3343: 4 Lessons on Surviving and Thriving When Times Are Tough by Samantha Young with Tiny Buddha

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[00:00:26] [SPEAKER_02]: this is Optimal Living Daily 4 Lessons on Surviving and Thriving When Times Are Tough by Samantha Young with TinyBuddha.com

[00:00:36] [SPEAKER_02]: and I'm Justin Malik and we're going to jump right into today's post as we optimize your life

[00:00:45] [SPEAKER_02]: 4 Lessons on Surviving and Thriving When Times Are Tough by Samantha Young with TinyBuddha.com

[00:00:54] [SPEAKER_02]: quote, every day may not be good but there's something good in every day unknown

[00:01:02] [SPEAKER_02]: five months ago I was sitting outside with a friend when a mosquito bit me under the arm

[00:01:08] [SPEAKER_02]: I went to scratch the bite and felt a lump on the side of my breast

[00:01:12] [SPEAKER_02]: my doctor sent me for a mammogram ultrasound and fine needle biopsy

[00:01:16] [SPEAKER_02]: I had breast cancer

[00:01:18] [SPEAKER_02]: I'm a 44 year old single mother of two beautiful young girls with primary custody

[00:01:24] [SPEAKER_02]: I'm also director of a psychology practice and self-employed

[00:01:28] [SPEAKER_02]: the day I was diagnosed was the day I lost the carefully constructed control

[00:01:33] [SPEAKER_02]: I thought I had mastered in my life

[00:01:36] [SPEAKER_02]: I juggled many balls in the air every day

[00:01:39] [SPEAKER_02]: and they all came falling down

[00:01:41] [SPEAKER_02]: I strongly believe in salvaging good from bad

[00:01:44] [SPEAKER_02]: but I struggled with finding the silver lining

[00:01:47] [SPEAKER_02]: the fear and anxiety waiting on test results to find out if the cancer had spread

[00:01:53] [SPEAKER_02]: were crippling and I was haunted by dark thoughts of death

[00:01:57] [SPEAKER_02]: I was lucky the cancer had not spread as far as they could tell

[00:02:01] [SPEAKER_02]: the tumor was contained and I had a genetic test done that showed minimal benefit from chemotherapy

[00:02:06] [SPEAKER_02]: assuming I had lumpectomy surgery, radiation, and then took a hormone drug called tamaxifen for the next 10 years

[00:02:15] [SPEAKER_02]: I think I found the silver lining in this journey

[00:02:17] [SPEAKER_02]: and my dearest hope over and above the cancer being gone for good

[00:02:22] [SPEAKER_02]: is that I hold on to these lessons

[00:02:25] [SPEAKER_02]: Number one, let go

[00:02:28] [SPEAKER_02]: My life before breast cancer was highly organized, disciplined, and controlled

[00:02:33] [SPEAKER_02]: Every spare moment was productive

[00:02:36] [SPEAKER_02]: I saw clients back to back

[00:02:38] [SPEAKER_02]: I ferried my daughters to activities

[00:02:40] [SPEAKER_02]: I crammed my weekends with social events

[00:02:42] [SPEAKER_02]: and had multiple to-do lists for each facet of my life

[00:02:46] [SPEAKER_02]: I spent the past five months going where medical people tell me to go

[00:02:50] [SPEAKER_02]: doing what they tell me to do

[00:02:52] [SPEAKER_02]: and waiting

[00:02:53] [SPEAKER_02]: The radiation has made me extremely tired and my brain is simply not functioning

[00:02:59] [SPEAKER_02]: I returned to work three weeks after surgery in an advanced state of denial

[00:03:03] [SPEAKER_02]: I kept on trying to be the old me

[00:03:06] [SPEAKER_02]: but finally accepted

[00:03:07] [SPEAKER_02]: I was not

[00:03:08] [SPEAKER_02]: I don't do very much now

[00:03:10] [SPEAKER_02]: I go to a radiation treatment each day

[00:03:12] [SPEAKER_02]: I come home and do some household chores and then rest

[00:03:16] [SPEAKER_02]: for hours

[00:03:17] [SPEAKER_02]: I may read a book, listen to music, play the piano

[00:03:21] [SPEAKER_02]: I even started painting

[00:03:23] [SPEAKER_02]: I then pick up my girls from school and spend time with them

[00:03:27] [SPEAKER_02]: And it's a revelation

[00:03:29] [SPEAKER_02]: Control is an illusion

[00:03:31] [SPEAKER_02]: Letting go of control

[00:03:34] [SPEAKER_02]: is liberation

[00:03:35] [SPEAKER_02]: Number two

[00:03:36] [SPEAKER_02]: Stop asking

[00:03:38] [SPEAKER_02]: Why me?

[00:03:39] [SPEAKER_02]: Why not me?

[00:03:41] [SPEAKER_02]: That is a profound answer I've come up with to answer this most difficult of questions

[00:03:46] [SPEAKER_02]: Bad things happen to good people

[00:03:48] [SPEAKER_02]: And life is not fair

[00:03:50] [SPEAKER_02]: The test is how we cope with the adversity thrown at us

[00:03:55] [SPEAKER_02]: I'm proud of how I have coped with having breast cancer

[00:03:58] [SPEAKER_02]: I have remained psychologically intact albeit bruised and battered

[00:04:02] [SPEAKER_02]: And allowed myself to be vulnerable

[00:04:04] [SPEAKER_02]: I have dealt with the specter of dying

[00:04:06] [SPEAKER_02]: And have gotten my affairs in order

[00:04:08] [SPEAKER_02]: Just in case

[00:04:10] [SPEAKER_02]: I also now have a bucket list

[00:04:12] [SPEAKER_02]: And I'm crossing things off one by one

[00:04:14] [SPEAKER_02]: The purpose of life I've decided is not to be happy

[00:04:18] [SPEAKER_02]: It's to realize our potential

[00:04:20] [SPEAKER_02]: To love and to be loved

[00:04:22] [SPEAKER_02]: To do new things

[00:04:24] [SPEAKER_02]: And take calculated risks

[00:04:26] [SPEAKER_02]: I do not want to get to the end of my life

[00:04:28] [SPEAKER_02]: Be it next year or in 40 years

[00:04:30] [SPEAKER_02]: And have regrets

[00:04:32] [SPEAKER_02]: The biggest regrets are the things we did not say or do

[00:04:36] [SPEAKER_02]: So focus on what you can do

[00:04:38] [SPEAKER_02]: Instead of dwelling on why there are some things you can't

[00:04:42] [SPEAKER_02]: Number three

[00:04:43] [SPEAKER_02]: Ask for support

[00:04:45] [SPEAKER_02]: I've never been good at asking for or accepting help

[00:04:48] [SPEAKER_02]: I've asked people to come to appointments with me

[00:04:51] [SPEAKER_02]: To pick up my children

[00:04:53] [SPEAKER_02]: To come and sit with me while I cry

[00:04:55] [SPEAKER_02]: I've never been good at crying either

[00:04:57] [SPEAKER_02]: And I've had crying jags that lasted hours since being diagnosed

[00:05:01] [SPEAKER_02]: I had friends over one day

[00:05:03] [SPEAKER_02]: And as they were leaving

[00:05:04] [SPEAKER_02]: I slid to the floor and could not get up because I was sobbing so hard

[00:05:08] [SPEAKER_02]: They bundled the girls and me

[00:05:09] [SPEAKER_02]: Took us to their home and looked after us

[00:05:12] [SPEAKER_02]: Me weakly protesting that I was fine

[00:05:16] [SPEAKER_02]: The loss of control and identity associated with melting down

[00:05:20] [SPEAKER_02]: Felt soul destroying

[00:05:22] [SPEAKER_02]: So many wonderful people have offered to help

[00:05:24] [SPEAKER_02]: And I'm learning to say

[00:05:26] [SPEAKER_02]: Yes, thank you, that would be lovely

[00:05:29] [SPEAKER_02]: It has made me and my relationship stronger, not weaker

[00:05:33] [SPEAKER_02]: Sometimes we have to ask for what we need

[00:05:35] [SPEAKER_02]: And accept being vulnerable

[00:05:38] [SPEAKER_02]: And number four

[00:05:40] [SPEAKER_02]: Practice gratitude

[00:05:42] [SPEAKER_02]: In the blur of normal life

[00:05:43] [SPEAKER_02]: I think we're all guilty of wanting more

[00:05:46] [SPEAKER_02]: We forget to be grateful for what we have

[00:05:48] [SPEAKER_02]: And at its most fundamental

[00:05:50] [SPEAKER_02]: That is life

[00:05:52] [SPEAKER_02]: I'd love to be able to write that I'm now genuinely grateful for my life

[00:05:56] [SPEAKER_02]: But this would not be entirely true just yet

[00:05:59] [SPEAKER_02]: I slip into denial at times and fall back on old habits

[00:06:02] [SPEAKER_02]: But I am learning

[00:06:04] [SPEAKER_02]: I'm grateful for the immense generosity of my parents

[00:06:07] [SPEAKER_02]: My friends and my boyfriend who have given their time

[00:06:10] [SPEAKER_02]: Money and emotional energy

[00:06:13] [SPEAKER_02]: The parents at my children's school who delivered us meals

[00:06:16] [SPEAKER_02]: My work colleagues who have kept my business going

[00:06:19] [SPEAKER_02]: And acquaintances who have contacted me to express their concern

[00:06:23] [SPEAKER_02]: I've let go of the disappointment I felt over those people who I expected to be there for me, but were not

[00:06:29] [SPEAKER_02]: I've also found myself grateful for things that I took for granted

[00:06:32] [SPEAKER_02]: For my beautiful children

[00:06:35] [SPEAKER_02]: A vase of flowers in the hallway

[00:06:37] [SPEAKER_02]: A good cup of coffee

[00:06:39] [SPEAKER_02]: A flock of birds on my walk

[00:06:40] [SPEAKER_02]: Or the ability to pay the bills

[00:06:42] [SPEAKER_02]: I'm grateful that I'm not dead

[00:06:45] [SPEAKER_02]: Mindfulness and gratitude

[00:06:47] [SPEAKER_02]: Let us stay in the present

[00:06:49] [SPEAKER_02]: And ward off anxiety which comes from living in the future

[00:06:53] [SPEAKER_02]: I obviously do not know what the future will hold

[00:06:56] [SPEAKER_02]: My chance of dying from breast cancer related illness is a lot higher than average

[00:07:00] [SPEAKER_02]: But I am so lucky

[00:07:02] [SPEAKER_02]: I'm lucky to be alive

[00:07:04] [SPEAKER_02]: And so are you

[00:07:05] [SPEAKER_02]: Every day we're not in the ground is a good day

[00:07:08] [SPEAKER_02]: A chance to remake ourselves and our lives

[00:07:11] [SPEAKER_02]: Into things of value and beauty

[00:07:14] [SPEAKER_02]: Tragedy and trauma can have silver linings

[00:07:17] [SPEAKER_02]: Sometimes it's hard to find them and even harder to hold on to them

[00:07:22] [SPEAKER_02]: But I am holding on tight

[00:07:24] [SPEAKER_02]: You just listened to the post titled

[00:07:30] [SPEAKER_02]: Four lessons on surviving and thriving when times are tough

[00:07:34] [SPEAKER_02]: By Samantha Young with tinybuddha.com

[00:07:37] [SPEAKER_02]: And I'll be right back with my commentary

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[00:09:14] [SPEAKER_02]: I think it's a matter of time

[00:09:17] [SPEAKER_02]: A reminder about how quickly life can change

[00:09:20] [SPEAKER_02]: How strong we can be when we're forced into certain situations

[00:09:25] [SPEAKER_02]: It's a strange thing how we really get used to our lives

[00:09:28] [SPEAKER_02]: And even if things are going well, it's not like we're just magically happy

[00:09:33] [SPEAKER_02]: We just get used to how things are and then the relatively small problems we encounter

[00:09:38] [SPEAKER_02]: End up feeling big

[00:09:40] [SPEAKER_02]: Until we're in a situation like Samantha where something bigger comes along

[00:09:44] [SPEAKER_02]: And then we're forced to make that our new normal

[00:09:47] [SPEAKER_02]: Really puts things in perspective

[00:09:50] [SPEAKER_02]: We talk about the importance of gratitude pretty frequently here on this show

[00:09:53] [SPEAKER_02]: But hearing it from Samantha's perspective changes it a lot. I think it hits different

[00:09:59] [SPEAKER_02]: We never know what's around the corner and if she can be grateful in this situation, i'm sure

[00:10:03] [SPEAKER_02]: We can find things to be grateful for too

[00:10:06] [SPEAKER_02]: So today maybe we can

[00:10:08] [SPEAKER_02]: Try to take a page from her book

[00:10:10] [SPEAKER_02]: Maybe practice letting go reaching out to someone for support

[00:10:15] [SPEAKER_02]: Or practicing a little gratitude

[00:10:17] [SPEAKER_02]: If you're going through a tough time remember that we're all in this together

[00:10:21] [SPEAKER_02]: And with that thank you for coming together with me and listening it means a lot

[00:10:25] [SPEAKER_02]: And I couldn't keep going without you

[00:10:27] [SPEAKER_02]: Wishing you a great rest of your day and start your weekend and i'll see you tomorrow

[00:10:31] [SPEAKER_02]: Where your optimal life awaits