3417: The Problem With (How We Treat) Highly Disciplined People by Dr. Samantha Joel of Luvze

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[00:00:38] This is Optimal Living Daily, The Problem With How We Treat Highly Disciplined People by Dr. Samantha Joel of Luvze.com and I'm Justin Malik.

[00:00:47] Welcome back to a Sunday bonus episode where I give you a little extra content from a podcast in our network that I think will also help you live a life that's a bit more meaningful and happier.

[00:00:57] This episode today is coming from Optimal Relationships Daily.

[00:01:00] So without further ado, here's Greg with another post as we optimize your life.

[00:01:09] The Problem With How We Treat Highly Disciplined People by Dr. Samantha Joel of Luvze.com

[00:01:17] Self-Control. It's a skill that most of us wish we had a lot more of.

[00:01:22] Yet, every once in a while, you meet a person who has a seemingly mystical ability to make themselves do things they ought to do,

[00:01:30] and resist the urge to do things they ought not to do.

[00:01:33] It's that person who walks their dog, eats their oatmeal, picks up coffee for everyone in the office,

[00:01:39] and still shows up to work by 9am.

[00:01:42] The person who gets their day's work done by lunch and then works out during their lunch hour.

[00:01:47] The person who not only makes homemade cards for their friend and family's birthdays, but actually gets them mailed on time.

[00:01:54] It's easy to envy such individuals.

[00:01:57] People who have high self-control are more likely to achieve their goals in a wide variety of domains.

[00:02:03] Research shows that people with high levels of self-control tend to get better grades in school.

[00:02:08] They're less likely to engage in problem behaviors such as binge eating and alcohol abuse.

[00:02:13] And they have better psychological adjustment compared to people with lower levels of self-control.

[00:02:19] High self-control also has important benefits for romantic relationships.

[00:02:24] For example, married couples with greater combined levels of self-control are more responsive, trusting, and forgiving of one another.

[00:02:33] They have smoother day-to-day interactions, they have less day-to-day conflict, and they are more satisfied with their relationships on the whole.

[00:02:41] Looking at the literature, it's tempting to conclude that one simply can't go wrong by having high levels of self-control,

[00:02:48] or by having close others with high levels of self-control.

[00:02:52] However, in a paper that just came out this year, Coval, Van Dellen, Fitzsimmons, and Ranby explored a potential downside to self-control,

[00:03:02] the high expectations that others might have of high self-control individuals.

[00:03:07] Following are three ways we tend to treat high self-control individuals, according to their research,

[00:03:13] that might be damaging for our relationships with such individuals.

[00:03:18] Number one, we expect them to perform better.

[00:03:21] We expect people with high self-control to perform better compared to those with low self-control.

[00:03:27] For example, in study one, undergraduate students were presented with a description of a hypothetical student,

[00:03:34] Sam, who was tempted to make an unnecessary purchase on iTunes.

[00:03:39] Next, the undergrads rated how well they thought Sam would perform in the context of a group project.

[00:03:45] Undergrads who read that Sam resisted the urge to make the purchase,

[00:03:48] suggesting that Sam had high self-control,

[00:03:51] predicted that Sam would perform better on the group project,

[00:03:54] compared to undergrads who read that Sam had made the impulsive purchase.

[00:03:59] In other words, when we witness someone exhibiting high self-control in one domain,

[00:04:04] we then expect them to perform better in unrelated domains.

[00:04:09] Number two, we ask them to do more work.

[00:04:13] At first glance, high expectations may not seem like a bad thing.

[00:04:17] Isn't it nice for people to think highly of you?

[00:04:20] Unfortunately, these high expectations are not limited to quality of work.

[00:04:25] We also expect more from high self-control individuals in terms of quantity of work.

[00:04:30] In another study, undergraduate students were asked to imagine that they were in charge of a peer mentorship program.

[00:04:36] They were given a stack of essays written by junior students and asked to distribute them among a group of high GPA senior students for proofreading.

[00:04:46] Participants were also given descriptions of the senior students,

[00:04:49] including whether or not they were successfully meeting their New Year's resolutions.

[00:04:53] Senior students who had met their New Year's resolutions, indicative of high self-control,

[00:04:59] were given more essays to proofread than students who had failed to meet their New Year's resolutions.

[00:05:04] Swap out proofreading essays for a task like doing the dishes or running errands,

[00:05:09] and it's easy to see how these high expectations could breed resentment in the context of close relationships.

[00:05:16] Number three, we underestimate their effort.

[00:05:20] In another study, students were asked to rate their own self-control with items like,

[00:05:25] I have a hard time breaking bad habits.

[00:05:27] The students were then asked to perform a lab task that requires self-control,

[00:05:32] typing out a text without including spaces or the letter E,

[00:05:36] and to rate how difficult they found the task to be.

[00:05:39] Next, participants were told that another student was completing the same measures and tasks at the same time.

[00:05:46] They were presented with what they believed to be the self-control ratings of the other student,

[00:05:51] and were asked to rate how difficult they thought the typing task was for the other student.

[00:05:56] Participants' reports of the difficulty of the tasks for themselves didn't differ by their self-control levels.

[00:06:02] That is, students who rated themselves as being high versus low on self-control found the task to be equally challenging.

[00:06:10] However, when rating other students,

[00:06:13] participants thought that the task was easier for students with high self-control compared to students with low self-control.

[00:06:20] In other words, even when high self-control individuals are working just as hard as those with less self-control,

[00:06:27] people assume that the work is easier for them.

[00:06:31] Taken together, it makes sense that these factors might cause relationship problems for high self-control individuals.

[00:06:38] With everyone expecting greater and better performance from them,

[00:06:41] while also downplaying their efforts,

[00:06:44] people with high self-control might be left feeling overburdened by their friends, family, and co-workers.

[00:06:50] And that's exactly what the researchers found in their last two studies.

[00:06:54] In study 5,

[00:06:56] people with high levels of self-control felt that their co-workers expected more from them day to day,

[00:07:01] and they felt burdened by these expectations.

[00:07:04] Meanwhile,

[00:07:05] co-workers recognized that they expected more from these high self-control individuals,

[00:07:09] but they did not realize that these expectations led to the high self-control individual feeling overburdened.

[00:07:16] Rather,

[00:07:17] the sentiment seemed to be that high self-control individuals can handle the higher workload.

[00:07:23] Study 6 examined potential downsides of self-control among romantic couples.

[00:07:29] Replicating previous findings,

[00:07:31] individuals with high self-control tended to be more satisfied with their relationships.

[00:07:36] However,

[00:07:37] people with high self-control also felt that their partners relied on them to a greater extent,

[00:07:43] leading them to feel burdened,

[00:07:44] which in turn led to lower satisfaction.

[00:07:47] In other words,

[00:07:48] although high self-control individuals are happier in their relationships overall,

[00:07:53] they would be more satisfied still if their partners did not expect so much of them.

[00:07:58] The take-home message of this research is that just because high self-control individuals

[00:08:04] are able to handle large workloads doesn't mean that they should be expected to.

[00:08:09] As we saw in the study on effort,

[00:08:11] completing difficult tasks is just as effortful for those with high self-control

[00:08:16] as it is for those with low self-control.

[00:08:18] If those efforts aren't appreciated and respected,

[00:08:22] high self-control individuals are at risk of becoming overworked and overburdened.

[00:08:26] So, if you have a co-worker, friend, or even a romantic partner with impressive levels of self-control,

[00:08:33] try to acknowledge the effort they put in,

[00:08:36] and keep your expectations of them manageable and fair.

[00:08:39] In contrast, if you are the person with high levels of self-control,

[00:08:43] consider using some of that self-control to resist the urge to take on more work than you can comfortably manage.

[00:08:50] Your relationships will thank you for it.

[00:08:56] You just listened to the post titled,

[00:08:58] The Problem with How We Treat Highly Disciplined People,

[00:09:02] by Dr. Samantha Joel of loves.com.

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[00:10:15] And thanks a lot to Dr. Samantha for this article.

[00:10:19] Certainly a lot of great information here to stay mindful of when interacting with people who

[00:10:23] we see as being highly disciplined.

[00:10:26] What I'd really love to see, though, is similar research conducted around other personality traits

[00:10:30] and how our perceptions of them lead us to treat those people differently in their own ways.

[00:10:36] But who I really want to speak to here before we wrap up is the highly disciplined people in question,

[00:10:41] because this article, while defending them, of course, is still written for other people.

[00:10:46] So one thing to keep in mind for the highly disciplined person in this case,

[00:10:50] or anyone who can tell they're treated differently due to strong behavioral associations that people make with them,

[00:10:56] is that you may be asking or inviting people to continue treating you this way.

[00:11:02] Even though it may feel stressful in the moment or, you know, we may feel unheard,

[00:11:07] it can be difficult to ask people to treat us differently if the way they treat us is something we've always been celebrated for.

[00:11:15] So for the highly disciplined person, they may have received a lot of compliments in the past,

[00:11:21] because self-control is often seen as a great trait.

[00:11:24] So there can be turmoil, inner turmoil, when the very thing that we get recognition for

[00:11:30] also starts to come with treatment that is painful for us.

[00:11:34] And it's in the midst of this turmoil that it's important to look for nuances,

[00:11:39] consider the ways in which we might like to present ourselves to others,

[00:11:42] and whether or not this very familiar part of us is beginning to cause more pain than pleasure.

[00:11:48] If it does feel like there's more pain than pleasure,

[00:11:51] then it's a good opportunity to set new boundaries and do whatever possible

[00:11:55] to make sure that this trait we have is as helpful to us as possible.

[00:12:00] Okay, everyone. And that's going to do it for this one.

[00:12:03] Thanks again to Dr. Samantha.

[00:12:05] Thanks to all of you for being here,

[00:12:06] and thanks for sharing this episode with someone if you feel it would help them.

[00:12:10] Have a great rest of your weekend if you're listening in real time,

[00:12:12] and I hope to see you again tomorrow for another post where your optimal life awaits.

[00:12:18] Thank you.