't mean you have to move out of negative emotion before you're ready.

[00:06:09] Allow yourself to feel and process any of the emotions that initially come up and trust yourself to know when you're ready to move forward and shift your thoughts so you can change how you feel. Now back to the story about my son.

[00:06:23] I'm no longer hopping mad about the person who told him that random statistic. After I observed and processed my anger, I was able to move into thoughts that generate trust for me, which is one of my very favorite emotions to tap into as a parent.

[00:06:39] I can trust my son to take information that serves him and leave behind information that doesn't. I believe he has a good head on his shoulders. I can trust myself to love him unconditionally. I can trust that things are working out like they're supposed to. Just trust.

[00:07:02] You just listened to the post titled, How to Feel Better When You Have No Control Over The Situation by Erika Lane of erickalane.co. Thank you to Erika. A nice line from this article to keep in your back pocket.

[00:07:16] The first thing we have to establish is that I felt angry over what this adult had said, not because of the words themselves, but because of my thoughts about those words. When people ask me about meditation since I've spent hours and hours meditating, sometimes

[00:07:32] up to eight hours in a day, the biggest takeaway is a fundamental understanding of that statement. And I think it's relatively easy to understand. Someone can say something to a group of hundred people and you'll have 100 different

[00:07:49] and unique responses to that statement, ranging from laughter to anger to boredom, you name it. It's the receiver taking those words and applying their own filter on it and then determining what the appropriate response is. And what's crazy is how quickly this process happens. It's basically instantaneous.

[00:08:11] And that can be a good thing when we're in danger for example, but it can also be problematic because we're being very reactive and causing ourselves suffering when it could be something completely out of our control.

[00:08:24] So it's a good reminder and hopefully something we can remember when these moments arise. That should do it for today. Have a great weekend if you're listening in real time and I'll see you tomorrow. Where your optimal life awaits.