3453: The Fear of Being Alone by Leo Babauta of ZenHabits on Self-Sufficiency and Emotional Independence

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[00:00:30] This is Optimal Living Daily – The Fear of Being Alone by Leo Babauta of ZenHabits.net. And I'm your narrator Justin Malik. I read to you every day of the year from the best articles and blogs I can find to help both you and me have a bit more pep in our step today. This is all with permission from the authors, of course. So with that, let's get right to it as we optimize your life.

[00:00:53] The Fear of Being Alone by Leo Babauta of ZenHabits.net.

[00:01:04] A surprising number of people fear being alone, maybe just about all of us do to some extent. We fear being without a partner or friends and family. We fear traveling alone in strange places, lost without anyone to ask for help. We fear taking on life without help, for fear of failure. This is natural, this fear of being alone.

[00:01:26] We've all felt it deep within us, though we try desperately to avoid this fear. And this is the cause of our misery. To avoid this fear of being alone, we will socialize endlessly, including on social networks and email.

[00:01:40] To avoid being alone, we'll end up with someone who isn't really good for us, just to have someone to cling to, someone to rely on.

[00:01:48] We'll eat junk food or shop to comfort ourselves because these things are replacements for love.

[00:01:55] But here's the secret. Being alone is empowering. The quiet of being alone is joyful.

[00:02:03] We tend to see aloneness as bleak, depressing, and scary. But it can be seen as freeing, as an opportunity for growth, and an opportunity to get to know yourself.

[00:02:14] This is something I've been learning the hard way. I had the fear of aloneness for many years, but learning emotional self-sufficiency is one of the best things I've done.

[00:02:23] Sit quietly for a minute now and turn inward. Who are you? What are you capable of? What do you think about?

[00:02:32] Can you accept yourself when you look closely at yourself? Can you see the beauty in yourself as you learn something new, as you contemplate life?

[00:02:42] This is nothing to fear, but to celebrate. Aloneness is beauty. Traveling through life alone.

[00:02:51] But isn't it scary to travel the world alone? To go through life alone if you feel unprepared?

[00:02:57] Yes, it can be scary. But that's the reason to learn to do it.

[00:03:03] Don't know how to find your way in a strange city? Start with the place you live. Get lost and find your way back.

[00:03:10] Learn to use Google Maps and learn to find visual landmarks.

[00:03:14] Now branch out into nearby cities. Now take a trip armed with your new skills.

[00:03:19] Ask for directions. Learn to be okay with getting lost.

[00:03:24] Don't know how to pay bills and manage your life?

[00:03:26] Start with one bill. Teach yourself life management skills one at a time.

[00:03:32] Become self-sufficient. It's better to learn to stand on your own two feet than to have to rely on someone else.

[00:03:39] If you can be self-sufficient, then relying on someone else is an act of strength, not of weakness.

[00:03:45] Don't know how to protect yourself? Learn to avoid bad situations.

[00:03:50] Learn to be aware of your surroundings.

[00:03:52] Learn how to get away.

[00:03:54] Learn how to defend yourself, at least enough to call for help.

[00:03:58] You'll feel more confident in going places alone.

[00:04:01] Traveling through life alone is a learning process, but you become stronger as you go.

[00:04:07] It's like a child who can't find his way home alone.

[00:04:10] Doing it the first time is scary, but he's safer and better off having learned the way.

[00:04:16] Relationships and aloneness

[00:04:19] Does learning to be okay with being alone mean you can't be in a relationship?

[00:04:23] Not at all, but if you aren't okay with being alone,

[00:04:26] then being in a relationship is going to be fundamentally flawed.

[00:04:30] Why?

[00:04:30] Because you become dependent.

[00:04:33] You need the other person not only to pay bills and help you manage,

[00:04:37] not only to protect you and provide for you, but for emotional needs.

[00:04:41] You need the other person to pay attention to you

[00:04:44] and to give you validation and comfort and love.

[00:04:48] Now, all of those things are nice,

[00:04:50] but needing someone else for them means you become needy and desperate.

[00:04:55] Those aren't attractive qualities.

[00:04:57] Who wants to be in a relationship with a needy, desperate person?

[00:05:00] Much more attractive is confidence and self-sufficiency and strength.

[00:05:06] So learn to be okay with being alone.

[00:05:09] Learn to provide for all of your emotional needs.

[00:05:13] Learn that you are okay just as you are without anyone else to complete you.

[00:05:19] What if you're already in a relationship?

[00:05:21] This is what I've been dealing with myself.

[00:05:23] It's still doable.

[00:05:25] It means noticing when you're being needy and backing off.

[00:05:28] Taking care of your needs yourself.

[00:05:31] This is a slow process, but it works.

[00:05:34] Once you've got that down, you're in a much better place to be in a relationship.

[00:05:39] You're now two whole people coming together for the benefit of the both of you.

[00:05:45] The joy of being alone.

[00:05:48] Aloneness can be a scary thing, but it can also be a joyful thing.

[00:05:52] You can celebrate the times when you're alone.

[00:05:56] Get to know yourself.

[00:05:57] Do things that rely on very little.

[00:05:59] Reading a good book.

[00:06:01] Writing.

[00:06:02] Playing music.

[00:06:03] Dancing alone.

[00:06:04] Sketching.

[00:06:05] Learning a new skill.

[00:06:07] Going for hikes.

[00:06:08] Discovering the world without needing to instantly share it online.

[00:06:12] Be alone and be happy with yourself.

[00:06:16] You deserve it.

[00:06:21] You just listened to the post titled,

[00:06:23] The Fear of Being Alone by Leo Babauta of zenhabits.net.

[00:06:27] I'll be right back with my commentary.

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[00:08:37] Thank you to Leo.

[00:08:39] I think the first time I traveled alone was when I went to a meditation retreat up in the Rocky Mountains.

[00:08:45] I actually went twice.

[00:08:46] The first time was traveling alone, but then once I got there, it was a college class,

[00:08:51] and I was familiar with the professor.

[00:08:54] The second time, I was also traveling alone, but when I got there, I didn't know anyone.

[00:08:59] And even though there were other people there, we spent a lot of time in silence just being with ourselves.

[00:09:05] At first, it was uncomfortable.

[00:09:08] But then something interesting happened.

[00:09:10] I started to actually enjoy that quiet time.

[00:09:13] The part about learning to do things alone, step by step, really makes sense too.

[00:09:18] It reminds me of when I was learning to edit this podcast.

[00:09:21] I started small, learned one thing at a time, and then gradually built up my skills.

[00:09:26] Now it's second nature, but it definitely didn't start that way.

[00:09:30] It took many, many steps to get to where I am today.

[00:09:34] So if you're someone who struggles with being alone, maybe try taking some baby steps,

[00:09:40] even just sitting quietly for a few minutes without reaching for your phone.

[00:09:43] And it will probably be uncomfortable at first, but like Leo says, that's exactly why it's worth doing.

[00:09:51] And with that, thank you for being here and listening every day.

[00:09:53] Have a great rest of your day.

[00:09:55] And I'll see you tomorrow where your optimal life awaits.