3327: Deal With Anxiety By Making a “Dread” List by Tonya Lester on Resiliency & Taking Action

[00:00:00] [SPEAKER_00]: This is Optimal Living Daily. Deal With Anxiety By Making a Dread List by Tonya Lester of TonyaLester.com.

[00:00:09] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm your narrator, Justin Malik, reading you articles every single day of the year, including holidays,

[00:00:14] [SPEAKER_00]: so that you and I can both take a step in the right direction and have just a bit more positivity in our day.

[00:00:19] [SPEAKER_00]: It really does add up. And with that, let's get right to it as we optimize your life.

[00:00:28] [SPEAKER_00]: Deal With Anxiety By Making a Dread List by Tonya Lester of TonyaLester.com.

[00:00:36] [SPEAKER_00]: The fall after I finished college, I moved to New York City to study acting.

[00:00:42] [SPEAKER_00]: A year in, life was a blur of acting classes, auditions, and working as an administrative assistant for a scientist.

[00:00:50] [SPEAKER_00]: One day, I received a call from my former university informing me that I still had an incomplete on my transcript

[00:00:57] [SPEAKER_00]: and that if I didn't complete the coursework and get a grade turned in, I might have to retake the course.

[00:01:03] [SPEAKER_00]: I assured them I would look into this, set down the phone, and panic set in.

[00:01:08] [SPEAKER_00]: My degree was listed on my resume. Everyone in my life, including my parents who had paid for my education,

[00:01:15] [SPEAKER_00]: believed I was a college graduate. How could I have let this happen?

[00:01:19] [SPEAKER_00]: It affirmed every negative thing I believed about myself. I'm spacey, I'm irresponsible, I'm incompetent.

[00:01:29] [SPEAKER_00]: The truth was, while I was pretty spacey, I had turned in all the coursework.

[00:01:35] [SPEAKER_00]: I had taken an incomplete because of a family emergency right at the end of the semester,

[00:01:39] [SPEAKER_00]: but had turned in the final project two weeks later.

[00:01:42] [SPEAKER_00]: The professor hadn't turned in the grade.

[00:01:46] [SPEAKER_00]: After skipping the graduation ceremony, might I have questioned why I didn't receive my diploma in the mail as expected?

[00:01:53] [SPEAKER_00]: Yes. Was it my job to follow up and prod the professor? No question.

[00:01:59] [SPEAKER_00]: But I was so paralyzed by my dread around dealing with this, so focused on what it said about my character,

[00:02:05] [SPEAKER_00]: that I just shut down and proceeded to do nothing to solve this problem for a year.

[00:02:10] [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, 18 months.

[00:02:12] [SPEAKER_00]: Have you had the experience of avoiding a problem all day, only to stare at the ceiling at night, ruminating and worrying?

[00:02:19] [SPEAKER_00]: Have you resolved to take meaningful action on some intractable issue, only to lose your nerve when the time comes,

[00:02:25] [SPEAKER_00]: letting another day pass without making the appointment, finishing the task, or having the hard conversation?

[00:02:32] [SPEAKER_00]: The truth is, operating this way costs you a lot.

[00:02:36] [SPEAKER_00]: Unfinished business creates open loops of anxiety that slowly drain you of energy and contentment,

[00:02:43] [SPEAKER_00]: and hurt your ability to focus and be present.

[00:02:47] [SPEAKER_00]: It also takes a physical toll, either because you're constantly stewing in a low-grade stress response,

[00:02:52] [SPEAKER_00]: or because of lack of sleep, or because you use food or alcohol to numb out and quiet your mind.

[00:02:59] [SPEAKER_00]: Long-term avoidance is paradoxically really hard work.

[00:03:04] [SPEAKER_00]: There is a better way.

[00:03:07] [SPEAKER_00]: Number one, make a dread list of everything in your life you're avoiding.

[00:03:13] [SPEAKER_00]: Take your time with this. Really try to get everything out on the page.

[00:03:17] [SPEAKER_00]: There might be one big, bold problem and a few smaller ones, or a whole list of things that make you squirm and cringe.

[00:03:24] [SPEAKER_00]: It doesn't matter. You might have leave marriage and make IKEA returns on the same list.

[00:03:31] [SPEAKER_00]: Just getting everything out on the page will help you start to feel in control.

[00:03:37] [SPEAKER_00]: Pick the thing you're going to work on first, either because solving it will have the most impact, or because you can act on it right away.

[00:03:44] [SPEAKER_00]: Number two, tell someone supportive what's up.

[00:03:49] [SPEAKER_00]: This helps in multiple ways. I often say in therapy we're shining light in dark places.

[00:03:54] [SPEAKER_00]: So often when you finally share your secret, you are met with so much compassion, validation, or even loving bewilderment,

[00:04:03] [SPEAKER_00]: that the volume of the problem is turned down by 50% just by virtue of saying it out loud.

[00:04:10] [SPEAKER_00]: In my case, I finally told my friend Helen, and because a personal narrative of intractable spaciness, irresponsibility, and incompetence didn't distract her,

[00:04:20] [SPEAKER_00]: she instantly saw this as a clerical problem, not as evidence of a fundamentally disordered mind.

[00:04:27] [SPEAKER_00]: She was legitimately confused about all my hand-wringing around this.

[00:04:32] [SPEAKER_00]: Seeing the problem and myself through her eyes helped a lot.

[00:04:37] [SPEAKER_00]: And number three, ask yourself, how can I make this easier?

[00:04:42] [SPEAKER_00]: Almost every day a client says something to me along the lines of,

[00:04:46] [SPEAKER_00]: but I should be able to handle this myself, or no one else would struggle so much with this, what is wrong with me?

[00:04:53] [SPEAKER_00]: To this I call bullsh**.

[00:04:56] [SPEAKER_00]: At the end of your life, you won't have points detracted based on how many times he had to ask for help.

[00:05:01] [SPEAKER_00]: The last line of your obituary is not going to read, sadly he needed assistance with practically all of this.

[00:05:08] [SPEAKER_00]: Can't write your resume? Hire someone to do it for you, or trade resume editing services with a friend.

[00:05:16] [SPEAKER_00]: Know you need to do something about your drinking? Talk to a therapist and or look into 12-step or reduction groups in your area.

[00:05:24] [SPEAKER_00]: Need to stand up to an unreasonable request from your boss? Call your sister and roleplay various scenarios until you feel prepared.

[00:05:31] [SPEAKER_00]: Never got a driver's license and now you're moving to rural Iowa at age 55? Call the local driver's ed and make an appointment for a lesson.

[00:05:40] [SPEAKER_00]: For me, Helen typed up a short professional letter reminding the professor of who I was, detailing our agreement and when the project was turned in,

[00:05:50] [SPEAKER_00]: and politely asking her to please turn in the grade.

[00:05:52] [SPEAKER_00]: I sent it certified mail, I followed up with a voicemail to let the professor know to expect the letter,

[00:05:57] [SPEAKER_00]: and planned to call again a week later to follow up, but by then the grade had been turned in and the whole fiasco was over.

[00:06:06] [SPEAKER_00]: Should I have been able to write the letter myself? Sure, but part of me was so triggered by this that it had stopped me in my tracks,

[00:06:13] [SPEAKER_00]: and the letter was simply not getting written on my own.

[00:06:16] [SPEAKER_00]: Did Helen's involvement diminish the relief and exhilaration I felt to finally have this solved?

[00:06:22] [SPEAKER_00]: Not a bit. I felt relieved, exhilarated, and really grateful to have such a terrific friend.

[00:06:30] [SPEAKER_00]: What are you avoiding? Who could you talk to about it? How could you make it easier?

[00:06:36] [SPEAKER_00]: Make your list now. Ask yourself, how would it feel to have all of these problems solved?

[00:06:43] [SPEAKER_00]: Now, go get started.

[00:06:45] [SPEAKER_00]: You just listened to the post titled, Deal with Anxiety by Making a Dreadlist, by Tonya Lester of TonyaLester.com.

[00:06:57] [SPEAKER_00]: And I'll be right back with my commentary.

[00:07:00] [SPEAKER_00]: Thank you to Tonya. That situation she was in where the university called and said there was an incomplete is like my nightmare.

[00:07:08] [SPEAKER_00]: Literally. I have recurring dreams where I'm back in school and somehow didn't do any of the coursework for the whole semester or quarter,

[00:07:17] [SPEAKER_00]: and now it's the last week and I'm so far behind. Probably have that dream every few months.

[00:07:23] [SPEAKER_00]: But the example is a great one, I think. It really shows how something relatively small can turn into such a huge problem when ignored.

[00:07:33] [SPEAKER_00]: I really like to quote in there, she said,

[00:07:35] [SPEAKER_00]: So often, when you finally share your secret, you're met with so much compassion, validation, or even loving bewilderment,

[00:07:45] [SPEAKER_00]: that the volume of the problem is turned down by 50% just by virtue of saying it out loud.

[00:07:53] [SPEAKER_00]: I've definitely had that experience where something was completely blown out of proportion in my mind,

[00:07:59] [SPEAKER_00]: but when I finally said something, it was reduced so much.

[00:08:03] [SPEAKER_00]: And the longer that takes, the more of a toll it takes because of that constant bewilderment, anxiety, and so on.

[00:08:11] [SPEAKER_00]: So a great one to think about as we go about our day and our weekend. It's already Friday.

[00:08:16] [SPEAKER_00]: So with that, have a great rest of your day and start to your weekend,

[00:08:19] [SPEAKER_00]: and I'll see you tomorrow as usual, where your optimal life awaits.