3143: If You Own One Thing in the World, Let It Be This by Kerry Ogden with NoSidebar

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[00:00:25] This is Optimal Living Daily, Episode 3143.

[00:00:30] If you own one thing in the world, let it be this.

[00:00:34] I carry Ogden with nosidebar.com and I'm Justin Malik.

[00:00:38] And I jump right into today's post as we optimize your life.

[00:00:46] If you own one thing in the world, let it be this.

[00:00:50] If you own one thing in the world, let it be this.

[00:00:54] I carry Ogden with nosidebar.com.

[00:00:58] Quote,

[00:00:59] In the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

[00:01:07] Elizabeth Appel

[00:01:09] Almost everyone lives out of the misguided belief that they aren't enough.

[00:01:14] Caught in the comparative mind, we judge ourselves against unrealistic ideals.

[00:01:20] What most don't realize is that at a primitive level, this need to prove our worth is rooted in the need to belong.

[00:01:28] I should know the story of my life is of wanting to belong.

[00:01:32] I believe that if I could just find my tribe, I'd feel at ease and be at home.

[00:01:38] I looked for it everywhere.

[00:01:40] And when the miracle didn't happen,

[00:01:42] I tried to smoke it, eat it, buy it, clean it, perfect it, and fill in the blank it.

[00:01:50] After years of searching, it finally dawned on me that I had betrayed my deepest self along the way.

[00:01:57] All those attempts at fitting in were repeated demonstrations that I wasn't enough.

[00:02:04] That soul heavy moment was my invitation home.

[00:02:08] I'm still on that journey with minimalism as my companion.

[00:02:11] Why minimalism?

[00:02:13] Because the lifestyle is essentially about releasing attachment to what no longer serves you as to focus on what matters most.

[00:02:21] Since what matters changes over a lifetime, there is no right or wrong way to do it.

[00:02:26] Minimalism is less about the quantity of items you have than it is the quality of life you create.

[00:02:34] I go so far as to say there is only one thing in this world you really need to own, and that's you.

[00:02:40] The trick is to own yourself completely and so bone knowingly that knowing can shake you free.

[00:02:47] You are solidly rooted within.

[00:02:50] Once you see how your life has been guided by limited beliefs, you can work on the fears that drive them.

[00:02:57] As you free yourself from those fears, you come closer to living from your most authentic self.

[00:03:02] That's the freedom of true belonging.

[00:03:06] Owning Yourself

[00:03:08] Three practices that are essential for the quest are solitude, boundaries and connection.

[00:03:14] Master these, and you master yourself.

[00:03:18] Number one, distraction is the enemy of solitude.

[00:03:23] To successfully own ourselves, we must build a capacity to be contentedly alone.

[00:03:30] Philosopher Paul Tillich said,

[00:03:45] Be prepared.

[00:03:46] The brain will tell you stories, blurring the lines between loneliness and solitude.

[00:03:51] It will confuse self-reflection with boredom and encourage you to choose comfort over courage.

[00:03:57] It will convince you something compelling is waiting elsewhere.

[00:04:01] Our minds need to wander now and then, but instead of encouraging this, we make it a point to stay preoccupied.

[00:04:08] Interestingly in my field having a preoccupied attachment is not so good.

[00:04:13] These folks crave intimacy but doubt their worth, making it hard for them to trust that they are loved.

[00:04:20] Preoccupied children are anxious and need a lot of reassurance.

[00:04:24] As they mature, they need constant interaction to assuage their insecurity, yet often still feel alone.

[00:04:32] Social media is ripe territory for these souls where unlimited likes are waiting at every post.

[00:04:38] All they have to do is figure out the formula.

[00:04:41] While validation is wonderful and necessary, when we cater to others, we forget who we are.

[00:04:47] We develop a personality dysmorphia, forming ourselves into the image of the highest bitter.

[00:04:54] The ability to be alone with ourselves is key to the development of empathy, identity, and creativity.

[00:05:02] Kids growing up looking down are not developing these important traits.

[00:05:07] Truth is, we must all learn to be okay with ourselves without distraction.

[00:05:13] One of the great rewards of solitude is an increased capacity to reflect on who we are and want to be.

[00:05:20] In quiet moments come thoughtful questions like, what gives my life meaning?

[00:05:25] What do I want in life?

[00:05:27] What is holding me back from my best self?

[00:05:31] Number two, belonging is an inside job.

[00:05:35] Another non-negotiable requirement for true belonging are healthy boundaries.

[00:05:40] The journey of self is ripe with vulnerability.

[00:05:44] Doubt and uncertainty are given.

[00:05:47] Your beliefs will be challenged and the need to please will rear its ugly head,

[00:05:52] but without a clear sense of where you stand, it'll be hard to draw the line.

[00:05:58] Boundaries help determine what is acceptable and what is dehumanizing behavior.

[00:06:03] They encourage us to name our values and identify our physical, emotional, and spiritual limits.

[00:06:10] Take a moment to consider what you can tolerate and accept

[00:06:14] and what makes you feel uncomfortable and stressed.

[00:06:18] Those feelings will help point to where your limits are.

[00:06:22] Another clue is when you're feeling resentful.

[00:06:25] It's often a sign that you're pushing yourself beyond your limits

[00:06:28] or someone else is imposing theirs onto you.

[00:06:32] We can't control what others say, do, or think any more than we can the weather.

[00:06:39] We can only take responsibility for our own actions and let go of the rest.

[00:06:44] And number three, we are born to connect.

[00:06:48] We must stay in love with humanity.

[00:06:52] This is a tall order during times of chaos,

[00:06:55] but the more we can allow ourselves to take in the beauty, sorrows, joy, and pain,

[00:07:01] the more human we become.

[00:07:03] It's that simple.

[00:07:05] One of the most powerful barriers in life is being caught in divisive emotional reactions

[00:07:10] such as anger, fear, and despair.

[00:07:14] When we get caught in these negative patterns, we armor over our hearts.

[00:07:19] Pain hurts and it's natural to protect against it.

[00:07:22] When life feels unbearable, the pull is strong to turn toward hopelessness and blame.

[00:07:28] But such thoughts take us further away from each other and from ourselves.

[00:07:34] True belonging is the awareness that you're never alone,

[00:07:38] that we are inextricably connected by our shared humanity and need for belonging.

[00:07:43] This is not about faith, God, or religion.

[00:07:46] It's the basic knowledge that we all come into this world with the same basic needs.

[00:07:52] In our darkest moments when there is so little to give, breathing into the heart

[00:07:56] is itself an act of love.

[00:07:59] The very process of opening to our pain opens us to the universal pain of being human.

[00:08:05] When we shut it down, we close down our joy along with it.

[00:08:09] That lets darkness win.

[00:08:12] Whereas saying yes to what is allows us to say yes to it all,

[00:08:17] to see the beauty and the suffering equally.

[00:08:21] The courage to own.

[00:08:24] Blonging is so primal to survival that the threat of losing it is terrifying.

[00:08:30] Some abandon their beliefs to avoid the risk.

[00:08:33] What they don't know is that if they can look past the conditional approval of others

[00:08:37] and put one courageous foot in front of another,

[00:08:40] a path will emerge that'll lead to a new tribe of like-minded souls.

[00:08:45] There'll be a cost.

[00:08:47] The beginning of the journey is hard and lonely.

[00:08:50] You need a warrior's heart, tough and tender.

[00:08:53] Fierce, mankind, brave and afraid.

[00:08:58] Don't worry if you don't have it at first.

[00:09:01] The journey will help you find it.

[00:09:04] Thankfully once you know it, it's impossible to unknow it.

[00:09:08] The work is then to get to a place where we extend the same courtesy,

[00:09:12] care and compassion to ourselves as we do the ones we love.

[00:09:17] The work is hard but worth it because you are worth it.

[00:09:24] You just listened to the post titled

[00:09:28] If you own one thing in the world, let it be this.

[00:09:31] I carry Ogden with nosidebar.com

[00:09:34] and I'll be right back with my commentary.

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[00:10:42] Thank you to Carrie, a guest writer on No Sidebar.

[00:10:45] The pressure to fit in and change ourselves

[00:10:48] is especially forceful these days with social media.

[00:10:52] It's really easy to compare ourselves to others when it feels like

[00:10:55] most of the apps and tools we use are constantly filled

[00:10:59] with other people's stories and pictures.

[00:11:02] It can put us into this spiral of always trying to chase

[00:11:05] some illusion of the perfect life,

[00:11:08] which doesn't exist obviously.

[00:11:10] Even though other social media profiles

[00:11:12] might make it look like the perfect life does exist.

[00:11:16] I'll talk about this idea of distraction and solitude for a bit

[00:11:19] because that's something I do have a decent amount of experience in.

[00:11:23] If you ever spent time meditating, you know

[00:11:26] you've spent what feels like forever in solitude

[00:11:30] and know how quickly our minds go from peaceful to chaotic,

[00:11:35] really in the blink of an eye.

[00:11:37] But the more we practice that, just sitting

[00:11:39] and basically doing nothing, being comfortable in our own skin,

[00:11:43] just focusing on the breath, noticing a distraction

[00:11:46] and coming back to the breath, the more we do that.

[00:11:50] The more comfortable we get with just being

[00:11:52] and it sounds kind of silly and maybe very easy

[00:11:55] if you've never done it before.

[00:11:57] But meditation can be frustrating

[00:11:59] and can feel like we're failing

[00:12:01] when we're just sitting doing nothing.

[00:12:04] It's funny how that works.

[00:12:06] But that might not be your thing, that's totally fine.

[00:12:08] Hopefully there's something here that hit home

[00:12:11] or that made sense for you in your own life.

[00:12:14] But I'll leave it there for now.

[00:12:15] Hope you're having a great start to your weekend.

[00:12:17] Thank you for being here and an extra thank you

[00:12:20] if you've ever shared this show with someone that really helps.

[00:12:23] Have a great rest of your day

[00:12:25] and I'll see you over the weekend

[00:12:27] where your optimal life awaits.