3368: When Did You Stop Asking for What You Want? by Dr. Kelly Flanagan on Uncovering Joy & Love

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[00:01:06] When did you stop asking for what you want?

[00:01:10] By Dr. Kelly Flanagan of DrKelleyFlanagan.com

[00:01:13] And I'm Justin Malek here to help you find a little bit of extra inspiration, motivation or even happiness in your day.

[00:01:20] So with that, let's get right to it and start optimizing your life.

[00:01:28] When did you stop asking for what you want?

[00:01:31] By Dr. Kelly Flanagan of DrKelleyFlanagan.com

[00:01:35] It's a Saturday morning in early December, which means I'm sitting at the kitchen table with the kids, a cup of coffee and a discussion about all the Christmas gifts they want.

[00:01:45] And I'm annoyed by all the asking seems a little materialistic.

[00:01:50] So I decide to rain on their parade.

[00:01:53] I ask, which month do you like better?

[00:01:56] December or January?

[00:01:58] And of course they all scream December.

[00:02:00] So I ask, most of December you don't have any new gifts, but in January you have all your new toys.

[00:02:07] If the gifts are so great, why do you like December more?

[00:02:10] They roll their eyes and ignore me and the stream of requests begins to flow again.

[00:02:17] As I listen though, the stream of requests is my answer.

[00:02:21] What makes December so joyful for kids?

[00:02:24] They're given the freedom to want and to ask.

[00:02:29] Why we quit asking.

[00:02:31] From an early age, we get taught to not ask.

[00:02:34] I do it to my children.

[00:02:36] Usually when the asking piles up.

[00:02:38] Can you reach this for me?

[00:02:40] Can I have more ice cream?

[00:02:41] Will you read me one more book?

[00:02:43] When can we play video games?

[00:02:45] Can we go to the toy aisle?

[00:02:47] I subtly discourage the asking with quiet sighs or with eye rolls of my own.

[00:02:54] Or by getting up slowly and dramatically to grant the request.

[00:02:57] As children, we learn our wanting is a burden.

[00:03:02] School is organized around doing what you're told and suppressing what you want.

[00:03:06] It's all about raised hands and hall passes and a red stoplight in the lunchroom.

[00:03:11] The whole structure is designed to keep a kid from talking, wanting, and asking.

[00:03:16] Thank you teachers who quietly subvert this.

[00:03:19] As children, we learn our asking is forbidden.

[00:03:23] So as adults, the joy of asking is replaced by a feeling of guilt.

[00:03:29] We feel guilty asking for raises, asking our spouse to help around the house, asking a waiter to take back the wrong order,

[00:03:36] or asking the person with an overflowing cart of groceries if we can move ahead of them with our single carton of milk.

[00:03:42] We even feel guilty asking for help.

[00:03:45] Most clients arrive in therapy saying,

[00:03:48] I shouldn't need help like this.

[00:03:50] As adults, our wants get buried beneath a mountain of guilt and shame and frustration.

[00:03:58] We need to unearth them again.

[00:04:01] And when we do, we're going to discover our silenced requests are actually buried treasures.

[00:04:07] How can I be so sure?

[00:04:08] Because when we quit forbidding and start encouraging our children to fully want,

[00:04:13] the things they want are utterly beautiful.

[00:04:18] What happens when we start asking?

[00:04:21] In September, my oldest son asked if he could continue his annual birthday tradition.

[00:04:26] Every year, in lieu of presents, he asks his friends to bring bags of food for the local food pantry.

[00:04:33] Every year, we take a picture of the kids standing amongst a pile of food for hungry people.

[00:04:38] Every year in the photo, the kids' faces are plastered with joy.

[00:04:43] My son wants beautiful things.

[00:04:46] In October, my daughter asked if she could cut out color and deliver invitations for her friends to donate to the local food bank

[00:04:55] so that disadvantaged families would have something to eat for Thanksgiving dinner.

[00:04:58] When we finally dropped the invitations into her friends' backpacks at school,

[00:05:03] her smile finally stretched from ear to ear.

[00:05:06] My daughter wants beautiful things.

[00:05:09] In November, during the week before Thanksgiving,

[00:05:12] my kids went to a friend's house and packed lunches for the children in their school

[00:05:16] who wouldn't have access to their free school lunches over the week-long break.

[00:05:21] My son said he saw a kid carrying one of the lunches.

[00:05:25] He said it was the best part of his day.

[00:05:28] Our kids want beautiful things.

[00:05:32] In the first weeks of December,

[00:05:34] my kids went shopping for Christmas gifts for the less fortunate children in their school.

[00:05:38] They bought basic items like shirts and coats and hats and gloves.

[00:05:44] While shopping, they bought materials to create Christmas gifts for each other.

[00:05:47] When they got home, they asked if they could forfeit some of their presents again this year

[00:05:52] to choose Christmas gifts for children in underdeveloped countries.

[00:05:56] My kids want beautiful things.

[00:05:59] In our area, there's an organization called Feed My Starving Children.

[00:06:04] Groups of parents and kids sign up to pack meals for hungry people half a world away.

[00:06:10] By the time the kids are done, they're glowing with joy.

[00:06:13] We tried to sign up for a time slot this year, but they're all full.

[00:06:16] Too many other kids are already packing food and glowing with joy.

[00:06:21] Kids want beautiful things.

[00:06:24] So do adults if we can give ourselves permission to want again.

[00:06:28] And so do adults if we can become like children again.

[00:06:32] We need more asking.

[00:06:35] At Christmas time, kids are joyful because we're giving them permission to be their good and beautiful selves

[00:06:42] and to connect with us through their asking.

[00:06:45] And they're teaching us something about ourselves and about joy.

[00:06:49] Our wants aren't ultimately bad or selfish.

[00:06:53] Our wants, in the end, reveal the depths of love within us.

[00:06:58] We must plumb those depths.

[00:07:00] And then, when we discover all the good and beautiful things we want,

[00:07:05] just waiting for a voice to make them real,

[00:07:07] we must start asking.

[00:07:09] It is a way of expressing who we truly are,

[00:07:12] and it is a way of connecting who we are to the people around us.

[00:07:17] We don't need less of that.

[00:07:19] We need more of that.

[00:07:21] We need a world full of people wanting and asking.

[00:07:25] So we might discover the treasure of love within us,

[00:07:27] so joy may finally come to the world,

[00:07:30] and so the magic of this month might last longer than a season.

[00:07:39] You just listened to the post titled,

[00:07:41] When Did You Stop Asking For What You Want?

[00:07:44] by Dr. Kelly Flanagan of drkellyflanagan.com.

[00:07:47] And I'll be right back with my commentary.

[00:07:50] Thank you to Dr. Kelly.

[00:07:51] The timing is actually right with this one,

[00:07:54] since it seems we start to think about the holiday season

[00:07:57] earlier and earlier every year.

[00:07:59] But anyway, the part where he talked about

[00:08:02] how we learn to suppress our wants as we grow up

[00:08:05] definitely hit home for me.

[00:08:07] It's really easy to hold back from asking for something,

[00:08:11] for anything, especially at work,

[00:08:13] like asking for help or for a raise,

[00:08:17] but also smaller things,

[00:08:21] like he mentioned.

[00:08:23] I don't think I've ever done that,

[00:08:25] even if I just had one item

[00:08:26] and the person in front of me had 30.

[00:08:29] I just don't want to be a bother.

[00:08:30] And what's funny is that

[00:08:32] I just had a dream last night

[00:08:34] that I was back to working a corporate job

[00:08:36] and got a promotion,

[00:08:38] and when they gave me the new salary,

[00:08:40] I was pleased.

[00:08:41] But right after, I was thinking to myself,

[00:08:43] why didn't I ask for a bigger raise?

[00:08:46] Why didn't I negotiate at all?

[00:08:48] I definitely could have secured

[00:08:49] even a tiny bit more if I had asked.

[00:08:52] So the timing was really weird for me

[00:08:54] when he was talking about that part.

[00:08:56] But in any case,

[00:08:57] I'm sure part of this article

[00:08:59] hit home for you, at least,

[00:09:00] and something to think about this weekend.

[00:09:03] And with that, have a great weekend.

[00:09:05] Thank you for being here and listening every day,

[00:09:07] and I'll see you back here tomorrow

[00:09:08] where your optimal life always.

[00:09:10] Thank you.