3033: Inequality Vs. Favoritism by Isaac Morehouse on Subjective Perception

[00:00:00] This is Optimal Living Daily Episode 3033, Inequality Vs. Favoritism by Isaac Morehouse of IsaacMorehouse.com And I'm Justin Malik.

[00:00:11] Welcome back to a Sunday bonus episode where I give you a little extra content from a podcast in our network that I think will also help you live a life that's a bit more meaningful and happier and this episode is coming from Optimal Relationships Daily.

[00:00:25] So without further ado, here's Greg with another post followed by his commentary at the end as we optimize your life. Any efforts to make them equal do harm to all parties involved.

[00:01:02] Many people agree that I could never make them equal, but maybe I should try and make them more equal. Equality is not a more or less concept. It is either or. Three is not equal to two. Neither is four equal to two.

[00:01:16] It's meaningless to call one more equal to two than the other. We could say that three is more equal to two because it is only one whole integer removed from two.

[00:01:25] We could say four is more equal to two because it is divisible by two and only one even number removed. It is entirely dependent on our frame of reference. Equality between individuals is as impossible as equality between two and three.

[00:01:41] And degrees of inequality are entirely subjective, a matter of perception different for all observers and participants. It is fruitless to attempt to lessen inequality or increase equality. In fact, it's worse than fruitless. It is destructive.

[00:01:58] Not only does it produce arbitrary and unpredictable results which disillusion and demotivate the targets, it fuels strife, envy, and limiting one's potential to the achievements of their perceived betters. Still, there is something to the desire to create equality.

[00:02:17] I would be a terrible parent if I lavished gifts and affirmation or insult and condemnation on one child far more than the others. Not because it would make them more unequal, they are and always will be unequal. But because my deliberate action of applying the family rules,

[00:02:33] morals and norms selectively and unfairly would break trust and breed conflict. I would be engaging in favoritism, either negative or positive. I will not try to clearly define favoritism because I think putting it into words actually makes it less understandable

[00:02:49] than if we stick with our intuitive and tacit understanding of the term. It is not merely acting differently towards different people. If I speak Spanish to a Spanish-speaking person and English to an English-speaking person, I'm not acting uniformly towards them, but I'm not showing favoritism.

[00:03:07] Interacting with my unequal children in ways that best resonate with their unique language is not favoritism, either. Favoritism is when the spoken or unspoken rules of the house are not consistently applied. If it is known that doing X chores will get you Y payment

[00:03:23] or that treating dads' iPad carelessly will result in less access to the iPad, these norms must be applied in a uniform way. I may communicate the norms and remind my children of them in different ways based on their individuality and inequality,

[00:03:38] but if one kid gets paid more for the same work or one gets access to the iPad despite throwing it against the wall and the others don't, I'm engaging in favoritism, and that damages everyone. Uniform application of the family norms will result in inequality,

[00:03:54] as is inevitable with unequal children. Some will get more chores done and earn more money, some will have a hard time controlling emotions and end up throwing the iPad and losing access to it. Their nature and choices will produce unequal results. There is no evil in this.

[00:04:11] To aim at equality puts the focus on outcomes as the relative positions resulting from individual actions within an institutional context. This is a meaningless point of reference and incredibly poisonous when chosen as the basis by which to judge institutions. It devolves into

[00:04:31] anything that rubs me the wrong way or anything you excel at must be curbed. It's a sentiment that coddles and nurtures our least civil and humane and most barbaric and short-sighted tendencies, usually in the name of the opposite.

[00:04:45] It is the uniformity of treatment in relation to the understood rules and norms that matters, not the inequality that results. The attempt to make my children equal or more equal or even treat them equally is futile and destructive.

[00:05:01] It is enlightening and beneficial to keep an eye out for favoritism and uniform application of these rules. I have to check my tendency to selectively apply the mostly unspoken institutional arrangements of the family and it's healthy to audit myself in this way.

[00:05:18] But the minute I make equality the goal, confusion and frustration take hold and the rules become more, not less arbitrary. Of course society is not a mirror of the family but the lessons still apply. To seek equality or more equality or less inequality is an unproductive pursuit

[00:05:38] and typically a mask for other frustrations we're trying to ameliorate where we want the moral sanction of our peers to do so. Drop it. Inequality is morally neutral and needn't be resisted or defended. Focus on reliable and fair institutions that don't systematize and reward favoritism

[00:05:58] but make it harder and more costly. You just listened to the post titled Inequality vs Favoritism by Isaac Morehouse of IsaacMorehouse.com A really thoughtful and creative piece by Isaac today, thanks a lot to him for that. Certainly this content is very thought provoking

[00:06:20] and it might be easy to get lost in but it's key for our relationships nonetheless everyone. So to boil it down into simple terms or at least in terms of those in our social circle and relationships that we actually can control

[00:06:34] it would be silly to apply the same rules and same treatment to everyone because each relationship is different and has different needs. If there's a sense of equality worth focusing on make it equality in effort. Effort is different from behavior or systems.

[00:06:50] Seeking equality and effort means doing your best to meet the unique needs of those who you love and also being sure to maintain your own boundaries as vigilantly within these relationships and that which you choose to give to others. We're around all different people.

[00:07:06] They want different things, they need different things. They have different interpretations. To shame yourself or others for not treating all of these people exactly the same way would be ludicrous, right? Not to mention it would make others feel their intricacies are being ignored.

[00:07:20] So provide equal effort and equal understanding not equal actions. And on that note we are going to wrap this one up. Thanks a lot again to Isaac for challenging us today and thanks to all of you for being here and enjoying the ride.

[00:07:34] Come on back tomorrow as we start the parenting leg of the week as we do Thursdays and Fridays. Great lessons to come for parents and non-parents too that I promise you. So I will see you there everyone where your optimal life awaits.