3997: Sneaky Satisfaction of Complaining by Ellen Burgan of If It Brings You Joy on Breaking Complaint Habits

[00:00:00] Before we start, I want to share a super powerful practice I use called NSDR or Non-Sleep Deep Rest. In just about 10 minutes or so, this Yoga Nidra practice leaves you feeling as refreshed as after a nap without actually sleeping. Experience it for yourself on our guided podcast. Search NSDR and look for the one from Optimal Living Daily.

[00:00:22] This is Optimal Living Daily, Sneaky Satisfaction of Complaining and How to Calm the Habit by Ellen Burgan of IfItBringsYouJoy.com and I'm Justin Malek. We're going to get right to it today and start optimizing your life. Sneaky Satisfaction of Complaining and How to Calm the Habit by Ellen Burgan of IfItBringsYouJoy.com.

[00:00:50] At one time or another, we've all been in a complaining session. Sometimes it just feels good to let off steam and complain with others who feel the same way. And as each person throws more on the complaint pile, we feel more and more justified in how we feel slighted, frustrated, and even like a victim. Why do people complain? Complaining is a fairly common thing to do, so what makes complaining so enticing?

[00:01:16] A group complaining session can give us a sense of community and make us feel more connected to others with our similar gripes. Complaining can make us feel justified in how we feel. The more we complain and the more others agree, the more we feel validated about our opinions of the situation. And complaining can provide motivation. If I silently complain to myself about how overweight I am, it can motivate me to go to the gym.

[00:01:43] Unfortunately, those benefits are very short-lived and often end up making us feel worse afterward. It can lead to beating ourselves up with behaviors such as negative self-talk. Four reasons to stop complaining. As a certified fearless living coach, I can tell you that as innocent as complaining might feel, it is a bad habit that can steer you off of your personal growth journey.

[00:02:08] Number one, complaining keeps us stuck in the problem rather than finding a solution. The focus is about everything that's wrong in the situation, and it's a slippery slope into making the problem even bigger in our minds. Number two, complaining allows us to easily blame others about our problem rather than taking responsibility. We convince ourselves that it's not our fault. For example, if she would just stop nitpicking my work and mind her own business, everything would be fine.

[00:02:39] Number three, complaining drains our energy. It keeps a stressful, undesired situation very alive in our thoughts. Being on a hamster wheel of thinking, thinking, thinking about things that are wrong can be emotionally exhausting and steal our joy. And number four, as the saying goes, where your focus goes, energy flows. Think about all the things that are wrong in a situation, and you'll likely find more wrong things.

[00:03:07] Focus on what's good in a situation, and you'll find more good. Step one in overcoming the habit of complaining. Awareness is key. If you're not aware that you're complaining, silently or out loud, then you can't do anything about it. To grow awareness, keep a journal of your complaints for one week to see if there are any themes to your complaints. Do you complain more in your personal or business life?

[00:03:33] Do you complain more about your habits and skills and decisions, or more about other people? Do you complain more about people or situations? Three strategies to complain less. Once you're aware, be on the lookout for any complaints. As soon as you become aware, stop by using the following strategies. The goal is to complain less often and less severely. Number one, reframe to gratitude.

[00:04:02] Gratitude has you look at a situation and ask what is working. Replacing complaining with gratitude really changes your perspective of just about everything. In crazy traffic? I'm grateful I have extra time to chill and listen to music. Hate your job? I'm grateful for my friendly co-workers who make me laugh. Washing machine repair bill? I'm grateful for how quickly the repair person arrived today. I know this sounds too easy to be true, yet I know because I've done the work and

[00:04:32] gratitude has literally changed me at the core. I'm so much better at finding the good in what isn't an optimal situation and letting the things out of my control roll off my back. However, it takes practice to grow the habit of gratitude. When we practice gratitude, we take responsibility for our life and we don't blame the world. Number two, venting. If you're so triggered that gratitude seems like way too big of a leap,

[00:05:02] venting with someone about a truly upsetting situation can help. Venting is a process that honors your feelings and helps you clear your head so that you are then better able to focus on a solution. But what exactly is venting? It's when you call a venting partner and tell them everything about the situation that has you troubled. You talk and they listen without judgment, validate your feelings in the moment, and don't offer solutions at that time.

[00:05:30] At first, it might seem like venting is still complaining, but venting is more of a formal process which makes it more effective. Venting partners must be willing to be a partner and agree before venting is needed. It's important to have some ground rules. For example, set a time limit, agree to not offer advice during the venting session, and at the end, your partner can remind you that you are okay and ask you what you are committed to in the situation. A little nudge toward the solution.

[00:06:01] Then, change the subject or end the call so it doesn't move into a complaining session. Keeping feelings to yourself increases the probability that you'll act on those feelings. When frustrated and feeling like a victim, you're likely to act in a way that isn't aligned with how you want to show up. Try venting instead. And number three, journal. Write everything that is upsetting you about the situation. Write as much as you need until your feelings are not as strong.

[00:06:30] When you get it all out, you can release it by ripping it up into tiny pieces. Shift your focus to possible solutions ASAP. In summary, complaining keeps us stuck in the problem. Build your awareness of when you complain and what you complain about. With that new awareness, you can then focus on catching yourself in a complaint as fast as possible and changing your focus to possible solutions.

[00:07:01] You just listened to the post titled, Sneaky Satisfaction of Complaining and How to Calm the Habit, by Ellen Bergen of ifitbringsyoujoy.com. And I'll be right back with my commentary. I'm constantly thinking about how to optimize my health, what supplements to take, hours of sleep, what my diet should focus on. Superpower finally takes the guessing out of it. One simple lab test covers over 100 biomarkers, and their app gives you a complete picture of your heart,

[00:07:30] liver, hormones, metabolism, even environmental toxins. Plus, it used to cost $499. Right now, it's just $199. And head to superpower.com and use code OLD at checkout for an additional $20 off your membership. Thank you to Ellen. If you've been listening to this show for a while, the first step, awareness, should sound familiar. That's an ongoing theme here. And I often reference meditation as a way to improve our awareness,

[00:08:01] because meditation is that practice of catching ourselves thinking, moving on, catching ourselves thinking again, and moving on again. Doing that over and over again leads to a really good understanding of what's going on in our heads at any moment in time. And journaling is also a great tool for this, which she mentioned, so I appreciate that. But back to the heart of this article, complaining, it can sound so innocent, simply complaining about something that's irritating.

[00:08:29] But Ellen brings up some really fair points about why it can be a problem. But she also made that distinction between complaining and venting. I like to think my business partner and I have that understanding that we're going to vent for some of the time. But like Ellen mentioned, it's important to move past that and forward. You can sort of laugh about it or lighten the mood and then move on to more productive things and solutions. Because again, if we get stuck there and find no solution,

[00:08:57] the problem can just continue to get bigger. So try to be aware of that complaining. Have a great rest of your day and I'll see you tomorrow where your optimal life awaits. Bye-bye.