3168: The One Thing with the Power to Bring Us All Together by Dr. Kelly Flanagan on Personal Growth

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[00:00:57] This is Optimal Living Daily, episode 3168.

[00:01:01] The One Thing with the Power to Bring Us All Together

[00:01:05] by Dr. Kelly Flanagan of Dr. KellyFlanagan.com

[00:01:08] And I'm Justin Molyke, your very own personal narrator today and every day.

[00:01:13] Me narrating means there are no interviews, just a short podcast where we can both improve our lives one day at a time.

[00:01:20] So with that, let's get right to today's post and start optimizing your life.

[00:01:24] The One Thing with the Power to Bring Us All Together

[00:01:32] by Dr. Kelly Flanagan of Dr. KellyFlanagan.com

[00:01:36] On a frenetic Monday morning, I arrived at my office with my thoughts whipping and cyclonic, scrambling to stay ahead of life.

[00:01:45] When I opened my office door, I practically tripped over my surprise.

[00:01:50] Sitting in one of my office chairs was an enormous beach ball with a note attached.

[00:01:56] Just a visual reminder, we love your blog.

[00:01:59] Have I ever mentioned if you can work with thoughtful, caring people, you should work with thoughtful, caring people?

[00:02:06] As my laughter died away and my smile lingered, my mind returned to problem-solving mode.

[00:02:12] The beach ball needed to be deflated before my first appointment.

[00:02:16] I sat on the ball and the air began to hiss and expulsion.

[00:02:21] Slowly. So slowly.

[00:02:24] As the ball hissed and the clock ticked, I looked around my office at all the trappings of my effort to stay ahead in life.

[00:02:32] Three diplomas representing ten years of my life.

[00:02:35] A framed clinical psychologist license representing another two.

[00:02:40] A shelf full of books representing years of information consumed in an effort to feel interesting.

[00:02:46] And I realized, no amount of schooling, studying, or scrambling gets this done faster.

[00:02:54] As the ball slowly deflated, I sank to the floor but I also sank into my own humanity.

[00:03:01] And I thought, this beach ball is a lot like our pain.

[00:03:06] It's an equalizer.

[00:03:08] Competing to be unequal.

[00:03:11] The dictionary defines equalizer as anything that makes us alike in value, rank, or merit.

[00:03:18] We spend most of our lives avoiding equalizers like the plague.

[00:03:22] And I think our favorite way of fleeing from equalization is competition.

[00:03:27] Competition is our way of saying, I'm up here and you're down there and we are not equal.

[00:03:34] And yet, regardless of how hard we try, in the end, pain and loss and suffering come for every one of us

[00:03:44] and they expose all of our competition as one big game of charades.

[00:03:49] Our pain eventually topples our sense of power and inverts our sense of control.

[00:03:56] Suffering is the great equalizer.

[00:03:59] From herniated discs to surprising loneliness, to shocking divorces, to unexpected diagnoses,

[00:04:07] every single one of us will eventually be equalized by pain and suffering.

[00:04:13] Our hierarchies will be erased and the truth revealed,

[00:04:17] we're all just humans existing on the same level playing field.

[00:04:22] Most of us live in fear of this eventuality.

[00:04:25] Many of us get depressed when faced with the prison of mortality and our frail humanity.

[00:04:31] But I think there is another way.

[00:04:34] I think we can allow our pain to lead us home.

[00:04:38] Several nights ago, my sons showed me the way.

[00:04:42] Two equalized little boys.

[00:04:45] The snow was coming down all heavy and slushy, and darkness had descended

[00:04:51] when our doorbell rang.

[00:04:53] Standing on our front porch, looking wet and tired but still hopeful,

[00:04:57] was a young man from the local college, and he carried a shovel.

[00:05:01] He told us he had walked many blocks knocking on doors, hoping to work for a few extra bucks.

[00:05:08] He told us we were the first store that had opened to him.

[00:05:11] He asked if he could shovel our driveway for five dollars.

[00:05:15] With a grimace, we pointed to the driveway and said,

[00:05:18] As you can see, we shoveled recently and we actually don't have any cash on us right now.

[00:05:24] His eyes got sad, but his smile only flickered as he wished us well and turned away.

[00:05:30] But as he stepped off our porch, my five-year-old son leapt off our couch.

[00:05:36] Tears welling up in his eyes, he asked frantically,

[00:05:39] Can I pay him?

[00:05:40] Without waiting for an answer, he ran for his bedroom, returning moments later,

[00:05:44] waving a ten dollar bill and desperately asking,

[00:05:48] Is this enough?

[00:05:50] Watching the scene, my nine-year-old cracked too.

[00:05:53] He ran to his room and pulled out his own ten dollar bill.

[00:05:57] He returned shoving it into the hands of his little brother and said,

[00:06:00] Let me pay him.

[00:06:02] Together they raced to the front door, shouting at the young man to stay,

[00:06:06] terrified he would get out of earshot.

[00:06:09] My five-year-old carries a lot of pain when we see it in his deep, solemn eyes all the time.

[00:06:15] And much of the time I think he ends up competing to keep the pain at bay.

[00:06:20] But on a snowy March night, he let his pain lead him home.

[00:06:25] Going home by making our home here.

[00:06:29] Our pain can lead us home by leading us to create a home right here in the middle of this broken humanity.

[00:06:38] We don't have to wait until our pain is inevitable and unavoidable.

[00:06:42] We can choose to let it out of the dungeons of our hearts now.

[00:06:46] And we can let in the pain of a fractured humanity now.

[00:06:50] And we can let the pain be the common ground upon which we meet each other,

[00:06:55] separate but equal, different but equally broken,

[00:06:58] unique but sharing in the suffering of life.

[00:07:02] Pain can make little children empty piggy banks for a stranger who doesn't feel like a stranger anymore

[00:07:08] because they share the common ground of disappointment and loneliness.

[00:07:13] It can lead us home by making every stranger a brother or a sister in this struggle we call living.

[00:07:21] When we allow ourselves to feel our pain,

[00:07:24] when we allow ourselves to feel at home in a world riddled with pain,

[00:07:29] it will not make our pain disappear, but it will redeem it.

[00:07:34] Because redemption isn't always about making our pain go away.

[00:07:38] Sometimes it's about choosing how to live it.

[00:07:42] My boys showed me how I want to live it.

[00:07:45] Like a welcome mat.

[00:07:47] Like a front porch light on a dark night.

[00:07:50] Like a lighthouse on a stormy sea.

[00:07:52] Like an invitation on a lonely day.

[00:07:55] I want my pain to invite everyone else home.

[00:07:59] Can you imagine a world of people equalized by their pain?

[00:08:03] Can you imagine a world where our sense of home doesn't end at the front door?

[00:08:07] Can you imagine a world where every painful moment is redeemed

[00:08:11] by an ever-expanding community of people surrendered to their humanity?

[00:08:16] Can you imagine?

[00:08:18] You just listened to the post titled

[00:08:23] The One Thing with the Power to Bring Us All Together

[00:08:27] by Dr. Kelly Flanagan of Dr.KellyFlanagan.com

[00:08:30] and I'll be right back with my commentary.

[00:08:33] Thank you to Dr. Kelly.

[00:08:35] It feels like we've had a recurring theme here.

[00:08:37] Sometimes that happens on this show.

[00:08:39] I think he's talking about status a bit.

[00:08:42] How it's a big competition that never ends,

[00:08:45] but when we get down to it,

[00:08:47] we all have pain and suffering, no matter our status.

[00:08:52] We also all come into this world with nothing

[00:08:55] and we'll leave with nothing,

[00:08:57] which personally sounds freeing to me.

[00:08:59] I think that should be celebrated.

[00:09:01] But back to suffering.

[00:09:03] You might be listening to this podcast to rid yourself of suffering.

[00:09:07] Unfortunately, that's not possible,

[00:09:10] but we can change how we think

[00:09:13] and what we think about suffering,

[00:09:16] what we choose to do with it.

[00:09:18] Suffer more, complain, try to fix it,

[00:09:22] help others in a similar boat,

[00:09:24] write about it, talk about it.

[00:09:27] There are infinite ways we can react to that suffering

[00:09:30] and I think we just need to be reminded

[00:09:32] that everyone suffers, but there are options.

[00:09:36] That's what this podcast serves as for me,

[00:09:38] a daily reminder.

[00:09:40] I hope it can do the same for you.

[00:09:42] So thank you to Dr. Kelly for this one

[00:09:44] and thank you for being here.

[00:09:45] Have a great weekend

[00:09:46] and I'll catch you tomorrow

[00:09:47] where your optimal life awaits.