3440: Stop Should by Jenny Lee of Hello Brio on How to Cultivate a Mindset of Clarity and Motivation

[00:00:00] [SPEAKER_00]: This is Optimal Living Daily, Stop Should by Jenny Lee of HelloBrio.com and I'm Justin Malik here to help you find a little bit of extra inspiration, motivation or happiness in your day.

[00:00:13] [SPEAKER_00]: You can hit the subscribe or follow button in your favorite podcast app to get new episodes every single day of the year.

[00:00:19] [SPEAKER_00]: But with that, let's get right to another post and continue optimizing your life.

[00:00:28] [SPEAKER_00]: Stop Should by Jenny Lee of HelloBrio.com

[00:00:33] [SPEAKER_00]: Here's the thing about what you should and shouldn't do.

[00:00:37] [SPEAKER_00]: Ever since I read this email from Stephen Handel of The Science of Self,

[00:00:41] [SPEAKER_00]: I started thinking about where should exists in my life and what it means to me.

[00:00:46] [SPEAKER_00]: Stephen said,

[00:00:47] [SPEAKER_00]: When you find yourself saying, I really should do blank, it reflects a deep internal conflict within yourself.

[00:00:54] [SPEAKER_00]: Basically, Stephen Handel makes the argument that if you decide you should be doing something,

[00:00:59] [SPEAKER_00]: you need to stop vexing about it and just do it, or you can put it off because it isn't that important.

[00:01:06] [SPEAKER_00]: As the title of his email states,

[00:01:08] [SPEAKER_00]: If it really matters to you, you'll make time for it.

[00:01:12] [SPEAKER_00]: As I've said before, it can be incredibly liberating to get some things off your to-do list.

[00:01:17] [SPEAKER_00]: However, some of these things on your should list might need some serious reevaluation.

[00:01:23] [SPEAKER_00]: By reevaluating your personal use of the word, you may start to notice some things.

[00:01:28] [SPEAKER_00]: In the weeks that have passed since I read Stephen's email,

[00:01:31] [SPEAKER_00]: I've been making a conscious decision not to use the word ever.

[00:01:35] [SPEAKER_00]: When it does slip, I recognize it as a red flag and something that needs more attention and evaluation.

[00:01:42] [SPEAKER_00]: In thinking about where the shoulds were in my life,

[00:01:45] [SPEAKER_00]: I found a lot of these came easily to me as evidenced by the growing list of past do-to-do items on my list.

[00:01:52] [SPEAKER_00]: For example, I thought about how long I've put off my website redesign,

[00:01:57] [SPEAKER_00]: how long it's been since I've been meaning to try this one chili recipe,

[00:02:01] [SPEAKER_00]: and other things like how I should be going to the gym every day.

[00:02:05] [SPEAKER_00]: I've also been listening to my friends use should

[00:02:07] [SPEAKER_00]: and have noticed the amount of angst that's associated with the word.

[00:02:11] [SPEAKER_00]: You know how it goes.

[00:02:12] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm sure you've said things like this in the past month or maybe even all of them today.

[00:02:17] [SPEAKER_00]: I should go to the gym.

[00:02:19] [SPEAKER_00]: I should call my friend to get together.

[00:02:21] [SPEAKER_00]: I should eat less carbohydrates.

[00:02:24] [SPEAKER_00]: I should write more for my blog.

[00:02:26] [SPEAKER_00]: A conflict of interest.

[00:02:28] [SPEAKER_00]: Shoulds versus wants.

[00:02:30] [SPEAKER_00]: As Stephen stated, if it really matters to you, you'll make time for it.

[00:02:35] [SPEAKER_00]: Let's consider the statement, I should go to the gym.

[00:02:39] [SPEAKER_00]: Think about your relationship with working out.

[00:02:41] [SPEAKER_00]: If you really want to go to the gym more often or in any given moment,

[00:02:45] [SPEAKER_00]: try this statement instead.

[00:02:47] [SPEAKER_00]: I want to go to the gym.

[00:02:50] [SPEAKER_00]: I want to go to the gym has a lot more heft to it than I should go to the gym.

[00:02:55] [SPEAKER_00]: The latter sounds like something you'll think about all day,

[00:02:57] [SPEAKER_00]: then think of 10 different ways to avoid doing the activity.

[00:03:01] [SPEAKER_00]: If you end up going,

[00:03:02] [SPEAKER_00]: you're probably going to feel miserable and want to leave immediately.

[00:03:05] [SPEAKER_00]: By simply changing the word from should to want, or better yet, will,

[00:03:11] [SPEAKER_00]: you've changed your opinion on the action and have made it more of a concrete plan

[00:03:15] [SPEAKER_00]: and less of an option.

[00:03:17] [SPEAKER_00]: An instant attitude shift.

[00:03:20] [SPEAKER_00]: The important thing I've noticed about practicing no-should-ism

[00:03:23] [SPEAKER_00]: is that if you replace the word should with another word,

[00:03:26] [SPEAKER_00]: it can instantly change your opinion on the situation at hand.

[00:03:30] [SPEAKER_00]: For example, if you've been meaning to get together with a friend

[00:03:34] [SPEAKER_00]: but always find yourself too tired or busy,

[00:03:36] [SPEAKER_00]: you may go day-to-day saying,

[00:03:38] [SPEAKER_00]: I should call my friend to get together.

[00:03:40] [SPEAKER_00]: Instead, try,

[00:03:42] [SPEAKER_00]: I'd like to call my friend to get together.

[00:03:44] [SPEAKER_00]: Suddenly, the seemingly relentless obligation to do something with your friend

[00:03:48] [SPEAKER_00]: seems positive and actionable,

[00:03:51] [SPEAKER_00]: and you'll probably end up having a blast.

[00:03:54] [SPEAKER_00]: Recognizing the difference between shoulds, obligations, and wants.

[00:03:59] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm not suggesting you abandon or complete your to-do lists.

[00:04:03] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm asking you to re-evaluate your shoulds.

[00:04:06] [SPEAKER_00]: To start, put your shoulds through some tests.

[00:04:09] [SPEAKER_00]: Is this something that will enrich my life?

[00:04:12] [SPEAKER_00]: Do I actually have to do it?

[00:04:14] [SPEAKER_00]: Do I want to do this?

[00:04:16] [SPEAKER_00]: Some things are, frankly, obligations.

[00:04:19] [SPEAKER_00]: You can't ignore your dishes or your broken showerhead, for example.

[00:04:22] [SPEAKER_00]: Even more important, you can't ignore your loved ones

[00:04:25] [SPEAKER_00]: or people or pets that depend on you.

[00:04:30] [SPEAKER_00]: Other things may be directly related to your quality of life.

[00:04:33] [SPEAKER_00]: I should eat less carbohydrates

[00:04:35] [SPEAKER_00]: may stem from a place where you found eating a ton of bread and pasta

[00:04:39] [SPEAKER_00]: makes you feel tired and makes you crave more,

[00:04:42] [SPEAKER_00]: well, bread and pasta.

[00:04:45] [SPEAKER_00]: If eating less carbs will make you feel more energized

[00:04:47] [SPEAKER_00]: and may help you attain other goals, like losing weight,

[00:04:51] [SPEAKER_00]: change the should to a want

[00:04:53] [SPEAKER_00]: because you ultimately want to be healthier and happier.

[00:04:57] [SPEAKER_00]: Don't give yourself wiggle room.

[00:05:00] [SPEAKER_00]: I want to write more for my blog is a lot less angsty than I should write more for my blog.

[00:05:05] [SPEAKER_00]: And in best practices of making any habit a success,

[00:05:09] [SPEAKER_00]: it's even better to attack the should statement with a concrete and attainable when and where.

[00:05:15] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to write a blog post on Tuesdays and Thursdays when I get home from work,

[00:05:19] [SPEAKER_00]: between the time I walk my dog and before I eat dinner.

[00:05:22] [SPEAKER_00]: I'll probably gain you more success than constantly going on and on about how you should be writing more.

[00:05:29] [SPEAKER_00]: My challenge to you.

[00:05:30] [SPEAKER_00]: Stop saying should.

[00:05:33] [SPEAKER_00]: This is my challenge to you.

[00:05:34] [SPEAKER_00]: While it may not be possible right away for you to stop using the word should,

[00:05:39] [SPEAKER_00]: at least start noticing when you do use the word

[00:05:41] [SPEAKER_00]: and what your thoughts and feelings are around the topic at hand when you do say it.

[00:05:46] [SPEAKER_00]: Next time you say,

[00:05:47] [SPEAKER_00]: I should finish that book,

[00:05:49] [SPEAKER_00]: I want you to think about whether you actually should or not.

[00:05:52] [SPEAKER_00]: Is it something you have to do,

[00:05:54] [SPEAKER_00]: like for a class or for work obligation?

[00:05:58] [SPEAKER_00]: If it is,

[00:05:59] [SPEAKER_00]: change your should to,

[00:06:00] [SPEAKER_00]: I will finish that book by reading in one hour blocks two times per day until I'm finished.

[00:06:06] [SPEAKER_00]: However,

[00:06:07] [SPEAKER_00]: if it's something that isn't an obligation,

[00:06:09] [SPEAKER_00]: maybe take a second and think whether or not finishing said book will actually benefit you.

[00:06:15] [SPEAKER_00]: If the book is really crazy and it won't hurt for you not to finish it,

[00:06:19] [SPEAKER_00]: then don't finish it and let it go back into the literary wild.

[00:06:23] [SPEAKER_00]: And on the third side of this coin,

[00:06:25] [SPEAKER_00]: if you do want to finish it,

[00:06:28] [SPEAKER_00]: carve away an appropriate amount of time to just sit back and do something that'll make you happy and fulfilled.

[00:06:34] [SPEAKER_00]: In short,

[00:06:35] [SPEAKER_00]: I don't want you to go around saying I should stop saying should.

[00:06:39] [SPEAKER_00]: That's counterproductive to what I'm trying to share with you.

[00:06:42] [SPEAKER_00]: Just be conscious about your thoughts and words

[00:06:45] [SPEAKER_00]: and recognize that using the word should

[00:06:47] [SPEAKER_00]: presents an opportunity for you to do some serious evaluating

[00:06:51] [SPEAKER_00]: with how you're spending your time.

[00:06:53] [SPEAKER_00]: I believe if you follow this mentality,

[00:06:55] [SPEAKER_00]: you'll find yourself in a happier and more productive environment.

[00:06:59] [SPEAKER_00]: What is your relationship with the word should?

[00:07:06] [SPEAKER_00]: You just listened to the post titled

[00:07:08] [SPEAKER_00]: Stop Should

[00:07:10] [SPEAKER_00]: by Jenny Lee of HelloBrio.com

[00:07:12] [SPEAKER_00]: I'll be right back with my commentary.

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[00:08:20] [SPEAKER_00]: Thank you to Jenny.

[00:08:21] [SPEAKER_00]: This one really made me think about my own use of the word should.

[00:08:25] [SPEAKER_00]: It's amazing how one little word can have such a big impact on our mindset and actions.

[00:08:30] [SPEAKER_00]: I definitely catch myself using it from time to time.

[00:08:33] [SPEAKER_00]: Like, I should get more episodes ahead on this podcast.

[00:08:36] [SPEAKER_00]: Probably say that to my business partner every time we talk.

[00:08:40] [SPEAKER_00]: Something I learned while doing a personal development retreat is how powerful our words and thoughts really are.

[00:08:47] [SPEAKER_00]: And changing just one word, like Jenny suggested, from should to want,

[00:08:52] [SPEAKER_00]: can completely shift how we feel about something.

[00:08:54] [SPEAKER_00]: And like she mentioned, some things are obligations, like taking care of our pets and doing the dishes.

[00:09:01] [SPEAKER_00]: But other things, maybe they're just society's expectations that we've internalized.

[00:09:07] [SPEAKER_00]: Like for me personally, I used to think I should upgrade my car since it's from 2012.

[00:09:13] [SPEAKER_00]: But when I really thought about it, I realized I actually don't want or need to.

[00:09:18] [SPEAKER_00]: It's still running pretty well and serves its purpose perfectly.

[00:09:21] [SPEAKER_00]: So maybe this week we can try to catch ourselves when we use the word should and really think about what's behind it.

[00:09:27] [SPEAKER_00]: Is it something we actually want to do?

[00:09:30] [SPEAKER_00]: Is it an obligation?

[00:09:31] [SPEAKER_00]: Or is it just some expectation we've picked up along the way?

[00:09:36] [SPEAKER_00]: Let me know if you try it out and how it goes.

[00:09:38] [SPEAKER_00]: You can always get in touch through our website, oldpodcast.com.

[00:09:42] [SPEAKER_00]: Thank you as always for continuing to listen.

[00:09:45] [SPEAKER_00]: Hope you have a wonderful rest of your day.

[00:09:46] [SPEAKER_00]: And I'll be back tomorrow where your optimal life awaits.

[00:09:51] Thanks you very much.

[00:09:51] I'm excited.

[00:09:51] You'reいた.

[00:09:51] You're ready.