3153: Q&A - Social Anxiety Coping Strategies - Thoughts and Strategies For Managing Social Anxiety and Therapy

[00:00:00] This is Optimal Living Daily, episode 3153, and I'm Justin Malik. Welcome back to a Sunday bonus episode where I give you a little extra content from a different podcast in our network that I think will also help you live a life that's a bit more meaningful and happier.

[00:00:16] This episode is coming from Optimal Relationships Daily. Sometimes Greg answers listeners' questions on that show, and I'm going to play you one of those Q&A episodes today. You can send yours in at advice at oldpodcast.com. With that, here's Greg as we optimize your life.

[00:00:35] Social anxiety is something that I've always had, and I'm looking for better coping strategies when I'm feeling it. I mean that I don't want to practice going to a bar and talking to people.

[00:00:50] Instead, I want ideas for how to manage the anxiety when I'm already at the bar and feeling it, instead of being paralyzed with thoughts. Also, this isn't something that I don't like about myself. It's just something I'm aware of and would like to get better at dealing with.

[00:01:05] So far, therapists haven't helped. They're usually the ones telling me to practice going to a bar and striking up conversations, which isn't useful. I never feel a true connection with them anyway. It's tough when I'm paying them and they have 40 other clients.

[00:01:21] Okay, thanks a lot for that, Asker. Good question. Detailed one too. I appreciate all the info you provided there. I assume that you might have listened to a lot of my Q&A's since you went out of your way to mention

[00:01:32] that you've already accepted this part of yourself because that is exactly what I would have gone to before starting to talk about tools. You covered your bases on the therapist thing too, didn't you? That's another one I often lean on.

[00:01:43] But this is good. It's good that you've accepted this part of yourself. And for that reason, I hope you didn't dwell too much on this during therapy. If it's something that you've made peace with, even though it might otherwise be something tempting to dissect in a therapist's office.

[00:01:58] And finally, you seem to be really confident in wanting tools to cope, specific tools at that. And if you do feel you've accepted this part of yourself, then again, why dissect it so much or go on with analyzing it when you could be acting instead?

[00:02:12] I totally get that. So you mentioned wanting not just coping strategies, but better coping strategies. I don't know which ones you've already tried. And there are plenty of them that I could sit here spitting at you. If you place yourself in this bar scenario that you brought up,

[00:02:29] you could get yourself into a breathing ritual to calm down. You could go to the bathroom and play a relaxing video or look at a relaxing picture before getting back out there. Or you might even consider anchoring, which is an NLP or neuro-linguistic programming technique

[00:02:44] that was actually talked about in a recent episode of Optimal Health Daily, number 1472. There are a lot of these ideas, many of them good and frankly easy to look up. So I won't use our time to elaborate on them.

[00:02:57] What I want to do is think about how you as an individual have presented this question to me and brainstorm about how we can use the tendencies that you seem to fall into. So let's see.

[00:03:10] You're gung-ho about wanting specific strategies and when you want to be able to use them, almost making an enemy out of your thoughts and how they paralyze you, as you said. You're self-aware about your troubles and how you relate to them

[00:03:22] and how you feel they can be worked on and what you feel does not help you. And between your general social anxiety and the way you talk about your experience with therapists, it's likely both difficult and desirable for you to build strong connections.

[00:03:35] So based on that, I might recommend that you consider a hybrid approach to your coping strategies. Mind you, coping strategies do not have to be all physically action-based like the ones I listed a minute ago. It's not like coping strategies over here and thoughts or conversations over there.

[00:03:54] A lot of people forget this and if you're already feeling friction towards your thoughts and how they paralyze you, it's especially important that you don't forget this. I want you to think about thinking as quality over quantity. It's okay if you naturally think a lot.

[00:04:12] If that's the rhythm you fall into, rather than criminalize your thinking, can we instead direct your thoughts towards being productive? Can we create a coping strategy for you that doesn't eliminate thought but instead is built upon some specific questioning about creating meaningful connections

[00:04:31] in the moments that you're feeling it's hard to do it, which would be those moments of social anxiety. So what if when you're at the bar and you're feeling uncomfortable, you direct your thoughts towards questions like,

[00:04:43] what's the worst thing that would happen if I talked to that person over there? If I was feeling confident enough to strike up a conversation right now, what might I start with?

[00:04:53] What about my day or what did I learn recently that I would like to share with someone, even if it's not someone who's at this bar right now? You see, these types of thoughts or questions pivot you in the right direction.

[00:05:05] And even if you go try this tonight and you still find yourself only thinking about them and not ultimately talking to someone, that's still progress. The thoughts are directed. They're thoughts that yield answers. And they're thoughts that over time will make taking action easier and more natural.

[00:05:23] It's important to realize that these types of thoughts are your friend, even if they don't necessarily scream measurable success by causing you to talk to someone right away or think less right away. You might have accepted your social anxiety,

[00:05:36] but you'll also have to accept the fact that you still have to spend time with your thoughts. So see where that takes you. And I'll also offer a closing note on therapists.

[00:05:46] I don't think you were asking about it, but there is a lot that's intertwined here to me, so I want to touch upon it. Finding a therapist can be like dating. I know it's scary to go to one or several therapists and not feel like you're getting better

[00:06:00] because it's easy to lean on therapists as the end-all be-all of bettering our mental health. But sometimes you need to shop around and wait for the right fit. Keep trying, and while you're at it,

[00:06:12] consider why it is that you need a true connection with them, as you referenced. Why is connection or satisfaction prohibited if they have 40 other clients? Why does a special connection need to be there anyway? I mean, obviously the nature of therapy is very personal,

[00:06:29] but why can't they just be someone who has a skill set for helping people out, which you can benefit from, and nothing more? Why must it be deeper? What's that about? Who are you asking them to replace or what void are you asking them to fill?

[00:06:44] If you can reframe the idea of a therapist in this way and not think of their relationship as illegitimate simply because they have to make money, you might be quicker to find one that works for you

[00:06:55] and not put yourself at risk of an unhealthy attachment or demands that aren't fair to either of you. Frankly, asking a therapist to help you with these kinds of questions that I just mentioned and disclosing your initial discomfort towards them could go a really long way.

[00:07:10] This is what therapists call the here and now, and it pertains to conversations that are about the relationship you two have with each other, therapist and client. This is really important subject matter that can definitely bring your therapy to the next level.

[00:07:27] And thanks a lot to the asker for sending in this question. I really appreciate you coming forward and having trust in us. I certainly hope this helped, and I also hope that your relationship with your anxiety,

[00:07:37] as well as your relationship with therapy, can become more satisfactory for you. And for everyone else out there who's interested in getting some help from me here on the show, you can email your questions on in to advice at oldpodcast.com. Advice at oldpodcast.com.

[00:07:54] You'll definitely hear back from me, and I will do my best to help you on the show or over email, whichever you prefer. Usually both. That'll do it for now though, folks.

[00:08:03] Thanks once more for joining me today, and do be sure to come back tomorrow for the Sunday show where I will have a post for you from Dr. Margaret Rutherford. That's where your optimal life awaits.