3096: An Invitation to Dance Like No One is Watching by Dr. Kelly Flanagan on Ego, Vulnerability & Authentic Connection

[00:00:00] This is Optimal Living Daily Episode 3096, an invitation to dance like no one is watching by Dr. Kelly Flanagan of Dr. Kelly Flanagan.com

[00:00:10] And I'm Justin Malik, your very own personal narrator. I read to you every single day of the year so that you don't have to go find articles yourself

[00:00:18] All in an effort to make your and my days just a little bit better. So with that let's get right to it and continue optimizing your life An invitation to dance like no one is watching by Dr. Kelly Flanagan of Dr. Kelly Flanagan.com

[00:00:38] The ugliest thing in a person is ultimately essential to preserving the beautiful thing we are becoming My son pulls a book called Wonder out of his backpack. His face is full of resolve and I ask him why he looks so serious

[00:00:55] He tells me kids at his school keep returning the book to the library within the first 50 pages because they get too emotional I ask him if the same fate will befall him. He says like the tough guy the world is training him to be, nah, I won't cry

[00:01:12] Two days later he walks out of his bedroom, his face now full of crumbled resolve and he puts the book in front of my wife So she picks it up and I lose her for a day as she disappears into the fictional world into Augie's world

[00:01:28] The story of an 11 year old boy born with extreme facial deformities The story of a boy beginning public school for the first time venturing into the wild where his tender heart is the prey And his peers are the predators

[00:01:43] My curiosity gets the best of me and I start reading the book and the story does something completely unexpected to me It turns some more of my hate into gratitude What I hate

[00:01:57] I hate ego, the part of our minds responsible for protecting our hearts from a wounding world I hate my own ego and I hate ego and others because ego is the biggest cause of suffering in the world

[00:02:11] The protective ego keeps us isolated and alone and deprived of the one thing we all want, connection It creates division and leads to violence It is the fuel of arrogance It ruins marriages and families and relationships of every kind

[00:02:31] If there's one thing in the world I still want to label as entirely bad and irredeemable It's the human ego But reading wonder made me wonder How could our good, beautiful, tender hearts ever survive the perils of youth if they weren't protected by something?

[00:02:50] Because while few of us are born with extreme deformities We all encounter a shame that makes us feel deformed Like we'll never be good enough for the world around us Maybe our egos are the necessary armor preserving our vulnerable hearts while we venture through the wild

[00:03:08] When I quit hating Several days after wonder was introduced to our home, my son told us he'd been bullied at school Called nerd and other words in that particular constellation of fourth grade cruelty I asked him how he responded He smiled and said

[00:03:26] Actually, I didn't have to respond My friends responded for me And that felt good His friends also responded in typical fourth grade fashion with a barrage of slurs about jocks and athletes I listened to his story of budding fourth grade egos of boys building walls

[00:03:44] Hunkering down their own tribes and finding safety there My son was grateful for that And as I considered my son's vulnerable heart I became grateful too What I'm grateful for I often talk about the ego as a castle with three parts

[00:04:02] First, the walls we build around our brilliant souls to keep people out and to keep ourselves safe Walls like silence and pretending and public personas Then the cannons we add to the walls because we're tired of hiding And want someone else to feel wounded for a change

[00:04:20] Candoms like criticism and slander and gossip and fists of fury And finally, the throne we build within our walls to make ourselves feel like the king or queen Thrones made of power and possessions and prestige But as I sat in gratitude with my son

[00:04:40] I realized our egos aren't meant to be a fortress They're meant to be a chrysalis A thin membrane protecting us in our process of becoming the beauty we already are A membrane that can't hold us forever

[00:04:56] A membrane that gives way once we have experienced the beauty we are beneath all the shame and protection and pretending A membrane that bursts open when our urge to get out, spread our wings and fly free becomes absolutely insuppressable What I hope for

[00:05:16] Now, I'm grateful for the ways my ego has protected me I'm grateful for childhood nights in bed riddled with anxiety Calculating what mistakes I'd made and who noticed Building walls It gave me some sense of control over a world that felt completely out of control

[00:05:35] I'm grateful for the year I considered half the country a political enemy of mine I'm grateful for the way I used ideas and categories and labels like cannons to keep people at a distance Because my heart must have been needing a lot of protection during that election cycle

[00:05:53] I'm grateful for the way my ego compelled me to learn and achieve So I could put myself on a throne and keep my heart safe well above everyone else My ego served me well for a time

[00:06:08] Long enough for me to realize it was reinforcing my fears, isolating me, wounding others and keeping me chasing lofty but transient and meaningless goals Long enough to discover the heart it protected is good and beautiful and worthy of love and belonging

[00:06:27] And because of that doesn't need any protection at all My ego served me long enough to outgrow it Long enough to let it go Long enough for it to come raging back like a bad habit I can't kick Man long enough to let it go again

[00:06:44] Over and over and over It's the challenge we all face Will our ego become a fortress? Will we rely upon its fickle facade for a sense of worth?

[00:06:57] Or will we climb down off our throne and dance in the courtyard of our ego with the good and beautiful self we've always been and are always becoming?

[00:07:06] Will we dance and will we begin to dismantle those walls making ourselves available for the very connection and belonging and union we've been desiring all along? I hope we will because the dance is a wonder to live

[00:07:23] Man we are in fact beneath all the protection and pretending? Wonderful to behold You just listened to the post titled An Invitation to Dance Like No One is Watching by Dr. Kelly Flanigan of drkeleflanigan.com And I'll be right back with my commentary Thank you to Dr. Kelly

[00:07:47] I feel like I need to see if my library has that book now It's called Wonder Sounds like a great read And checking it on Amazon it has a rating of 4.7 with over 80,000 reviews So yeah definitely gonna add that to my list of books

[00:08:02] Not about you but the idea of the ego protecting us but also isolating us Or being a fortress versus a membrane Hit home for me I know I've personally built my own fortress of solitude A place of being guarded and protected to shield me from harm

[00:08:20] Of others opinions and critiques But I think that led to my always wanting to be in control of different areas in my own life Like my emotions I'm pretty well known as being very level and not emotional Which does have its benefits

[00:08:35] In times of chaos or high stress I can definitely stay cool and grounded But there's a balance there and I think I'm pretty off to one side So it gave me a lot to think about And curious if it did for you too

[00:08:48] You can always let me know what articles hit home with you Or what you found moving The best way to get in touch is to reply to my weekly email newsletter And you can find that newsletter at oldpodcast.com It's free

[00:09:02] But with that wishing you a great weekend Thank you for being here and I'll see you tomorrow Where your optimal life awaits