3305: How to Deal With Lies in a Relationship by Melissa Josue of Melissa the Love Coach on Authentic Intimacy

[00:00:00] [SPEAKER_00]: This is Optimal Living Daily, How to Deal with Lies in a Relationship by Melissa Josue of MelissatheLoveCoach.com

[00:00:08] [SPEAKER_00]: and I'm Justin Malik.

[00:00:10] [SPEAKER_00]: Welcome back to a Sunday bonus episode where I give you a bit of extra content from a podcast in our Optimal Network

[00:00:17] [SPEAKER_00]: that I think will also help you live a life that's a bit more meaningful and happier

[00:00:20] [SPEAKER_00]: and today's episode is coming from Optimal Relationships Daily.

[00:00:24] [SPEAKER_00]: So without further ado, here's Greg with the bonus post as we optimize your life.

[00:00:34] [SPEAKER_01]: How to Deal with Lies in a Relationship by Melissa Josue of MelissatheLoveCoach.com

[00:00:41] [SPEAKER_01]: Have you seen this quote?

[00:00:43] [SPEAKER_01]: Quote,

[00:00:44] [SPEAKER_01]: The worst part about being lied to is knowing that you were not worth the truth.

[00:00:49] [SPEAKER_01]: End quote.

[00:00:50] [SPEAKER_01]: I saw that in a recent Facebook post by a friend who found out that her husband lied to her about his internet use

[00:00:56] [SPEAKER_01]: and the kinds of sites he was visiting.

[00:00:58] [SPEAKER_01]: I'll let you guess, it rhymes with corn.

[00:01:01] [SPEAKER_01]: But I actually disagree with the quote.

[00:01:05] [SPEAKER_01]: The quote basically says that lies hurt because they make you feel like you're unworthy of the truth.

[00:01:10] [SPEAKER_01]: But I think the quote misappropriates the injury.

[00:01:13] [SPEAKER_01]: Someone can only injure our sense of worth if we believe that our worth can be compromised by another person.

[00:01:20] [SPEAKER_01]: But aren't we already worthy?

[00:01:22] [SPEAKER_01]: What's really being injured is the integrity of the relationship.

[00:01:26] [SPEAKER_01]: Being lied to hurts because it's a breach of trust.

[00:01:29] [SPEAKER_01]: The liar leads a person to believe one thing while actually doing something different.

[00:01:34] [SPEAKER_01]: But lies have nothing to do with the worth of the person being lied to.

[00:01:39] [SPEAKER_01]: Lies are really about the sense of self-worth of the liar.

[00:01:42] [SPEAKER_01]: Think about it.

[00:01:43] [SPEAKER_01]: Lies hide the truth and a person lies because they are ashamed of what's true.

[00:01:48] [SPEAKER_01]: So ashamed and scared that they feel they have to make something up in order to avoid the perceived consequences of telling the truth.

[00:01:57] [SPEAKER_01]: Lies are based in fear.

[00:01:59] [SPEAKER_01]: Fear that their truth won't be accepted.

[00:02:01] [SPEAKER_01]: Fear that there will be backlash for telling the truth.

[00:02:04] [SPEAKER_01]: Fear that they will be punished for being honest.

[00:02:07] [SPEAKER_01]: Lies are a way of coping with shame.

[00:02:09] [SPEAKER_01]: But they only further deepen the poisoning effects of shame and the effects of withholding the truth.

[00:02:14] [SPEAKER_01]: It takes tremendous energy to uphold a lie because the liar has to remember all the constructed details of their lie and carry it with them throughout the relationship.

[00:02:23] [SPEAKER_01]: And the energy spent protecting the lie is energy that could be spent nurturing the relationship or nurturing the self.

[00:02:31] [SPEAKER_01]: This is why lies feel so depleting and awful to live with.

[00:02:36] [SPEAKER_01]: They drain the vitality out of relationships and they shred the fabric of true intimacy.

[00:02:41] [SPEAKER_01]: So the worst part about being lied to is that the liar didn't think highly enough of himself to show up authentically.

[00:02:51] [SPEAKER_01]: He didn't love himself enough to show up in his truth.

[00:02:54] [SPEAKER_01]: Integrity takes guts.

[00:02:56] [SPEAKER_01]: It takes courage to face the fear and move through it anyway.

[00:02:59] [SPEAKER_01]: It takes faith, courage and hope to be able to see the possible consequences of telling the truth but share your truth anyway.

[00:03:07] [SPEAKER_01]: In standing in our truth, we open ourselves up to criticism.

[00:03:11] [SPEAKER_01]: But we also open ourselves up to the possibility of authentic relationships.

[00:03:16] [SPEAKER_01]: We open ourselves up to the possibility of change.

[00:03:19] [SPEAKER_01]: Authentic relationships and deep intimacy only come from being in our truth.

[00:03:25] [SPEAKER_01]: This is how lies poison relationships.

[00:03:28] [SPEAKER_01]: They erode trust and create a relationship based on fear rather than a relationship based in love and trust.

[00:03:35] [SPEAKER_01]: The antidote to the poisonous effects of lies is to create a safe space for the truth.

[00:03:41] [SPEAKER_01]: A safe space for authenticity in all your relationships.

[00:03:45] [SPEAKER_01]: Creating a safe space for the true intimacy in your relationship.

[00:03:49] [SPEAKER_01]: Number one, when you're lied to stop and see it for what it is.

[00:03:54] [SPEAKER_01]: Lies come from people who are so desperate for approval that they would compromise the integrity of the relationship to deny the truth.

[00:04:01] [SPEAKER_01]: Lies are a tactic born from fear and shame.

[00:04:04] [SPEAKER_01]: Number two, feel your feelings.

[00:04:07] [SPEAKER_01]: It's okay to be angry.

[00:04:09] [SPEAKER_01]: It's never healthy to meet denial with more denial.

[00:04:12] [SPEAKER_01]: If you're angry and hurt, it's okay to feel angry and hurt.

[00:04:16] [SPEAKER_01]: It's okay to feel your feelings.

[00:04:18] [SPEAKER_01]: If you feel betrayed, feel betrayed.

[00:04:21] [SPEAKER_01]: Those are normal emotional responses and to deny them in yourself would also be an act of denying truth.

[00:04:28] [SPEAKER_01]: Acknowledge what feelings may surface.

[00:04:30] [SPEAKER_01]: Number three, but it is important to respond peacefully rather than to react.

[00:04:36] [SPEAKER_01]: It's easy to react to a lie uncovered with drama and fury to punish the other person with your anger.

[00:04:42] [SPEAKER_01]: But creating drama is a fear tactic too.

[00:04:45] [SPEAKER_01]: Punishing the other person is really an act of trying to control and intimidate them.

[00:04:50] [SPEAKER_01]: It will only breed more fear.

[00:04:52] [SPEAKER_01]: Number four, courageously stand in your own integrity.

[00:04:57] [SPEAKER_01]: Don't play games back with them.

[00:04:58] [SPEAKER_01]: Honor your own feelings and truth by showing up authentically.

[00:05:02] [SPEAKER_01]: The antidote to lies is truth.

[00:05:04] [SPEAKER_01]: Have an honest discussion about how the breach of trust hurt you.

[00:05:08] [SPEAKER_01]: Have an honest discussion about what their trust means to you and your relationship.

[00:05:12] [SPEAKER_01]: And bring to light the kinds of relationships that you want.

[00:05:16] [SPEAKER_01]: Word of warning, expressing your truth might not change the relationship.

[00:05:20] [SPEAKER_01]: The other person may continue to lie.

[00:05:23] [SPEAKER_01]: But what's important is that you did not fuel the fire.

[00:05:25] [SPEAKER_01]: You did not continue the drama of distrust.

[00:05:29] [SPEAKER_01]: You did not perpetuate the soap opera.

[00:05:31] [SPEAKER_01]: You notice how soap operas are just one betrayal after another.

[00:05:34] [SPEAKER_01]: It makes for entertaining TV but translates into unhealthy, miserable real-life relationships.

[00:05:40] [SPEAKER_01]: You stood in your wholeness and integrity.

[00:05:43] [SPEAKER_01]: Meeting lies with truth opens the door for having more authentic relationships.

[00:05:48] [SPEAKER_01]: But it begins with honoring our own truth.

[00:05:51] [SPEAKER_01]: Step by step, little by little, like flower petals in the spring

[00:05:55] [SPEAKER_01]: opening to the warmth of the sun.

[00:05:57] [SPEAKER_01]: We reveal our true beauty.

[00:05:59] [SPEAKER_01]: And in turn, open the possibility to be appreciated and loved for who we truly are.

[00:06:09] [SPEAKER_01]: You just listened to the post titled

[00:06:10] [SPEAKER_01]: How to Deal with Lies in a Relationship by Melissa Josue of MelissaTheLoveCoach.com

[00:06:17] [SPEAKER_01]: And that's a great post from Melissa today.

[00:06:20] [SPEAKER_01]: Thanks so much to her for that.

[00:06:21] [SPEAKER_01]: She's really helping us to maintain integrity

[00:06:24] [SPEAKER_01]: and continue to take the high road in our relationships.

[00:06:26] [SPEAKER_01]: Regardless of how many times our partners may not do the same.

[00:06:30] [SPEAKER_01]: And it's really hard to do this, right?

[00:06:33] [SPEAKER_01]: You know, our egos hurt.

[00:06:34] [SPEAKER_01]: We don't want to exhaust ourselves more by having a confrontation.

[00:06:38] [SPEAKER_01]: But long term, this is what you do in a successful relationship.

[00:06:43] [SPEAKER_01]: Sure, if there's a severe enough breach of trust

[00:06:47] [SPEAKER_01]: that you feel it's worthy of ending the relationship,

[00:06:49] [SPEAKER_01]: that's a different story.

[00:06:50] [SPEAKER_01]: But for as long as you choose to stay in it,

[00:06:53] [SPEAKER_01]: you're not doing yourself or your partner any favors by reciprocating bad behavior,

[00:06:59] [SPEAKER_01]: not taking the high road and not doing some of the heavy lifting.

[00:07:03] [SPEAKER_01]: Because that's a big part of relationships, that give and take.

[00:07:06] [SPEAKER_01]: You know, sometimes one partner is going through something

[00:07:09] [SPEAKER_01]: that prevents them from bringing their best self to the relationship,

[00:07:13] [SPEAKER_01]: whatever that looks like.

[00:07:14] [SPEAKER_01]: And thus the other partner puts more of the work in,

[00:07:17] [SPEAKER_01]: trusting that the tables might turn someday.

[00:07:20] [SPEAKER_01]: So it's important to always put our best foot forward

[00:07:23] [SPEAKER_01]: up until the point that we decide the relationship can no longer continue.

[00:07:27] [SPEAKER_01]: And I think Melissa's work did a really good job of illustrating that today.

[00:07:31] [SPEAKER_01]: That will do it for now though everybody.

[00:07:33] [SPEAKER_01]: Really glad to have had you here.

[00:07:35] [SPEAKER_01]: And of course, I hope to see you again tomorrow for another great post

[00:07:37] [SPEAKER_01]: and where your optimal life awaits.