3084: An Excerpt from the book Supercommunicators by Charles Duhigg on How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

[00:00:00] This is Optimal Living Daily Episode 3084, An Excerpt from the Book Supercommunicators by Charles Duhigg and I'm Justin Malik Welcome to Optimal Living Daily or the OLED podcast where I read to you from some of the best blogs

[00:00:15] I can find and get permission from but today's featuring a book excerpt And I'll keep this intro short and tell you about the author right after the reading So for now let's get right to it and start optimizing our life an excerpt from the book

[00:00:33] Supercommunicators by Charles Duhigg The Four Rules for a Meaningful Conversation When we have a discussion, we often think we're having one kind of conversation But what research over the last decade has shown is that when we open our mouths We're often engaging in three different kinds of conversations

[00:00:54] Sometimes with all three showing up during just one discussion There are practical conversations emotional conversations And social conversations And unless we know what kind of conversations we're having with someone

[00:01:08] And unless we know how to match each other and have the same kind of conversation at the same time We're going to have trouble connecting That's when miscommunication occurs

[00:01:19] For instance, when I come home and complain about my boss and talk about how no one understands me at work And my wife replies with some sensible practical advice Why don't you take your boss to lunch so you can get to know each other better?

[00:01:33] I often get even more upset and say Why aren't you supporting me? The problem in this case is that I'm having an emotional conversation And my wife is having a practical conversation. And so neither of us can hear each other

[00:01:49] When scientists have studied happily married couples successful negotiators persuasive politicians influential executives And other kinds of super communicators They have found those people tend to have a few behaviors in common

[00:02:04] They are as interested in figuring out what kind of conversation everyone wants as the topics they hope to discuss They ask more questions about others feelings and backgrounds They talk about their own goals and emotions and are quick to discuss their vulnerabilities

[00:02:21] Experiences and the various identities they possess And to ask others about their emotions and experiences They inquire how others see the world Prove their listening and share their own perspectives in return In other words during the most meaningful conversations the best communicators

[00:02:42] Focus on four basic rules that create a learning conversation Rule one pay attention to what kind of conversation is occurring Rule two share your goals and ask what others are seeking Rule three ask about others feelings and share your own

[00:03:01] And rule four explore if identities are important to this discussion Let's focus on the first one which draws on what we've learned about the matching principle Rule one pay attention to what kind of conversation is occurring

[00:03:17] The most effective communicators pause before they speak and ask themselves why am I opening my mouth? Unless we know what kind of discussion we're hoping for and what type of discussion our companions want Rather disadvantage As the last chapter explained we might want to discuss practicalities

[00:03:37] While our partner wants to share their feelings We might want to gossip while they want to make plans If we're not having the same kind of conversation we're unlikely to connect So the first goal in a learning conversation is identifying what kind of dialogue we're seeking

[00:03:55] And then looking for clues about what the other parties want This can be as simple as taking a moment to clarify for yourself What you hope to say and how you want to say it My goal is to ask Maria if she wants to vacation together

[00:04:11] But in a way that makes it easier for her to say no Or it might consist of asking a spouse as he describes a hard day Do you want me to suggest some solutions or do you just need to vent?

[00:04:23] In one project examining how a group of investment bankers communicated among themselves inside a high pressure firm Researchers tested a simple method to make daily discussions easier Within this company screaming matches occurred regularly and colleagues were in competition for deals and bonuses

[00:04:43] Disagreements sometimes led to prolonged fights and meetings were tense But the researchers believed they could make these battles less fierce by asking everyone to write out just one sentence before each meeting Explaining their goals for the upcoming discussion

[00:05:00] So for a week before each gathering every attendees scribbled out a goal This is to choose a budget that everyone agrees on or this is to air out our complaints and hear each other out The exercise never took more than a few minutes

[00:05:16] Some people would share what they wrote at the meeting start Others did not Then during each meeting the researchers studied what people had written and took notes on what everyone said They noticed two things

[00:05:31] First the sentences that people had written out usually indicated what kind of conversation they were seeking as well as a mood They hoped to establish They would typically specify an aim air our complaints And a mindset hear each other out

[00:05:49] Second if everyone scribbled their goals ahead of time verbal arguments declined significantly People still disagreed with one another. They were still competitive and got upset But they were more likely to walk away from the meeting satisfied like they had been heard and had understood what others were saying

[00:06:09] Because they had determined what kind of conversation they wanted They could convey their intents more clearly and listen as others declared their own goals Before we phone a friend or chat with the spouse We don't need to write out a sentence about our goals, of course

[00:06:25] But if it's an important conversation Taking a moment to formulate what we hope to say and how we hope to say it is a good idea And then during the discussion try to observe your companions. Are they emotional?

[00:06:41] Do they seem practical minded? Do they keep bringing up other people or social topics? We all send clues as we speak and listen about what kind of conversation we want Super communicators notice these clues and think a bit harder about where hope a conversation will go

[00:07:00] Some schools have trained teachers to ask students questions designed to elicit their goals because it helps everyone communicate What they want and need When a student comes to a teacher upset for instance, the teacher might ask Do you want to be helped hugged or heard?

[00:07:17] Different needs require different types of communication and those different kinds of interaction helping hugging hearing Each correspond to a different kind of conversation When a teacher or anyone asks a question like do you want to be helped hugged or heard?

[00:07:35] What they're actually asking is what kind of conversation are you looking for? Simply by asking someone what they need We encourage a learning conversation a dialogue that helps us discover what everyone most wants Most of the time when we're talking to close friends or family

[00:07:54] We engage in these kinds of learning conversations without thinking about it We don't need to ask what someone wants because we intuit what kind of discussion they're aiming for

[00:08:04] It feels natural to ask people how they're feeling and to provide them with a hug or advice or simply to listen But not every conversation is so easy In fact, the most important ones rarely are In a learning conversation

[00:08:21] Our goal is to understand what's going on inside others heads and to share what's happening within our own A learning conversation nudges us to pay better attention Listen more closely speak more openly and express what might otherwise go unsaid

[00:08:39] It elicits alignment by convincing everyone that we all want to genuinely understand one another And by revealing ways to connect You just listen to an excerpt from the book super communicators by charles duig man. I'll be right back with my commentary Thank you to charles

[00:09:01] He's a very popular writer with his books being mentioned by authors on this podcast over the years many times So I was excited that he reached out A little bit more about him and the book He's a Pulitzer prize-winning reporter and a writer at the new yorker magazine

[00:09:17] One of his most popular books is the power of habit that one's definitely been mentioned multiple times on this show over the years He's also worked for the new york times and the los angeles times He's a graduate from Yale and the harvard business school

[00:09:32] Lots of experience. It does great research His new book just came out today Super communicators is about the science of conversation and connection and why some conversations succeed so well While others fail so badly and how to get better Uses real examples like juries debating a guilty verdict

[00:09:53] CIA officers recruiting spies marriage counselors trying to save couples and NASA psychologists trying to figure out which astronauts can hear emotions And he found some really interesting things like we heard in today's excerpts that for example paying attention to someone's mood

[00:10:10] And energy is often actually more important than what they're saying There are certain questions that when asked automatically make us feel closer And finally super communicators are particularly effective because they realize there are three kinds of conversations Each requiring different skills

[00:10:29] Communication is everything and this topic. I don't think comes up enough here So thank you to charles for letting us share an excerpt today. You can find super communicators Probably wherever you get your books

[00:10:42] I hope you have a great rest of your day. Thank you for being here listening to me and for subscribing to the show And i'll be back tomorrow as usual where your optimal life awaits