3495: On Self-Compassion by Tonya Lester

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[00:00:29] [SPEAKER_00] Before we start, please check out our new podcast, Good Sleep. Have you ever noticed how a calm mind can really set the stage for a good night's sleep? That's the idea behind our new podcast, Good Sleep. Greg, our host from Optimal Relationships Daily, is here to help ease you into a peaceful night's rest with some positive affirmations. And these affirmations aren't just comforting, they can help ease anxiety and nurture positive thoughts, setting you up for true good sleep.

[00:00:55] [SPEAKER_00] So press play on Good Sleep tonight, because a good tomorrow starts with a good night's sleep. Just search for Good Sleep in your podcast app and be sure to pick the one from Optimal Living Daily. This is Optimal Living Daily on Self-Compassion by Tony Lester of TonyLester.com. And I'm Justin Malek.

[00:01:17] [SPEAKER_00] Happy Friday, this is the award-winning podcast where I read articles to you, hopefully adding a little bit of inspiration, motivation or happiness to your day. This is all with permission from the websites, by the way. But I'm going to keep this intro nice and short, so let's get right to it as we optimize your life. On Self-Compassion by Tony Lester of TonyLester.com.

[00:01:43] [SPEAKER_00] One very snowy January day a few years ago, my kids and I arrived home with a three-year-old rescue cat. As instructed, we brought him into the bathroom before we opened up the cardboard carrier we'd been given to bring him home from the shelter. The idea was to let him get used to us and our home slowly, without overwhelming him by dropping him into the middle of the living room surrounded by new things and new people. The cat jumped out of the carrier and crawled underneath the small bathroom vanity.

[00:02:13] [SPEAKER_00] He then climbed into the bottom drawer on top of the bath towels, which he could access from behind the sink. And he stayed right there for weeks. During those weeks, we would all take turns sitting in the tiny bathroom, back against the tub, legs squished between the vanity and the toilet, and talk to the cat, pet the cat, just be with the cat. We were hoping that once he was used to us, he'd relax and come out of the bathroom.

[00:02:42] [SPEAKER_00] My son would sit in the bathroom with a book, reading and absentmindedly stroking the cat. My daughter would bring in her little figurines and make up stories for the cat on the edge of the bathtub. I'd even come home to see my cat-resistant husband's legs stretched out from the bathroom into the hallway and hear him consoling this terrified creature. We didn't yell at the cat for his fear. We didn't despair that the cat would never be integrated into our household, although we were a little worried.

[00:03:10] [SPEAKER_00] Nor did we promise the cat that if he just came out of the drawer, everything would be wonderful. We just offered him, through our presence, compassion. Many of us have had the experience of comforting a dog during a thunderstorm or a small child startled by a fireworks display. We intuitively know how to do this. Stay with the child, connect physically in a way that is comforting, and speak reassuringly.

[00:03:36] [SPEAKER_00] As adults, we have a lot of reluctance offering this type of kindness to ourselves. We instead, judge ourselves for being upset and berate ourselves for how we're feeling. Or we might deny that we need to be comforted and instead distract ourselves, maybe turning to our phones. When new parents are worried that their babies will never fall asleep by themselves, pediatricians talk about the need for the baby to learn to self-soothe.

[00:04:03] [SPEAKER_00] Many adults need to learn to self-soothe too. When I suggest to clients, they extend themselves compassion and presence instead of vitriol and denial. There's a lot of resistance. Mainly they worry that being self-compassionate somehow lets oneself off the hook and leads to mediocrity and more mistakes. It's deeply ingrained in our culture that beating ourselves up emotionally leads to high performance and great results. There's zero evidence that this is true.

[00:04:33] [SPEAKER_00] I'd argue that we succeed in spite of this abuse, not because of it. And that you can be self-compassionate and still have high standards. More to the point, how do you want to go through your life with your most vicious critic living in your head? Having self-compassion does not mean shirking responsibilities or lowering your standards. It's about slowing down and attending to yourself before you move on to necessary action, which might be the hard stuff.

[00:05:00] [SPEAKER_00] An apology, starting a project over, or standing up for yourself. Next time you're struggling, try first comforting yourself with the following exercise. Put your hand on your chest and breathe into your hand until you feel your body start to calm. Say something to yourself that is kind and simple, like, you're okay. Or, this is so painful, but you can make it through. Repeat this as long as it feels right to you.

[00:05:29] [SPEAKER_00] Ask yourself, what might help me right now? 99% of the time, reaching out to a loved one does help. Other reliable helpers are fresh air, exercise, lying down for 20 minutes, or even taking on some tiny, manageable, organizational, or cleaning task. Remember, you're not yet trying to solve the problem. You're still attending to yourself. Sadly, the cat never came out of the bathroom drawer. Just kidding.

[00:05:57] [SPEAKER_00] After about three weeks, he tentatively ventured out into the living room and has been fully in the mix of our lives ever since. Now he soothes us. You just listened to the post titled, On Self Compassion by Tonya Lester of TonyaLester.com. I'll be right back with my commentary. Looking for a snack that works as hard as you do? Wonderful Pistachios is one of the highest protein nuts.

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[00:07:21] [SPEAKER_01] Thank you. Thank you.

[00:07:50] [SPEAKER_00] Yasio App jetzt herunter. Thank you to Tonya. I happen to be a cat person myself and have had a couple of cats over the years, well decades really, and two in particular were definitely like the one she described in this article. Very hesitant to go outside their comfort zone, but eventually came around. A lot of time was spent trying to encourage them or comfort them. I mean it was time well spent I think. And I think it's true, we often don't give ourselves that same

[00:08:19] [SPEAKER_00] comfort and acceptance. We can be really hard on ourselves. But like Tonya says, that kind of self-criticism doesn't actually help us perform better most likely. I think it's true even with things like exercise. We might think being hard on ourselves will motivate us to get healthier, but actually self-compassion tends to lead to better results. That exercise is worth trying, putting your hand on your chest and breathing. Such a small thing, but I've found that these kinds of

[00:08:47] [SPEAKER_00] gentle practices can make a big difference in how we treat ourselves during tough times. So maybe today we can try to be a little kinder to ourselves, to treat ourselves with the same patience and understanding we'd offer to a scared cat or a frightened child. With that, thank you for being here with me every day and for telling others about this show. That's the greatest thing you can do to help out. It means a lot. So thank you again. I'll be back tomorrow as usual. Where your optimal life awaits.