3009: 10 Questions to Ask if You're in a Codependent Relationship by Dr. Margaret Rutherford on Enmeshed Relationships

[00:00:00] This is Optimal Living Daily Episode 3009, 10 Questions to Ask if You're in a Codependent Relationship by Dr. Margaret Rutherford of Dr. Margaret Rutherford.com and I'm Justin Malik. Welcome back to a Sunday bonus episode where I give you a little extra content from a podcast

[00:00:18] in our network that I think will also help you live a life that's a bit more meaningful and happier. And this episode is coming from Optimal Relationships Daily today. So without further ado, here's Greg with another post as we optimize your life.

[00:00:37] 10 Questions to Ask if You're in a Codependent Relationship by Dr. Margaret Rutherford of Dr. Margaret Rutherford.com Codependent. You've probably heard people describe themselves or others as codependent. It's a commonly used term these days. But what exactly is codependency?

[00:00:57] Is it a good thing, a bad thing, or somewhere in the middle? There are many different definitions and many different experts on the subject. Initially, a codependent relationship was defined as one where there was substance abuse within

[00:01:10] the relationship with the person who wasn't the user enabling its continuation by hiding, discounting, explaining away, not confronting or denying the painful impact of the illness. A classic example of codependency and how it's maintained. Here's an actual example from my own practice.

[00:01:31] Someone's alcoholic husband wakes up in the middle of the night demanding more beer. She gets up and drives to the nearest open grocery store to get it for him. Her reasoning? No one will get hurt if she drives. That's understandable and even seemingly rational on her part.

[00:01:47] Yet, what might a non-codependent partner do? Pick up the phone and call the police immediately when he gets his key and leaves. She doesn't do that for many potential reasons. He's abusive and she's scared of him. He's not going to get treatment so why bother?

[00:02:03] The children would be embarrassed, she'd be embarrassed, it avoids conflict, she needs a sense of control and on and on. These days however, the term codependent has morphed into something much more general. When you say I'm codependent or we're codependent, you're often describing a

[00:02:21] loss of feeling responsible as individuals and or that your lives are too tightly interwoven. What's also likely is that your relationship is bringing out some of your most unhealthy issues including not knowing where you begin and your partner ends. You've become what's termed and meshed.

[00:02:41] An example of more generalized codependency. A highly insecure woman with problems with self-hatred purges vomits her food. She's partnered with a perfectionist man who's uncomfortable with conflict. He can hear what she's doing late at night but doesn't confront her disease instead avoiding it entirely.

[00:03:02] She continues purging for comfort, urgently needing his attention. When she becomes too sick he waits on her hand and foot and tells her how great she looks. She soaks up his attentiveness. When he returns to being not there for her she begins the cycle all over again

[00:03:20] focusing only on the need to please. They are both trapped in their own pain yet their interaction is compulsive. It's not good, honest, caring and empathy. They may both feel they have no other choice than to do what they're doing and so the destructive pattern continues.

[00:03:39] Linda Esposito in Psychology Today offers questions about how you can tell you're in a codependent relationship. Does your sense of purpose involve making extreme sacrifices to satisfy your partner's needs? Is it difficult to say no when your partner makes demands on your time and energy?

[00:03:58] Do you cover your partner's problems with drugs, alcohol or the law? Do you constantly worry about others' opinions of you? Do you feel trapped in your relationship? Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?

[00:04:12] So what can you do when you realize that your relationship is taking up way too much of your energy? Or when you know there's a secret in your family that you'll do anything to hide from others?

[00:04:23] Or that you jump through all kinds of hoops to keep your partner happy even though there's a problem that neither of you is confronting head on? Here are some ideas. For the enabled How are you personally confronting your problems? Do you blame others for them?

[00:04:40] Do you feel entitled or owed to help your partner offers? If you have an addiction or self-destructive problem, how are you denying it to yourself or others? Do you not even see it as an issue?

[00:04:52] Are you being honest about its impact on your family and your own life? Do you know how to give? If not, what work do you need to do to learn? What would have to happen for you to seek treatment or help? For the enabler

[00:05:07] How did you become afraid of conflict? What has caused you to be uncomfortable with receiving? When did you begin to find your self-esteem in being a giver or to make sacrifices constantly for others? Do you let control too much?

[00:05:22] Does your partner's problem tend to make you feel superior to him or her? If so, what has made that important to feel? What is keeping you in the relationship? Are you afraid of leaving? And why? These questions aren't easy to answer, nor are they all that's needed.

[00:05:39] They are a starting point or a guide to the kind of emotional work that needs to be done if their relationship has a chance of being healthy. A good therapist can help. There are some excellent books on the topic.

[00:05:51] Codependent No More is a classic, but there are others you can find that more speak to you. The goal is to unhook from one another, to take responsibility for fixing what problems you have as an individual, and not to live your life in denial or martyrdom.

[00:06:07] Giving and receiving, honest empathy and caring, being there for one another in a real way, gently confronting when boundaries are crossed. It's not codependence. It's called interdependence, and it can feel so much better. You just listened to the post titled, 10 Questions to Ask If You're in a Codependent

[00:06:31] Relationship, by Dr. Margaret Rutherford of Dr.MargaretRutherford.com. Thanks so much to Dr. Margaret for a really enlightening post today, which addressed a topic that frankly affects more of us than we'd care to admit.

[00:06:46] Codependency can seem like a big word that's not for us, for everyone else instead. But if you want a realistic idea of whether you may be codependent on someone else or vice versa, I encourage you to focus on one common theme throughout Dr. Margaret's

[00:07:01] article today, and that's confrontation. Many people even pride themselves on being non-confrontational, but we all have a line for confrontation, and that line is important to pay attention to. You know it's one thing to be non-confrontational about small insignificant things that

[00:07:19] irk you mostly because they just don't mesh with your personality, but when it comes to serious and destructive behaviors, confrontation is necessary. And the more one avoids confrontations like these or anywhere in between, the more one is actually relying on the calmness of others to remain calm themselves.

[00:07:39] This is a dependency on other people's moods, and a sign that your mood really relies solely on theirs, which of course is dependency. So don't overlook the danger of codependency even in its subtlest form like this. Alright friends, that will do it for today.

[00:07:57] Thanks a lot for joining me and enjoying some more great content from Dr. Margaret. And be sure to come on back tomorrow as we start to talk about parenting and kick it off with a post from Shauna Scaife and all the great energy she has to offer.

[00:08:11] I hope to see all of you there where your optimal life awaits.