3352: The Habit of Calm When You’re Feeling Frustrated by Leo Babauta of Zen Habits on Personal Growth

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[00:00:27] [SPEAKER_00]: This is Optimal Living Daily, The Habit of Calm When Youre Feeling Frustrated by Leo Babauta of ZenHabits.net.

[00:00:36] [SPEAKER_00]: And I'm Justin Malik, your very own personal narrator today and every day.

[00:00:40] [SPEAKER_00]: Me narrating means there are no interviews on this show, it's just a short podcast where we can both improve our lives one day at a time.

[00:00:48] [SPEAKER_00]: So with that, let's get right to it and start optimizing your life.

[00:00:55] [SPEAKER_00]: The Habit of Calm When You're Feeling Frustrated by Leo Babauta of ZenHabits.net

[00:01:02] [SPEAKER_00]: Someone recently asked me about getting frustrated when they feel overloaded and then shutting down or lashing out.

[00:01:10] [SPEAKER_00]: Quote, this has been something I've struggled with for most of my life.

[00:01:15] [SPEAKER_00]: At an instance today where I could have been more calm and rational about the situation,

[00:01:20] [SPEAKER_00]: but calm and rationality gave way to frustration and anger.

[00:01:25] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm wondering what habits I can use instead to keep from falling into fits of anger. End quote.

[00:01:32] [SPEAKER_00]: This probably sounds familiar to some of us.

[00:01:35] [SPEAKER_00]: We feel overloaded and then maybe lash out at someone in frustration and anger.

[00:01:40] [SPEAKER_00]: This comes from the hope that things will be calm, orderly, simple, solid, and under control.

[00:01:48] [SPEAKER_00]: The world doesn't comply with this hope, however, as it is chaotic, disorder, constantly changing, never fixed, and groundless.

[00:01:58] [SPEAKER_00]: So we get frustrated, angry at others, and feel anxiety.

[00:02:03] [SPEAKER_00]: So how do we deal with the frustration that arises?

[00:02:06] [SPEAKER_00]: How can we create a habit of calm?

[00:02:10] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to share a series of practices that you can turn into habits.

[00:02:15] [SPEAKER_00]: When you notice yourself feeling frustrated instead of lashing out, practice the following.

[00:02:20] [SPEAKER_00]: If you practice them over and over, whenever you notice frustration, you will start to shift.

[00:02:26] [SPEAKER_00]: The first practice is to catch your habitual pattern as early as you can and shifting by not allowing yourself to indulge in it.

[00:02:35] [SPEAKER_00]: When you notice yourself getting frustrated and feeling overloaded,

[00:02:39] [SPEAKER_00]: notice the urge to go to your habitual pattern like shutting down or lashing out, but pause instead of indulging it.

[00:02:47] [SPEAKER_00]: The next practice is to drop into the body.

[00:02:50] [SPEAKER_00]: Again, pause and let yourself take a breath.

[00:02:54] [SPEAKER_00]: Drop your attention into your body and notice the sensations of frustration and overwhelm.

[00:03:01] [SPEAKER_00]: Stay with these sensations with curiosity.

[00:03:04] [SPEAKER_00]: Notice how strong the urge to lash out feels and just savor that strong feeling instead of acting on it.

[00:03:12] [SPEAKER_00]: Open up to it, relax around it, be with it.

[00:03:16] [SPEAKER_00]: Love this feeling if you can or at least be compassionate with it.

[00:03:20] [SPEAKER_00]: Once you practice this, you get more and more comfortable being in the middle of frustration

[00:03:25] [SPEAKER_00]: and you don't need to relieve the feeling by lashing out.

[00:03:29] [SPEAKER_00]: You now have more space to calm yourself and do the next practice.

[00:03:34] [SPEAKER_00]: The third practice is to use this newfound space to connect to the other person.

[00:03:40] [SPEAKER_00]: Now I understand that you might be angry at them and so connecting to them is the last thing you want to do.

[00:03:45] [SPEAKER_00]: The heart is closed to them because you think they are the problem.

[00:03:49] [SPEAKER_00]: The problem is your closed heart.

[00:03:52] [SPEAKER_00]: Try not indulging in that shutting down and opening yourself a little.

[00:03:57] [SPEAKER_00]: This is a challenging but transformative practice.

[00:04:01] [SPEAKER_00]: From this place, notice the other person.

[00:04:04] [SPEAKER_00]: They are acting the way they are acting because they are feeling some kind of pain themselves.

[00:04:09] [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe they are feeling insecure, anxious or worried about the future.

[00:04:13] [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe they are hurt by something you did and are themselves lashing out in frustration.

[00:04:19] [SPEAKER_00]: We can understand that.

[00:04:20] [SPEAKER_00]: You are feeling the same thing.

[00:04:22] [SPEAKER_00]: In this way, the two of you are connected.

[00:04:26] [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe you have responded to their frustration with frustration of your own.

[00:04:29] [SPEAKER_00]: Now you are suffering like they are suffering.

[00:04:32] [SPEAKER_00]: You are connected in this way, the same.

[00:04:35] [SPEAKER_00]: Let this sameness open you up to them, understanding them in a more human way.

[00:04:41] [SPEAKER_00]: They are not the problem.

[00:04:42] [SPEAKER_00]: They are suffering like you are.

[00:04:45] [SPEAKER_00]: You are in this together.

[00:04:47] [SPEAKER_00]: Now how can you work on this together?

[00:04:49] [SPEAKER_00]: The final practice is try to find an appropriate, loving and compassionate response.

[00:04:55] [SPEAKER_00]: You have empathized with the other person, but now you need to take action.

[00:05:00] [SPEAKER_00]: The answer of what action to take is not always easy, but at the very least you are not responding

[00:05:05] [SPEAKER_00]: from a place of anger, which is a place that gives rise to inappropriate responses like lashing out.

[00:05:12] [SPEAKER_00]: What is an inappropriate, loving, compassionate response?

[00:05:16] [SPEAKER_00]: It really depends on the situation.

[00:05:18] [SPEAKER_00]: Some examples, the other person is upset and going through a hard time, so you help them calm down,

[00:05:24] [SPEAKER_00]: listen to their frustrations, offer empathy and compassion, and talk through a solution together.

[00:05:31] [SPEAKER_00]: The other person acted inconsiderably, but perhaps was unaware of how they affected you,

[00:05:36] [SPEAKER_00]: so you come to them when you've calmed down and talked to them compassionately about it,

[00:05:41] [SPEAKER_00]: sharing the impact of their actions on you, and asking calmly for a specific thing they can do in the future instead.

[00:05:48] [SPEAKER_00]: The other person is not willing to engage in a compassionate dialogue and is set upon being a jerk.

[00:05:54] [SPEAKER_00]: You can't talk to them calmly because they argue with everything.

[00:05:58] [SPEAKER_00]: In this case, you might get a third party to mediate, like a couples counselor or a manager in your workplace.

[00:06:05] [SPEAKER_00]: Or, the other person is abusive.

[00:06:08] [SPEAKER_00]: You empathize with the pain they must feel in order to be like this,

[00:06:12] [SPEAKER_00]: but you also remove yourself from the situation to protect yourself from harm.

[00:06:17] [SPEAKER_00]: You try to help them get the help they need while being firm about your boundaries.

[00:06:22] [SPEAKER_00]: As you can see, there are many possibilities, many more than I can list here.

[00:06:27] [SPEAKER_00]: These are just some examples to show you that you can find a loving, appropriate response to the situation

[00:06:33] [SPEAKER_00]: if you come from a place of compassion and calm.

[00:06:37] [SPEAKER_00]: In the end, this stuff takes a lot of practice,

[00:06:40] [SPEAKER_00]: but it's immeasurably more helpful to do these practices than to lash out,

[00:06:45] [SPEAKER_00]: which hurts not only the other person, but yourself as well.

[00:06:53] [SPEAKER_00]: You just listened to the post titled,

[00:06:55] [SPEAKER_00]: The Habit of Calm When You're Feeling Frustrated by Leo Babauta of ZenHabits.net.

[00:07:01] [SPEAKER_00]: And I'll be right back with my commentary.

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[00:08:12] [SPEAKER_00]: Thank you to Leo.

[00:08:14] [SPEAKER_00]: He mentioned that the first step is noticing our urge to go into a habitual pattern.

[00:08:19] [SPEAKER_00]: And I love that language because it's also something I learned while at a personal development retreat.

[00:08:25] [SPEAKER_00]: We all have patterns we go into when we're faced with, well, lots of things.

[00:08:30] [SPEAKER_00]: Stress, anxiety, pain, and so on.

[00:08:33] [SPEAKER_00]: They become so habitual that we don't even see them.

[00:08:38] [SPEAKER_00]: Like for me personally, mine tends to be withdrawal as one example.

[00:08:43] [SPEAKER_00]: Before, if someone were to ask me, I probably would have said,

[00:08:46] [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, I'm just an introvert. I recharge by being alone.

[00:08:49] [SPEAKER_00]: So if I'm not feeling good, I'll go be alone.

[00:08:53] [SPEAKER_00]: But I realized with a lot of investigating that there's more to it than that.

[00:08:58] [SPEAKER_00]: It's a pattern.

[00:09:00] [SPEAKER_00]: And I don't withdraw just because I need to recharge or I'm socially drained.

[00:09:04] [SPEAKER_00]: It could be because I'm angry or sad about something and withdrawing for me is easier than doing something about it.

[00:09:12] [SPEAKER_00]: I could be in some kind of physical pain, maybe stressed.

[00:09:15] [SPEAKER_00]: It could be lots of things and I'll end up withdrawing.

[00:09:18] [SPEAKER_00]: And this is just one pattern of many.

[00:09:22] [SPEAKER_00]: Anxiety itself could be a habitual pattern like worrying.

[00:09:26] [SPEAKER_00]: Thoughts like, I'm not good enough.

[00:09:29] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm ugly.

[00:09:30] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm broken.

[00:09:31] [SPEAKER_00]: These are all patterns too.

[00:09:33] [SPEAKER_00]: If we're not aware that we have them, they can just sit there in the background and get stuck.

[00:09:39] [SPEAKER_00]: And it's not easy, but the first step as always is to recognize that they do exist.

[00:09:44] [SPEAKER_00]: And then hopefully from there, we can work on it.

[00:09:47] [SPEAKER_00]: It's a slight deviation from this article, but something that I think is worth talking about

[00:09:51] [SPEAKER_00]: and worth considering today and this weekend.

[00:09:54] [SPEAKER_00]: Thank you for being here and listening every day, including the weekends.

[00:09:58] [SPEAKER_00]: Have a great weekend and I'll catch you tomorrow where your optimal life awaits.

[00:10:02] [SPEAKER_00]: Let's go.

[00:10:03] Let's go.

[00:10:03] You