3481: How to Find Belonging (Either Beautifully or Violently) by Dr. Kelly Flanagan on Finding True Connection

[00:00:00] [SPEAKER_01] Before we start, please check out our new podcast, Good Sleep. Have you ever noticed how a calm mind can really set the stage for a good night's sleep? That's the idea behind our new podcast, Good Sleep. Greg, our host from Optimal Relationships Daily, is here to help ease you into a peaceful night's rest with some positive affirmations. And these affirmations aren't just comforting, they can help ease anxiety and nurture positive thoughts, setting you up for true good sleep.

[00:00:25] [SPEAKER_01] So press play on Good Sleep tonight because a good tomorrow starts with a good night's sleep. Just search for Good Sleep in your podcast app and be sure to pick the one from Optimal Living Daily. This is Optimal Living Daily, How to Find Belonging Either Beautifully or Violently by Dr. Kelly Flanagan of DrKelleyFlanagan.com and I'm Justin Malik.

[00:00:50] [SPEAKER_01] Welcome back to a Sunday bonus episode where I give you a little bit of extra content from a podcast in our network to think we'll also help you live a life that's a bit more happier and meaningful. And today's episode comes from Optimal Relationships Daily. So here's Greg with another post as we optimize your life.

[00:01:12] [SPEAKER_02] How to Find Belonging Either Beautifully or Violently by Dr. Kelly Flanagan of DrKelleyFlanagan.com We're watching security footage. The image shows a parking lot sprawled out in front of our car. Several dots in the distance gradually materialize into three kids walking toward the camera. As they draw closer, their age becomes clear. They're in the no man's land of identity that is late middle school or early high school.

[00:01:40] [SPEAKER_02] As they approach our car, talking and laughing, one kid points at our front bumper, walks towards it, and gives it a vicious kick before they walk on and pass out of camera view. My wife, forgetting for a moment what it was like to be that age, asks rhetorically, Why would a kid do something like that? My daughter, who is just a little younger than those boys and keenly aware of what it's like to be a tweenager, is standing behind us.

[00:02:06] [SPEAKER_02] Over my shoulder, I can hear her whispered response to my wife's question. Because he thinks his friends will like him more. The whole scene was about belonging. It's always about belonging, Mom. Everything is belonging, Dad. From the mouths of babes, or tweenagers at least. It's a quaint story when it's about a group of kids in an almost empty parking lot off in one quiet corner of civilization.

[00:02:32] [SPEAKER_02] It becomes a potentially life-changing story when you realize we've all still got a tweenager inside of us who's wondering if we'll belong, and looking for ways to ensure we don't end up alone. Who do you become in order to attract companionship? What do you do in order to keep your companionship? Which so-called cars are you willing to kick in order to increase the odds you end up unlonely? There's no shame in admitting it.

[00:02:58] [SPEAKER_02] I'd like to say I'm comfortable enough in my own skin to not resort to such cheap tricks. But, in the right moment, with the wrong people and a particularly uncertain sense of myself, who knows what I'm capable of? Around the time of the parking lot vandal, our family attended a conference for families. The keynote speaker was a young man named Nick Santanastasso. Nick was born with Hanhart syndrome, a rare condition that left him with no legs, one arm, and a single finger.

[00:03:26] [SPEAKER_02] That day, Nick told one story in particular that the tweenager in me will never forget. Apologies to Nick if my recollection has morphed into something truer to my needs than to his story. Nick was booked on one of those airlines where passengers get to choose their own seats. As a person with a disability, he was invited to board first, and he chose a prime seat right in front of the plane. The flight attendant warned him, These are good seats and we have a full flight.

[00:03:52] [SPEAKER_02] You're going to have company right away, so get yourself situated as soon as you can. Soon, the other passengers began boarding. Every one of them looked at him, bypassed the prime seats next to him, and chose a lesser seat in the back of the plane. Nick turned to look out the window. Not because there was something to see out there, but because he didn't want his fellow passengers to see him crying. Feelings of ugliness and loneliness and unworthiness flowed from his tear ducts.

[00:04:20] [SPEAKER_02] Until, from somewhere deep within him, he heard a voice. This is what it said. Nick, your body isn't working against you. It's working for you. It's screening out the people you don't want in your life. There are at least two very different ways to find the people you belong to. The first way is the way of a parking lot vandal, and sadly, most of our social media these days. It's to kick all the metaphorical cars around you.

[00:04:48] [SPEAKER_02] To be angry and aggressive and violent and damaging and rejecting. And to hope those who are walking with you through the parking lot of life will like you a little bit more for all of your strength and ego. The other way is to show up as you actually are. With all your countless imperfections and inabilities and insecurities, just laid bare, vulnerable and alone. And to allow the rejecting of you to become the thing that purifies your circles of belonging. This takes a lot of faith.

[00:05:17] [SPEAKER_02] In yourself and your worthiness. In others and their goodness. In existence and its justice. After all, it wouldn't be vulnerability if it didn't require a little more faith than you've got. But in the end, that's the beauty of it. It produces twice the rewards. As your sense of belonging grows, your faith in everything else does too. You just listened to the post titled How to find belonging, either beautifully or violently.

[00:05:47] [SPEAKER_02] By Dr. Kelly Flanagan of drkellyflanagan.com

[00:05:51] [SPEAKER_00] Überlass deine gesunde Ernährung und die Gains nicht nur deinem Bauchgefühl. Denn bei der Ernährung gaukelt uns unser innerer Schweinehund manchmal ganz schön was vor. Sag stattdessen Hallo zu deinem neuen Coach. Yasio Yasio ist die meistgenutzte Ernährungs-App Europas. Made in Germany. Egal ob Massephase oder ein bisschen Abnehmen. Tracke Kalorien, Proteine, Carbs, Fette, Bewegung und Intervallfasten. Und mit den Tasty-Rezepten bist du ready für deine Ziele. Let's go!

[00:06:18] [SPEAKER_00] Lade die Yasio-App jetzt herunter!

[00:06:21] [SPEAKER_02] And a wonderful post from Dr. Kelly with a really clear and exemplary story that he shared as well on behalf of Nick. However, while I really love this article, I do think that the search for belonging can fall somewhere in between the parameters that Dr. Kelly is focused on. And for me, that in between can be, or at least one version of that in between, can be showing yourself as you are and not hiding anything or putting on an act.

[00:06:47] [SPEAKER_02] Yet, not being willing to recognize, if a lack of belonging comes from that, that the behavior you're engaging in may be disrespectful. So while it's great to do what Nick is doing, being brave and not editing yourself, there can still be times in which changing your behavior isn't necessarily rooted in trying to fit in, but rather it's rooted in the realization that maybe the you that you're showing the

[00:07:12] [SPEAKER_02] world so organically isn't necessarily doing right by others and respecting others and listening to others, etc. So sometimes cultivating that sense of belonging can require an adjustment of self, but in a way that's for the best interest of everyone, not just highlighted by selfishness. Okay. And that's going to bring us to the end of this one, everyone. As always, I thank you for being here and listening all the way through. Have a great rest of your day. And I look forward to talking with you again tomorrow.

[00:07:41] [SPEAKER_02] That's where your optimal life awaits.