3528: What’s The Difference Between Self-Centeredness, Selfishness and Self-Awareness? by Dr. Margaret Rutherford

[00:00:00] This is Optimal Living Daily. What's the difference between Self-Centeredness, Selfishness and Self-Awareness by Dr. Margaret Rutherford of DrMargaretRutherford.com. And I'm Justin Malik, your very own personal narrator. I read to you every single day of the year so that you don't have to go find articles or blogs yourself, only in an effort to make your and my days just a little bit better. So with that, let's get right to it and continue optimizing your life.

[00:00:31] What's the difference between Self-Centeredness, Selfishness and Self-Awareness by Dr. Margaret Rutherford of DrMargaretRutherford.com. Thoughts around what it means to be selfish, self-centered or self-aware can be muddled and even feel contradictory at times. Do you believe if you ask for something you want, you're being selfish? Or if you say no to a request, you're being self-centered?

[00:00:57] Do you know what it means to be self-aware? Perhaps you're not familiar with these terms or how different they are from one another. First, let's take self-centeredness. A self-centered person might say, Oh, I'm so sorry your mom has cancer. I'm sure you'll be taking her for treatments. So does that mean that you won't be able to keep carpooling? Or it might sound like this, Wow, congratulations. I'm so happy you're going to have a baby. It took us four years and so much money for infertility treatment.

[00:01:26] I wouldn't know what it feels like to do it all naturally. A self-centered person grabs the focus and places it on themselves without even realizing it. You're left wondering why you even bothered to talk to them in the first place. Or you might absorb a kind of strange feeling shame for sharing, as if your struggles or your joys don't matter. The difference between being self-centered and being selfish. Then there's pure selfishness.

[00:01:54] Selfishness is putting your own needs or desires in front of someone else's most of or all of the time. It's not an admirable trait and can make creating healthy relationships almost impossible. Yet being selfish has been targeted as such a huge personality or even character flaw that you may do everything you can not to appear selfish. So you don't speak your truth or your values, your wants or desires. Others around you can become so accustomed to your silence

[00:02:23] that they may either stop asking what you want or think or manipulate the reality that you don't, whether that manipulation is conscious or unconscious. Yet you can also label your silence, your lack of stating who you are and what you like, as humility, all the while growing more resentful. Oh, I don't care what we do. If that's your generic response rather than what's true for you in that moment, it can breed resentment which others will sense

[00:02:52] and perhaps label you as being passive-aggressive. How is self-awareness different? Being self-aware is a very different choice. My definition is simple. You keep in mind your own needs or wants and treat them with as much consideration as you treat the wants and needs of others. You know how you feel. You recognize what would be preferable to you, yet your needs don't always rise to the top of the needs and wants and time available,

[00:03:21] let's say, as you plan your family's weekend. But they do sometimes, just like you put the wants and needs of others ahead of yours. We had a vacation mantra that we went by in my family. It's everybody's vacation. So we'd all say what meant the most to us to experience, both as individuals and as a family, and we planned as best we could to make that happen. Is this confusion a part of perfectly hidden depression? If you struggle with perfectly hidden depression,

[00:03:49] you may not know the difference between selfishness and self-awareness. You might not have been taught or treated as if your childhood needs and wants were even significant. The following might be along the lines of what you heard or absorbed. You need to call and tell your friends your birthday party is off. Mommy's tired. Nobody asked you for your opinion. Keep your thoughts to yourself. You know your father loses his temper when you eat snacks from the pantry. He might want them later for himself.

[00:04:19] This often occurs in families where there's abuse or neglect, where parents have a rigid, authoritarian style of parenting, or where secret addictions were present. You were consistently given subtle and not-so-subtle messages that if you wanted or needed something, it didn't matter. You learned that your needs came after others. And you continue that belief into adulthood. Yet, you're just as important as everyone else.

[00:04:47] Three things you can do to try self-awareness on for size. So what can you do if you struggle with these distinctions? Number one, confront your own selfish label. Ask yourself this. Would you tell someone else that they were being selfish if they took a walk instead of doing laundry? If the answer is, well, yes, the laundry is something that's got to be done, well, you're not wrong. But if I added the word always to that question, how would you feel?

[00:05:15] You should always do the laundry instead of taking a walk. Well, hopefully you'd say no. And if your rules are different for you than for others, you can begin to see and laugh at the irrationality of your thinking. Number two, understand that being self-aware can increase the likelihood of vulnerability. When you turn your attention on yourself, either through calm thought and meditation, or through paying attention and even nurturing yourself, pain can emerge.

[00:05:44] You're giving yourself the message that you're important, a message that maybe you never or rarely received. And you might not be accustomed to feeling vulnerable or sad or angry. And number three, risk doing something at least once a week that's just for you. It could be a small thing like taking a few minutes to sit down and read, drive out in the country, or call a friend. You could even give a gift to yourself.

[00:06:11] It doesn't have to be big to make a big difference. It may feel awkward at first to do things like this for yourself, but it's so worth it. Because you're worth it. You just listened to the post titled, What's the Difference Between Self-Centeredness, Selfishness, and Self-Awareness? By Dr. Margaret Rutherford of DrMargaretRutherford.com. And I'll be right back with my commentary. Thank you to Dr. Margaret.

[00:06:41] This one definitely hit home for me in different ways. That part about how we might stay silent about our own needs and label it as humility, that really resonated with me. I can definitely think of times in my own life where I've said, Nah, I don't care what we do. When actually I did have some kind of preference, but didn't want to seem selfish and simply thought others had stronger opinions.

[00:07:09] I wanted to make them comfortable or happy. And then of course, that little seed of resentment can grow. It's really easy to pour everything into work and other people and then wonder why we're feeling burnt out or resentful. Finding that balance between caring for others and caring for ourselves is tricky, but definitely important. I love that family vacation mantra she mentioned. It's everybody's vacation. That's such a great way to frame it.

[00:07:39] Acknowledging that everyone's needs and wants matter, including our own. I'm going to make an effort to think about that next time. Hopefully you can too. But I'll leave it there for today. Have a great weekend. Thank you for being here and I'll see you tomorrow, where your optimal life awaits.