3260: How To Ask The Right Question When You’re Anxious (Hint: It’s Not “Why?”) by Ingrid Y Helander

[00:00:00] This is Optimal Living Daily Episode 3260 How To Ask The Right Question When Youre Anxious Hint, Its Not Why by Ingrid Y Helander of IngridYHelanderLMFT.com And I'm Justin Malik, the guy that reads to you every day covering personal development or self-help,

[00:00:18] how to live a better life and a lot more. It's always with permission from the authors or websites. And we can get right to it and start optimizing your life. How to ask the right question when youre anxious. Hint, Its Not Why by IngridYHelander of IngridYHelanderLMFT.com

[00:00:43] We learn to ask why when we're so young, but when stress and anxiety strike in adulthood, why? Can be a harmful question. Humans are curious and we want to make sense of the life around us.

[00:00:56] Getting information is critical to early brain development, but as adults, sometimes our why thinking causes us more anxiety and confusion because we actually expect our thinking minds to solve the discomfort in our bodies.

[00:01:11] It's curious that even though thinking why is rarely successful to help you feel less stressed, adults consistently try to make it work. In fact, not only does asking why not work to calm your anxiety

[00:01:25] give you clarity. When you feel anxious, this practice creates negative stories and beliefs about yourself and others. How have we gotten so stuck in an ineffective pattern? I believe it comes from a genuinely important developmental stage.

[00:01:40] My granddaughter has entered the 2 year old why stage. She'll occasionally get on a why tangent and just keep following it into more and more questions. Here's an example of a recent conversation. Lucy, Grandma, why can't you come to my house?

[00:01:56] Me, because there are germs and people are sick. We need to wait until it's safe for everyone. Lucy, why? Me, because we all want to stay well. Why? Because we like to be healthy. Why? We love each other and want to take care of each other.

[00:02:16] Why? Healthy is a good thing. Why? So what did you have for dinner today? Asking why can become a habit or even a game for a quick-witted toddler. It is as child psychologist Eleanor Mackie PhD explains, quote,

[00:02:35] That helps a toddler understand the world around them. The practice eventually increases security and confidence, end quote. That makes sense right? I can ask and eventually I can know about the world.

[00:02:48] As adults when we feel insecure and lack confidence, our minds often wander back to those early why questions as a means of calming and knowing. In my clinical experience, why, used as a tool to understand anxiety, typically creates more frustration, less confidence and a never-ending loop of self-criticism.

[00:03:10] Here's how this sounds. Client, I don't know why I feel so anxious. I'm generally really happy. Me? Well let's check in with your body and see what's going on.

[00:03:21] Client, I just feel like I have some kind of problem. I tell myself that I'm going to ruin my life if I don't stop it. Me? Yes, how does it feel inside when that happens to you?

[00:03:32] Client, like I'm blowing it. Me? Yes, that's what you're thinking and that makes sense. What is the sensation that you're having in your body? Client, oh, I don't really know. But here's the thing, when you're feeling anxious, your brain doesn't know why either.

[00:03:51] Anxiety is an activation of your nervous system based upon receiving a cue of danger. In other words, it's a body feeling.

[00:04:00] When you ask why without first acknowledging the feeling of your body's nervous system, you can get easily trapped in an anxiety loop that has no end, much like my granddaughter's questions.

[00:04:10] And while her questions will eventually provide her curious mind with a sense of security and understanding in the world, your question, fueled by your anxious nervous system, will eventually lead you to ideas based upon fight, flight, or freeze.

[00:04:25] This thinking creates stories like, why am I so anxious? I'm anxious because I'm alone and broken. I'm anxious because what is happening in front of me is dangerous or bad for me, even if it isn't.

[00:04:38] I'm anxious because my life, that person, my upbringing, the world, etc., is terrible. This common mistake impacts important parts of your life.

[00:04:48] For example, focusing only on thoughts without addressing your physical feeling contributes to confused communications, inhibited performance, inauthentic relationships, racism and bigotry, shame and hiding, financial incompetence, and more.

[00:05:04] That's why so many experts who work to improve communication, heal racism, encourage human development and promote financial success like Resma Menakam, Lin Twist, Shafale Sabari, and many others are clear that without some connection to deep physical response, the body's wisdom, there is no improvement in these foundational parts of life.

[00:05:26] So what can you do to help yourself today?

[00:05:30] Begin with, hmm. The next time your mind jumps in to reason why you are feeling anxious, negative, frustrated, fearful, simply notice the sensation with a hmm as you might if you noticed a scratch on your arm, a small bruise, or a single raindrop on your scalp.

[00:05:49] Hmm evokes curiosity about the feeling rather than jump again to make meaning. When you allow your attention to move to your body where you feel this, how it feels to you, how you feel toward what you're feeling, your natural curiosity helps you to connect back to your body and begins to gather accurate information that's occurring inside you.

[00:06:11] This information may be connected to an old memory, a current expression of energy, a legacy burden, or a cue of danger. Allow yourself to stay unbiased and curious about what your body is experiencing before you make up any stories or meaning. A simple hmm is a great place to start.

[00:06:32] You just listened to the post titled, How to Ask the Right Question When You're Anxious, Hint, It's Not Why, by Ingrid Y. Helander of IngridYHelanderLMFT.com and I'll be right back with my commentary.

[00:06:49] Think it Ingrid, an interesting take on the question of why that I've never heard before. Why seems like a logical question especially when talking to professionals and colleagues like doctors, teachers, you name it? It's only natural to go there.

[00:07:05] But I'd agree with anxiety, it's not going to do much and can definitely exacerbate the issue. I don't know if you've ever felt worried and try to rationalize your way out of it. Personally, I don't find that works at all.

[00:07:19] Something my brother talks about on optimal health daily is using how or what instead. So for example, if you're feeling extra anxious about something, it can turn into how can I distract myself for better yet prepare myself more so I feel less anxious?

[00:07:39] Or what can I do right now to make this feel a bit more in my control? When you think about it simply asking why probably won't do much and could take you down a rabbit hole of more and more worry. There's no action associated with why.

[00:07:54] Ingrid's solution beginning with, hmm instead is definitely another option worth trying. That's basically the meditative practice of awareness and noticing without judging. It's a very, very common principle you'll come across if you've practiced meditation.

[00:08:09] You just notice it, don't dwell on it, definitely don't ask why. But notice it and maybe quickly label it as a thought or feeling and then move on.

[00:08:19] Any of these could potentially work but I do think that not going straight for the why is a really good start. Alright, that'll do it for today. Thank you for listening and being here every day and for subscribing to the show. Don't ask yourself why.

[00:08:32] I'll see you back here tomorrow as usual where your optimal life awaits.