3233: How to Understand When You Love Someone with Recurrent Depression by Dr. Margaret Rutherford

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[00:00:42] How to Understand When You Love Someone with Recurrent Depression by Dr. Margaret Rutherford of DrMargaretRutherford.com, and I'm Justin Malik. Welcome back to a Sunday bonus episode where I give you a little extra content from a podcast in our network

[00:00:57] that I think will also help you live a life that's a bit more meaningful and happier. And this episode is coming from Optimal Relationships Daily. So, without further ado, here's Greg with the bonus posts as we optimize your life.

[00:01:10] How to Understand When You Love Someone with Recurrent Depression by Dr. Margaret Rutherford of DrMargaretRutherford.com Patricia brought her husband Dan into therapy a couple of years ago. She said, Can you try to help him understand what it feels like to have depression?

[00:01:33] He thinks I could stop the cycle if I was more positive or exercised more. Patricia worked at a huge church where she helped run their children's Sunday school and daycare programs. She was an active, fun-loving mother and grandmother whose basement looked like an art studio

[00:01:49] with her grandchildren's projects displayed all over the place. She laughed a lot and her giggle was so infectious you'd find yourself smiling and laughing along with her. Weight had always been an issue for her, but a bariatric surgery helped her

[00:02:02] and she headed out early every morning to work out. She and Dan had worked very hard on their marriage and they were happy together. And Patricia suffered from major recurrent depression. While she'd done a lot to manage it, there were times all her efforts didn't work.

[00:02:17] When you're in therapy for chronic recurrent depression, it's important to identify your unique triggers. So, what were Patricia's triggers? Winter was much harder for her, the cold, dreary months triggering sadness and a loss of energy. She bought a special kind of light to use during that time.

[00:02:39] She loved being a hands-on mom and had to rebuild a sense of purpose after her last child left home. Her self-worth had suffered from her lifelong battle with food, but also from an embattled relationship with her father where he had constantly criticized her as a child.

[00:02:55] She was insecure around others and a lot of our work focused on building a sense of competence. Plus, depression ran in her family, especially on her mother's side. She could remember her grandmother not getting out of bed for long stretches of time,

[00:03:10] her door shut, isolating herself from her family. She'd never wanted to be like her. But, at times, Patricia hit a wall, feeling like something invaded her being. She'd become very weary of doing anything. She'd lose the desire to hear her grandkids' voices.

[00:03:27] She'd have to make herself go to work. Then she'd come home and want to sleep, intrusive thoughts of hurting herself crowding her mind. She hated losing control of her life. Dan didn't understand. He couldn't see that anything had changed, and Patricia couldn't always explain it herself.

[00:03:44] Sometimes years would go by without any major issues. How can people, especially people who love you, understand this cycle and the frustration that goes along with it? How can they empathize with something they don't experience?

[00:03:57] How could Dan have compassion for the lack of control Patricia felt from time to time? How to develop empathy. A story. So, I made up a story. I wanted Dan to imagine what it would be like to be Patricia.

[00:04:14] She needed him to understand and to develop that empathy. Here's the story. Imagine you're given a house to live in. The floors are covered with beautiful carpets from around the world. When you walk around living your busy life, you enjoy it.

[00:04:29] You get to know its nooks and crannies. But, there's a trick to this house. Every now and then, the powers that be dig a hole in the floor somewhere. A hole just big enough for you to fall through.

[00:04:42] Then, the hole is carefully hidden by those same gorgeous carpets. You walk around like you did before, not knowing that the hole exists. But you eventually fall. When you do, you feel ashamed, as if you've done something wrong. You feel overwhelmed. You feel as if you've failed.

[00:05:00] And it's very difficult to get out. Now, imagine how you would feel. It would take you a while to figure out what was going on in this house. You can't move. It's the only house you have. You can't get rid of the carpets.

[00:05:13] They came along with the house. How would you live without fear of falling? Your steps would be cautious. Your ability to enjoy and feel free diminished. With enough time, you'd begin to feel safer. You could go for days without falling. Maybe even weeks or months.

[00:05:29] So you go on living, distracted from the potential of falling in a hole, until the day you do. That's how it feels for someone with recurrent depression. They have to live their life knowing that they might not see the depression, the fall, that's about to happen.

[00:05:44] You learn you can get out, but you can't always know what's waiting for you. It's your house. It's what you've been given. There are beautiful things about it, but there are pitfalls and struggles that aren't always under your control. Patricia's eyes filled with tears. Dan looked at her.

[00:06:01] I'm sorry. Now I get it. I'd be paralyzed. People with recurrent depression can learn to live with it, to manage it. They can watch for signs or triggers. They can sit under light boxes, eat well, exercise, meditate, connect with others, take medication if needed, and get enough sleep.

[00:06:19] Very good habits for all of us, but especially those with depression. Yet, absolute control doesn't exist. If you love someone who experiences chronic recurrent depression, you can help. You can do your best to understand. You can listen. You can acknowledge that their depression isn't a choice.

[00:06:40] You can help by not judging and by giving them the respectful message that you know they're trying. You can help by supporting them to receive the treatment they need. With their agreement, you can help them watch for telltale signs or triggers.

[00:06:53] You can do this with kindness, not criticism. You can help. But remember, sometimes they can't see the whole. Nor can you. You just listened to the post titled, How to Understand When You Love Someone With Recurrent Depression by Dr. Margaret Rutherford of drmargaretrutherford.com

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[00:08:10] Compensation provides incentive to positively promote Acorns. Investing involves risk. Acorns Advisors LLC and SEC Registered Investment Advisor. View important disclosures at acorns.com slash old. And such a beautiful piece from Dr. Margaret today. Very, very thankful for that one.

[00:08:26] And I think it's so important to realize the practices she recommends at the end, and the fact that they extend far beyond recurrent depression. If there's any part of your partner's life that they struggle with, yet you feel like you have clear answers to,

[00:08:41] turn your focus towards understanding them first, and really getting to the bottom of where they're coming from, and what limits their feeling that you aren't. Relationships aren't so much about fixing obstacles for your partner as they are about overcoming them together, right?

[00:08:56] Your partner will always feel more heard and respected if they see you taking the time to learn about their struggles and going on the journey with them, rather than only trying to solve them. And if you can't help but to solve instead of listen,

[00:09:10] then at least ask yourself why that might be. What part of you doesn't feel safe if problems aren't being solved immediately? And why might that be? Whatever it is, don't you hope your partner is there with you on that journey?

[00:09:24] And not just telling you to suck it up? It comes full circle, people. It always does. That's it for me though, team. Thanks so much for being here, as always. I hope you liked this post as much as I did.

[00:09:35] More of where that came from though, be sure to come on back tomorrow for the Monday show where I will have another post to help you with your relationships and where your optimal life awaits.