3185: Emotional Intelligence Creates Loving and Supportive Parenting by Dr. John Gottman of The Gottman Institute

[00:00:01] Families have a lot going on.

[00:00:03] Let OLLI help manage the mental load with new cognitive health supplements for everyone

[00:00:07] four and up, like delicious Lolly Focus Pops or Lolly Mellow Pops for kids.

[00:00:12] And for parents, try three new Brainy Chews to help you focus, chill out, or get energized.

[00:00:17] Find these cognitive health buddies for the whole fam at OLLI.com.

[00:00:21] That's O-L-L-Y dot com.

[00:00:22] These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration.

[00:00:25] This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease.

[00:00:30] Look, Bumble knows you're exhausted by dating.

[00:00:33] All the, must not take yourself too seriously, and, 6-1 since that matters, and, what do

[00:00:40] I even say other than, hey?

[00:00:43] Well, that's why they're introducing an all new Bumble.

[00:00:47] With exciting features to make compatibility easier, starting the chat better, and dating

[00:00:52] safer.

[00:00:53] They've changed, so you don't have to.

[00:00:55] Download the new Bumble now.

[00:00:58] This is Optimal Living Daily, episode 3185.

[00:01:02] Emotional Intelligence Creates Loving and Supportive Parenting, by Dr. John Gottman

[00:01:07] of Gottman.com, and I'm Justin Mollick.

[00:01:10] Welcome back to a Sunday bonus episode where I give you a little extra content from a podcast

[00:01:15] in our network that I think will also help you live a life that's a bit more meaningful

[00:01:19] and happier.

[00:01:20] And this episode is coming from Optimal Relationships Daily.

[00:01:24] So without further ado, here's Greg with a bonus post.

[00:01:27] As we optimize our life.

[00:01:34] Emotional Intelligence Creates Loving and Supportive Parenting, by Dr. John Gottman

[00:01:39] of Gottman.com.

[00:01:41] In the foreword to my book, Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, famed researcher on emotional

[00:01:47] intelligence Daniel Goleman writes, quote, These are hard times for children, and so

[00:01:53] for parents.

[00:01:55] There has been a sea of change in the nature of childhood over the last decade or two, one

[00:02:00] that makes it harder for children to learn the basic lessons of the human heart, and

[00:02:04] one that ups the ante for parents who used to pass these lessons on to the children they

[00:02:08] love.

[00:02:10] Parents have to be smarter about teaching their children basic emotional and social

[00:02:15] lessons.

[00:02:16] End quote.

[00:02:18] Before I became a father, I had spent nearly 20 years working in the field of developmental

[00:02:23] psychology, studying the emotional lives of children.

[00:02:27] But it was not until our daughter arrived that I began to truly understand the realities

[00:02:33] of a parent-child relationship.

[00:02:35] I had no idea of the intensity of feeling I would have for my child, or how thrilled

[00:02:41] I would be when she learned new things, or how much attention and patience it would require.

[00:02:47] And I remembered how dangerous the world can be.

[00:02:50] And I felt vulnerable, because losing her would mean losing everything.

[00:02:54] As a Jew whose parents escaped Austria during the Holocaust, I had respected the efforts

[00:02:59] of other theorists who rejected authoritarianism as a way to raise morally healthy children.

[00:03:05] They proposed that the family operate as a democracy, and that children and parents act

[00:03:09] as rational, equal partners.

[00:03:12] My years of investigation into family dynamics began to yield new evidence that emotional

[00:03:18] interactions between parent and child would have an even greater impact on a child's long-term

[00:03:24] well-being.

[00:03:25] That greater impact on long-term well-being results in building a child's emotional intelligence,

[00:03:31] which is important because, more than IQ, emotional intelligence seems to determine

[00:03:36] success in life.

[00:03:38] The ability to understand other people and work with them is critical to success in modern

[00:03:43] work life.

[00:03:44] It is also critical in relationships.

[00:03:47] And we know that having successful friendships and romantic relationships confers enormous

[00:03:52] benefits in health, wealth, happiness, longevity, and the success of one's children.

[00:04:00] Emotional intelligence informs emotion coaching as a parenting method.

[00:04:05] When it comes to parenting and emotional intelligence, there are two groups of parents that are so

[00:04:09] very different when it comes to the world of emotions.

[00:04:13] Emotion-dismissing parents are action-oriented and don't want to become emotional, and they

[00:04:18] see this as potentially destructive in themselves and in their children.

[00:04:23] Emotion-coaching parents are the opposite, accepting of emotions and explore emotions

[00:04:28] in themselves and others.

[00:04:30] In our research, we found that the effects of these two approaches were dramatic.

[00:04:35] The children of the two kinds of parents were on totally different life trajectories, and

[00:04:40] when it came to divorced families with children, I was also surprised that emotion coaching

[00:04:44] buffered children from almost all the negative effects of their parents divorcing.

[00:04:49] Two kids with the same IQ, starting at age 4, would have entirely different educational

[00:04:55] achievement at age 8 if their parents were emotion coaching, all mediated through differences

[00:05:01] in attentional abilities.

[00:05:03] Even more powerful is that these results all appear to be cross-culturally universal.

[00:05:09] Emotional intelligence in parenting begins with the self.

[00:05:14] What turns out to be really wonderful about our results is that with emotional intelligence,

[00:05:19] one needs to begin with oneself.

[00:05:22] It is important to understand one's own feelings about emotions, and to learn that

[00:05:27] self-understanding comes from recognizing one's own feelings.

[00:05:32] Emotions are our internal GPS through life.

[00:05:35] Opening up our own emotional world and being emotional is where we need to start, and it

[00:05:41] confers huge gifts.

[00:05:44] Being emotional doesn't mean you aren't rational.

[00:05:46] The two often seem in opposition, emotional reactions vs logical responses, but you can

[00:05:52] have both.

[00:05:53] As a parent, you can also be emotional with your child, not abusive, which would be the

[00:05:59] opposite of emotional intelligence, but emotional.

[00:06:02] You can be angry, hurt, disappointed, tense, frustrated, and so on.

[00:06:08] This seems inevitable in parenting.

[00:06:10] And if you model a positive approach to handling your emotions, your child will likely notice.

[00:06:16] And you can let your child know that their anger is okay with you, that you can understand

[00:06:21] their anger.

[00:06:23] But you can also tell them when they say that they hate you, this really hurts your feelings

[00:06:28] and it makes you not want to be around them.

[00:06:31] Parents do not have to take abuse from their kids.

[00:06:34] And as part of teaching emotional intelligence, it's okay to let children know when they're

[00:06:38] being hurtful or abusive too.

[00:06:40] If you model an emotional yet respectful response to something like, I hate you, children will

[00:06:46] pick up on that kind of response.

[00:06:49] They'll know that what they are saying is actually hurtful.

[00:06:52] They'll begin to understand how it makes you feel, which can then inform how they emotionally

[00:06:58] handle other relationships in their lives.

[00:07:01] When to start with emotion coaching, our program to teach emotional intelligence.

[00:07:07] Our evidence shows that emotion coaching begins in the way parents interact with their

[00:07:13] babies.

[00:07:14] Babies can understand language long before they can talk.

[00:07:18] As early as 10 months of age, emotion coaching parents are narrating their children's play,

[00:07:24] asking them questions, communicating empathy, and giving reasons for saying yes or no.

[00:07:30] This has major consequences for the baby's development, as does a positive relationship

[00:07:35] between parents.

[00:07:37] We even have a workshop called Bringing Baby Home that helps couples with the transition

[00:07:41] to parenthood so that their relationship is strong and models positive emotional behavior

[00:07:46] for children.

[00:07:48] But it's also never too late to become an emotion coaching parent.

[00:07:52] I have had parents start with adult children and say that they have been close to their

[00:07:56] kids for the very first time, ever.

[00:07:59] Emotional intelligence is not a static trait.

[00:08:02] It can be cultivated and learned at any point in life by anyone to their benefit and the

[00:08:07] benefit of those they interact with.

[00:08:09] Here's how it can start.

[00:08:11] One of the most powerful gifts you can give your child is an admission that you made a

[00:08:16] mistake, and apologizing and asking for forgiveness confers respect to the child.

[00:08:22] The child learns that it is okay to make a mistake and correct it.

[00:08:27] The child learns that it is possible to repair interaction.

[00:08:31] And the child feels that their emotions are respected and that you, instead of being authoritative,

[00:08:37] are capable of being an emotional equal.

[00:08:40] Most importantly, the child learns that one can be loved without being perfect.

[00:08:46] That feeling of unconditional love, of being able to repair negative interactions, of being

[00:08:51] mindful of your own emotions and those around you, that's a wonderful foundation upon which

[00:08:56] any child, with their parents' guidance, can build a fulfilling and successful life.

[00:09:06] You just listened to the post titled, Emotional Intelligence Creates Loving and Supportive

[00:09:11] Parenting by Dr. John Gottman of gottman.com.

[00:09:16] Wonderful post from the man himself, Dr. John Gottman, who is arguably the most proficient

[00:09:21] relationship researcher of all time, certainly of our time.

[00:09:25] Of course, the lesson he's brought to this article is essential, but not always easy

[00:09:29] for parents to access, especially if they were raised differently, which is the case

[00:09:33] for many.

[00:09:34] So parents, if you have a hard time integrating this emotional coaching that he discusses in

[00:09:39] the moment, start by practicing it on your own time and outside of challenging moments

[00:09:45] with your children.

[00:09:46] This could be as simple as taking 10 minutes to journal about what your children do that

[00:09:50] bothers you and then hypothesizing as to why they might do that, if you did anything similar

[00:09:56] as a child, and how you would respond kindly to it were you to be in that confrontation

[00:10:01] right now in a good headspace.

[00:10:04] You won't always be perfect, but anticipating a little bit like this is a great means of

[00:10:09] chipping away at your ability to emotion coach and helps that response become second

[00:10:14] nature over time.

[00:10:16] So go do your homework, parents.

[00:10:18] We're out of here for now.

[00:10:19] I appreciate you being with me today, and I hope you've all got a good weekend to look

[00:10:23] forward to.

[00:10:24] You know I'll be here with you through it though, so I hope to see you for our Q&A episode

[00:10:28] tomorrow, where your optimal life awaits.