3549: I Hope You Feel Small: The Surprising Upside of Unselfing by Rachel Macy Stafford of Hands Free Mama

[00:00:00] This is Optimal Living Daily. I Hope You Feel Small, The Surprising Upside of Unselfing by Rachel Macy Stafford of HandsFreeMama.com And I'm Justin Malik reading to you every day covering happiness, productivity, self-help, minimalism, and more. So with that, let's get right to it and start optimizing your life.

[00:00:24] I Hope You Feel Small, The Surprising Upside of Unselfing by Rachel Macy Stafford of HandsFreeMama.com Exactly one year ago, I came across a greeting card that struck me in a way no card ever has. There was no text, just a colorful, hand-drawn sketch of a square house with a chimney.

[00:00:45] The house was nestled on a hilltop that could be reached by a long, winding drive. A hot air balloon happily drifted in the blue sky over a trio of hills. I immediately bought the card and displayed it on my kitchen counter, hoping the reason I was drawn to it would become clear. A few days later, the significance hit me like a ton of bricks. The picture reminded me of my Aunt Jane and Uncle Steve's house in Northern Indiana, where I'd spent a week every summer throughout my childhood.

[00:01:15] As much as I hated to part with the card, I knew I needed to send it to my Aunt and Uncle, now in their 80s, still living in that very same house. This card reminded me of your long driveway, I wrote inside the card. Every time we pulled into the driveway leading up to your house, my heart raced with excitement and happiness. I couldn't reach your house fast enough. The summer visits at your house are among my best childhood memories. Your house was a safe haven to me.

[00:01:45] Despite mailing the card, I continued to think about the picture and how it affected me. Thoughts turned into strong feelings. I couldn't ignore the persistent nudge I felt to actually go there. It had been 20-some years since I'd visited my Aunt and Uncle's house and I was certain I needed to return. Because my Aunt and Uncle live in the state where I spent most of my childhood and young adult years, my publisher accepted my pitch to make Indianapolis a stop on my Soul Shift spring book tour.

[00:02:15] I invited my 82-year-old mom to join me on that leg of the tour. Between two book signing events, my mom and I drove several hours north to reach my aunt and uncle's home. Seeing my mom and her sister together after a long separation was incredibly moving. I don't think I'll ever forget how my aunt took one look at her big sister and burst into tears. You look so much like mom, Aunt Jane cried.

[00:02:40] As they settled in the front room to catch up, I knew I needed to walk the long driveway. My cousin Delpho went with me, which was good because suddenly I had a lot of questions. As my brain flooded with memories, I began interrogating my poor cousin. Is this where Uncle Steve kept the bees? Wasn't there a swing on this tree? Didn't there used to be a large drop-off from the porch to the ground below? Why do I remember standing in corn stalks?

[00:03:08] How many green beans do you think we snapped under that tree? Wasn't there a clothesline here where we hung clean laundry to dry? Look inside there, Delpho said, pointing to a dilapidated metal pole buried inside an overgrown bush. That's what's left of the clothesline, she laughed. I never thought of myself as having a good memory as a child, but going back to this beloved place and recalling these details made me see myself in a new light. Perhaps I was more perceptive than I thought.

[00:03:38] Several decades had passed, yet I could still hear the buzzing of the honeybees. I could feel my soul's ache as I jumped off the porch playing hide-and-seek. I could smell the scent of laundry detergent my aunt used and feel the wooden clothespins in my hands. At last, we came to the majestic oak tree in the backyard where many a beans were snapped beneath its shade. The tree was ginormous now. I looked out into the cornfield behind their house.

[00:04:06] Just as I remembered, not another house in sight, only vast fields and endless sky. I felt my breath steady. I felt the tension release. I felt a sense of awe, just like I did as a kid. I always hated those summer visits to come to an end, but I never cried when it was time to go back home. I distinctly remember feeling stronger, braver than when I arrived. I'd always thought it was because I'd successfully managed without my parents and

[00:04:35] participated in adult-like jobs, but now I know it was something even more. At my aunt's house, I experienced unselfing, which is the process of turning one's attention outward, away from oneself, and on to the world. Irish philosopher and novelist Iris Murdoch coined the term and taught of its benefits. Murdoch argued that if we unself successfully, we experience a change of consciousness that allows us to, quote,

[00:05:02] step outside ourselves and recognize there are infinitely many kinds of beautiful lives, end quote. Experiencing this radical perspective shift enables us to see things as they really are and not through a lens which is clouded by our own desires and concerns. Murdoch discovered that unselfing is readily experienced when we're in communion with nature. There it was, the reason time spent at my aunt's house left me feeling so empowered.

[00:05:31] At home, I tended to make myself the center of my own universe, so naturally everything felt big and overwhelming. But at my aunt's house, I was immersed in the beauty of nature using all of my senses. There I was able to zoom out and see my life from a wider perspective. In other words, feeling small made me feel bigger than the issues I knew would be waiting for me back home. As summer 2023 draws to a close and fall ramps up,

[00:06:01] I find myself thinking about that greeting card I came across last August. I'm so grateful I listened to that little voice inside me that said, take this with you. This is important. Find out why. I trusted my heart and allowed that picture to lead me, and by doing so, I made life-changing connections and discoveries. So much of what I experienced during that visit to Indiana surprised me. But what surprised me the most was that the road to my aunt's house was not as long as I remember.

[00:06:30] I think that may be the greatest lesson I take away, and that is this. Experiences that refresh our energies, calm our anxieties, and nurture our well-being are more accessible than we might think. Right outside our door is the opportunity to wander, be curious, and connect to the everyday beauty around us. My friend, the next time life has you feeling overwhelmed and defeated, dial up the awe to turn down the mental chatter,

[00:06:58] zoom out to see beyond where you're stuck, immerse yourself in nature, and be reminded that you are part of something grand and enduring. You, my friend, are stronger than you know. You just listened to the post titled, I Hope You Feel Small, The Surprising Upside of Unselfing, by Rachel Macy Stafford of HandsFreeMama.com. And I'll be right back with my commentary.

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[00:08:25] Visit WonderfulPistachios.com to learn more. Thank you to Rachel. Really great story in post. It can be really powerful, revisiting places from our childhood, something I haven't done in quite some time, so it's nice to have that reminder. The sights, smells, and sounds really help to get those memories flooding back. We can feel more vivid than things that just happened last week. And I always appreciate the idea of turning our attention outwards. This is a personal development

[00:08:54] or mental health-style show, so you'd think it's all about turning inward, investigating ourselves, and working on ourselves. But personally, the more I get caught up in my own thoughts and my own problems, my own day-to-day life, the more it feels overwhelming and bigger than it actually is, like she talked about. Zooming out and seeing how others are living, helping others, that really seems to help myself. It's funny how that works.

[00:09:23] Sure, our problems are very real, but they aren't the universe. And when we stop to take a look at how big the universe is, we can really put things in perspective. And to quote her, experiences that refresh our energies, calm our anxieties, and nurture our well-being are more accessible than we might think. Right outside our door is the opportunity to wander, be curious, and connect to the everyday beauty around us. Something to remember. Good reminder for today.

[00:09:53] Thank you again to Rachel for this one, and thank you for being here. And if you've ever shared this show with someone, it helps a lot to keep this going. Have a great rest of your day, and I'll see you tomorrow as usual, where your optimal life awaits.