3144: One Sentence That Will Change Your Life by Dr. Kelly Flanagan on People-Pleasing & Fear of Judgment

[00:00:00] Before we start, please check out our new podcast, Good Sleep.

[00:00:03] Have you ever noticed how a calm mind can really set the stage for a good night's sleep?

[00:00:08] That's the idea behind our new podcast, Good Sleep.

[00:00:11] Greg, our host from Optimal Relationships Daily is here to help ease you into a peaceful

[00:00:15] night's rest with some positive affirmations.

[00:00:18] And these affirmations aren't just comforting, they can help ease anxiety and nurture

[00:00:22] positive thoughts, setting you up for true good sleep.

[00:00:26] So press play on Good Sleep tonight because a good tomorrow starts with a good night's

[00:00:30] sleep.

[00:00:31] Just search for Good Sleep in your podcast app and be sure to pick the one from Optimal

[00:00:36] Living Daily.

[00:00:38] This is Optimal Living Daily, Episode 3144, One Sentence That Will Change Your Life

[00:00:45] by Dr. Kelly Flanigan of Dr.KellyFlanigan.com and I'm Justin Malik, your very own personal

[00:00:50] narrator.

[00:00:51] I read to you every single day of the year so that you don't have to go find

[00:00:55] blogs and articles yourself all in an effort to make your and my days just a little bit

[00:01:00] better.

[00:01:01] So with that, let's get right to it and continue optimizing your life.

[00:01:10] One sentence that will change your life forever by Dr. Kelly Flanigan of Dr. KellyFlanigan.com

[00:01:18] I want you to memorize a single sentence because learning to live it will change your

[00:01:23] life.

[00:01:24] I'm going to tell you what it is, why it is the key to living fully and freely, and

[00:01:30] how your life will explode with beauty when your heart begins to beat to the rhythm of

[00:01:35] it.

[00:01:36] The people who sit on a therapist's couch are abnormal right?

[00:01:40] They've made bad choices and lived incorrectly and are broken in some strange way right?

[00:01:48] Wrong.

[00:01:49] In my clinical practice I've discovered two things.

[00:01:52] First, my therapy clients are ordinary people who have the extraordinary courage to admit

[00:02:00] life is messy and the determination to redeem it.

[00:02:04] And second, the majority were not the bad kids on the playground.

[00:02:09] They were honorable students and the quiet kids who got things done and the glue in

[00:02:15] their splintered families and the caretakers and the sacrifices and the forgivers and

[00:02:22] the obedient ones.

[00:02:23] And they're simply confused about how doing all the right things can land them in the middle

[00:02:29] of so much suffering and confusion.

[00:02:33] They need one sentence that will change their lives.

[00:02:36] And this is it.

[00:02:38] I'm not going to worry very much about offending people anymore, which means I need you to

[00:02:44] tell me when I do so I can think about it and decide if I need to apologize.

[00:02:50] It's the key to living freely and loving well.

[00:02:55] We need to soak it in and learn to live it fully, but we can only do so if we understand the

[00:03:01] radical transformational love at its core.

[00:03:05] I'm not going to worry very much about offending people anymore.

[00:03:10] I'm sick of living in fear of what others will think of me.

[00:03:14] If I make a mistake or say a wrong word or accidentally make them feel uncomfortable

[00:03:19] or don't respond to them in the way they wish, it has drained me and I can't recall who

[00:03:24] I truly am.

[00:03:26] So I'm done with feeling responsible for everyone else's feelings.

[00:03:31] Except I'm not, not completely because I'm human and all healing takes time and there

[00:03:39] will be moments when I'm ambushed by my old shameful worry and I'll wonder if

[00:03:44] what I did and said is good enough for anyone.

[00:03:48] And I do love people and care about them.

[00:03:50] There will be many moments when it's perfectly appropriate for me to be concerned about their

[00:03:54] feelings and I don't want to lose that part of me, so I probably will continue to worry

[00:04:01] a little.

[00:04:02] Which means I need you to tell me when I do.

[00:04:07] Because my terror of error is diminished, I will, ironically, make even more mistakes

[00:04:12] than before.

[00:04:13] I'm not perfect and I will mess up.

[00:04:16] I don't want to hurt you but realistically, it is probably going to happen.

[00:04:21] So when I have hurt you, I will need your authentic, vulnerable, and kind feedback.

[00:04:28] And because I'm not confusing my mistakes and inscrutions for who I am, my identity

[00:04:34] will not be at stake when I will be able to receive that feedback without defensiveness.

[00:04:41] Even because I know my value and worth even in my fallibility, I will not do violence

[00:04:46] to myself with your feedback either.

[00:04:50] So I can think about it.

[00:04:53] I will no longer respond compulsively.

[00:04:55] I'll no longer feel responsible for taking away all of your hurt and discomfort.

[00:05:01] So I may take my time to respond to you.

[00:05:04] I promise you, I'm not brushing it under the rug.

[00:05:08] I simply want my response to be guided by wisdom rather than fear of rejection or abandonment

[00:05:14] or condemnation.

[00:05:15] And I know wisdom takes time and discernment, maybe even space for mindfulness and prayer

[00:05:23] and meditation and consultation with a trusted confidant.

[00:05:29] And decide if I need to apologize.

[00:05:33] I know I'm broken and make mistakes, but I also know now we're all broken, which means

[00:05:40] your hurt may not be my fault.

[00:05:42] And you may need to face it rather than be rescued from it by my apology.

[00:05:48] And I'm beginning to believe that I get to decide when I need to apologize.

[00:05:53] My fears and your demands will no longer dictate apologies and compensation.

[00:06:00] But know that I value you, whether your friend or family member or pedestrian on the street

[00:06:07] or a customer service representative.

[00:06:09] You matter to me and I'll take you and your hurt seriously.

[00:06:14] Even when I don't bear the burden of responsibility, I'll feel the weight of compassion.

[00:06:21] And because all of this is true, when I do apologize, you'll be able to trust the

[00:06:26] depth and sincerity of my remorse.

[00:06:31] That's it.

[00:06:31] One sentence to freedom.

[00:06:33] One sentence to radical self-acceptance.

[00:06:37] One sentence to authentic vulnerability and connection and community.

[00:06:43] One sentence to messy, beautiful living.

[00:06:47] For those of us accustomed to getting it all right, those of us who mistake our indiscretions

[00:06:52] for who we are, we must make this sentence the meditation of our days.

[00:06:57] A sentence to hold gently at the front of our minds until it sinks into the depths of

[00:07:02] our hearts, shining light into the darkness and dispelling the ghosts of unworthiness that

[00:07:08] lurk in the cellars of our souls.

[00:07:11] A sentence that will redefine how we experience life, what we choose to do with our time

[00:07:17] and who we choose to spend that time with.

[00:07:21] Because we'll want to surround ourselves with people whose hearts are also beating

[00:07:25] to the rhythm of that sentence.

[00:07:27] People who can give us grace in our errors and compassion in our brokenness, and people

[00:07:33] who are vulnerable enough to sincerely confess their own mistakes and receive the grace

[00:07:38] we offer.

[00:07:40] When our hearts are populated by this sentence and when our lives become populated by people

[00:07:45] who are also living it, we will finally be living fully, man freely.

[00:07:55] You just listened to the post titled, One Sentence That Will Change Your Life by Dr. Kelly

[00:08:00] Flanigan of Dr.KellyFlanigan.com and I'll be right back with my commentary.

[00:08:05] Okay, sponsor time, and instead of reading a script about Gusto's benefits, let's

[00:08:09] hear from small business owners, the people who use Gusto every day like me.

[00:08:13] Here's one.

[00:08:15] With Gusto, I think of payroll as a 30 second job.

[00:08:18] The website is so friendly and a joy to use.

[00:08:21] Friendly payroll?

[00:08:22] You don't hear that every day.

[00:08:23] Amy from Utah says, I love Gusto so much.

[00:08:27] They do our medical, dental, vision, and life insurance.

[00:08:30] It's so painless.

[00:08:31] It's like going to the spa.

[00:08:33] And we have great options and rates even though we're a super small team.

[00:08:36] Health insurance like going to the spa?

[00:08:39] Wow.

[00:08:40] And here's what Mneet says about Gusto's support team.

[00:08:43] Whenever something comes up, I reach out and literally 24 hours later they tell

[00:08:46] us what to do or assure us that they've already handled it for us.

[00:08:51] More technology and friendly humans?

[00:08:54] That's cool.

[00:08:55] Honestly, the list goes on and right now our listeners get three months free when they

[00:08:59] go to gusto.com slash old.

[00:09:02] Yep, three months of payroll, benefits admin, and more totally free.

[00:09:06] Again, that's gusto.com slash OLD.

[00:09:12] Thank you to Dr. Kelly.

[00:09:13] I'll give you that sentence again if you'd like to ponder it this weekend.

[00:09:17] I'm not going to worry very much about offending people anymore, which means I need you to tell

[00:09:23] me when I do so I can think about it and decide if I need to apologize.

[00:09:29] It's definitely a unique take when I first saw the title of this post.

[00:09:34] Well, I don't know exactly what I was expecting, but definitely not this.

[00:09:38] And I really do think it's a good one to consider.

[00:09:41] It's easy to tiptoe around filtering maybe a bit too much.

[00:09:46] I'm probably guilty of this.

[00:09:48] Although it's not something to feel bad about, but maybe something to recognize and see where

[00:09:52] it could be holding us back.

[00:09:55] That's what the article did for me at least.

[00:09:57] I can be so afraid of offending that I hold back a lot, but that could be just my protection

[00:10:03] or staying in my comfort zone, which if you've been listening to this show for

[00:10:07] a while, you know that that's not the best place to be because that's where

[00:10:11] stagnation occurs.

[00:10:12] We can't grow without discomfort.

[00:10:16] So this definitely isn't easy, but it could have some big benefits if we really consider

[00:10:20] it.

[00:10:21] So do consider it today.

[00:10:22] Wishing you a great weekend.

[00:10:24] Thank you for being here and I'll see you tomorrow.

[00:10:27] Where your optimal life awaits.