3389: [Part 1] The Most Important Question of Your Life by Mark Manson on Personal Development

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[00:00:57] This is Optimal Living Daily. The most important question of your life. Part 1. By Mark Manson of markmanson.net.

[00:01:06] And I'm Justin Malek. Happy middle of the week Wednesday and welcome to one of the only podcasts in the world

[00:01:12] where articles are narrated to you for free. A little bit of positivity every day, which adds up after time.

[00:01:18] And sometimes I read longer posts that I split into two. That's the case today.

[00:01:23] I'll read the first half today, then finish the rest tomorrow.

[00:01:26] So with that, let's get right to part 1 and start optimizing your life.

[00:01:34] The most important question of your life. Part 1. By Mark Manson of markmanson.net.

[00:01:42] Everybody wants what feels good.

[00:01:44] Everyone wants to live a carefree, happy, and easy life.

[00:01:49] To fall in love and have amazing s***s and relationships.

[00:01:53] To look perfect and make money and be popular and well-respected and admired.

[00:02:00] And a total b***h to the point that people part like the Red Sea when you walk into the room.

[00:02:06] Everyone would like that. It's easy to like that.

[00:02:09] And if I ask you, what do you want out of life?

[00:02:13] And you say something like, I want to be happy and have a great family and job I like.

[00:02:18] It's so ubiquitous, it doesn't even mean anything.

[00:02:22] A more interesting question, a question that perhaps you've never considered before,

[00:02:26] is what pain do you want in your life?

[00:02:30] What are you willing to struggle for?

[00:02:32] Because that seems to be a greater determinant of how our lives turn out.

[00:02:36] Everybody wants to have an amazing job and financial independence.

[00:02:41] But not everyone wants to suffer through the 60-hour work weeks, long commutes,

[00:02:46] and obnoxious paperwork to navigate arbitrary corporate hierarchies

[00:02:50] and the blasé confines of an infinite cubicle.

[00:02:54] People want to be rich without the risk, without the sacrifice,

[00:02:59] without the delayed gratification necessary to accumulate wealth.

[00:03:03] Everybody wants to have great sex and an awesome relationship.

[00:03:08] But not everyone is willing to go through the tough conversations,

[00:03:11] the awkward silences, the hurt feelings,

[00:03:14] and the emotional psychodrama to get there.

[00:03:17] They view pain as an objectively negative thing to be avoided at all costs,

[00:03:23] whereas reality is much more nuanced.

[00:03:26] We're all capable of, and I'd argue responsible for,

[00:03:30] ascribing meaning to our pain.

[00:03:32] And this can actually give our life purpose.

[00:03:35] But most people don't realize this.

[00:03:38] And so they settle.

[00:03:40] They settle and wonder,

[00:03:42] what if, for years and years,

[00:03:44] until the question morphs from what if into,

[00:03:48] was that it?

[00:03:49] And when the lawyers go home and the alimony check is in the mail,

[00:03:53] they say,

[00:03:54] what was that for?

[00:03:55] If not for their lowered standards and expectations 20 years prior,

[00:03:59] then what for?

[00:04:01] Happiness requires struggle.

[00:04:03] The positive is the side effect of handling the negative.

[00:04:07] You can only avoid negative experiences for so long

[00:04:10] before they come roaring back to life.

[00:04:13] At the core of all human behavior,

[00:04:15] our needs are more or less similar.

[00:04:18] Positive experience is easy to handle.

[00:04:21] It's negative experience that we all, by definition, struggle with.

[00:04:25] Therefore, what we get out of life is not determined by the good feelings we desire,

[00:04:31] but by what bad feelings we're willing and able to sustain

[00:04:35] to get us to those good feelings.

[00:04:38] People want an amazing physique.

[00:04:41] But you don't end up with one unless you legitimately appreciate the pain

[00:04:45] and physical stress that comes with living inside a gym for hour upon hour.

[00:04:50] Unless you love calculating and calibrating the food you eat,

[00:04:53] planning your life out in tiny plate-sized portions.

[00:04:56] People want to start their own business or become financially independent,

[00:05:00] but you don't end up a successful entrepreneur

[00:05:02] unless you find a way to appreciate the risk,

[00:05:05] the uncertainty,

[00:05:07] the repeated failures,

[00:05:08] and work insane hours on something you have no idea whether or not it'll be successful.

[00:05:13] People want a partner,

[00:05:15] a spouse,

[00:05:16] but you don't end up attracting someone amazing

[00:05:18] without appreciating the emotional turbulence

[00:05:21] that comes with weathering rejections,

[00:05:24] building the sexual tension that never gets released,

[00:05:27] and staring blankly at a phone that never rings.

[00:05:30] It's part of the game of love.

[00:05:32] You can't win if you don't play.

[00:05:34] What determines your success isn't,

[00:05:37] what do you want to enjoy?

[00:05:39] The question is,

[00:05:40] what pain do you want to sustain?

[00:05:43] The quality of your life is not determined

[00:05:45] by the quality of your positive experiences,

[00:05:47] but the quality of your negative experiences.

[00:05:50] And to get good at dealing with negative experiences

[00:05:53] is to get good at dealing with life.

[00:05:58] To be continued.

[00:06:03] You just listened to part one of the post titled,

[00:06:05] The Most Important Question of Your Life

[00:06:08] by Mark Manson of markmanson.net.

[00:06:11] And I'll be right back with my commentary.

[00:06:14] Thank you to Mark.

[00:06:15] This is actually an updated excerpt from his very popular book,

[00:06:19] The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F.

[00:06:21] So if you like where this is going,

[00:06:23] you'll probably like the book.

[00:06:25] And again, this is just the first half.

[00:06:26] I'll finish the rest of the article on tomorrow's show.

[00:06:29] But so far, I can't disagree.

[00:06:32] It's easy to get stuck in the shallow goals

[00:06:35] of wanting more money or a promotion or retirement

[00:06:40] or the quote unquote perfect relationship.

[00:06:44] And when we get those things or think we're close to it,

[00:06:47] we somehow feel like we're in the exact same spot as before,

[00:06:51] at least emotionally.

[00:06:53] Probably just as happy or miserable as we were before.

[00:06:57] And like you said,

[00:06:58] it could be because we think we want these things,

[00:07:00] but what those things require or come with,

[00:07:04] well, it's not what we expected or had in mind.

[00:07:07] I think this is a common issue for people

[00:07:09] who have overnight success or win the lottery.

[00:07:12] It's all fun and games for a little bit

[00:07:14] until they realize everything else that comes with it

[00:07:17] or the work required to live that lifestyle.

[00:07:22] So a good one to think about today,

[00:07:23] but we're just halfway through.

[00:07:25] We'll hear the rest of this tomorrow.

[00:07:27] So with that, thank you for being here

[00:07:28] and listening to the first half.

[00:07:30] And I'll be back tomorrow to finish up this post,

[00:07:33] where your optimal life awaits.