4057: Tell Your Story Three Times And No More by Richard Paterson of Think Less and Grow Rich on Emotional Growth

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[00:01:00] [SPEAKER_02] This is Optimal Living Daily. Tell your story three times and no more by Richard Patterson of thinklessandgrowrich.com. And I'm Justin Malik. This is our usual Sunday bonus episode where I share another podcast in the Optimal family. This episode is coming from Optimal Relationships Daily. So here's Greg with the bonus post as we optimize your life.

[00:01:24] [SPEAKER_04] Tell your story three times and no more by Richard Patterson of thinklessandgrowrich.com. There's an African proverb that goes, tell your story three times and no more. I'd like to share the story of a woman I recently spoke with who was really upset that her 25-year marriage had come to an end. Let's call her Laura.

[00:01:51] [SPEAKER_04] As we talked, Laura told me how her former husband had been a narcissist, how he only thought about himself, and how she believed the only reason he had stayed with her for so long was because it was convenient for him. She cleaned the house, cooked the meals, fed and clothed the kids, and provided an audience for the narcissistic stories he indulged in daily. She had finally had enough and found the courage to leave him. After listening to her story, I politely inquired,

[00:02:20] [SPEAKER_04] So Laura, when did you guys split up? How long ago was this? Almost eight years now, she replied. I was surprised. I was expecting her to say a few months or a year maybe, as she was still clearly suffering a lot. While it can be healthy and cathartic to talk about our struggles with a close friend, a family member, or a therapist, to let off steam, to get it off our chest,

[00:02:44] [SPEAKER_04] there comes a point where it becomes self-harming to keep playing these stories over and over in our heads, and worse still, to talk about them all the time. There is great wisdom in the proverb, tell your story three times and no more. Three times is healthy, or four times even. More than that can be harmful, especially when our sense of identity is tightly wrapped up in tragic tales from the past. We wear our stories like familiar old coats.

[00:03:12] [SPEAKER_04] The interesting thing with Laura was that, in the first couple of minutes of our weekly calls, she was always bright and bubbly, with a sparkle in her eyes and a big smile on her face. She looked happy. But the moment I asked her, So how has your week been? I could literally see her picking the story up and putting it on like an old familiar coat. Her demeanor changed. The smile was gone. And her sparkly eyes became tearful as she told me, This week has been really hard.

[00:03:42] [SPEAKER_04] I haven't been sleeping well. Maybe I could have done more to save the marriage. Etc, etc. The details aren't important. And when I then said to her, Do you see what happened there? You were all bubbly and happy until I asked you how your week had been. And then through habit, you abandoned your happiness to pick up your broken story, indulge in it, and make yourself miserable. Do you see how it was self-created? How you suffer when you choose to make the story the focus of your attention?

[00:04:11] [SPEAKER_04] Laura's case is not uncommon. How often do you tell your story, to yourself and to others? Many of us, I also did this for years, drag our old stories of hurt and regret around like familiar old coats that we wear, ready to offload them on anyone who will listen. Hint, the first step in breaking free is to consciously stop talking about them. As we feed our stories more and more through telling them to ourselves and others,

[00:04:38] [SPEAKER_04] they become an integral part of our identity, of who we believe we are. We believe that we are the sad, broken little story character, and keep our suffering alive as a result, for years in many cases. But here's the good news. Playing these broken records over and over is mostly an unconscious habit. Often, with just a little awareness, and through following a few simple tips, it's not hard to let them go. It's mostly a question of willingness.

[00:05:07] [SPEAKER_04] Ironically, it's also common for people who have been making great progress, people on the verge of a big breakthrough, to suddenly find excuses as to why they can't continue with our coaching sessions together. When people realize that letting go of the story can be as simple as making a conscious decision to do so, it can be very threatening to the ego's sense of identity. Who would I be then? Maybe I'd actually be happy. Boy, that's scary. I don't know how to do that. I'd have to take responsibility for my life.

[00:05:36] [SPEAKER_04] I wouldn't have any more excuses. There would be no one to blame for my unhappiness. And rather than embracing this new liberated state, people choose to retreat back into familiar territory. It might suck, but at least it's familiar. Being free of the mind is a step too far for many people, and that's an absolutely valid choice. I avoided it for years, and still do to some extent. Our stories are powerful.

[00:06:03] [SPEAKER_04] Until we better understand the mechanics of how the mind works and clearly see that in truth, it only has as much power as we give it. Deciding not to tell your story anymore For me, meditation was the tool that changed everything. That and having proper guidance and support. Meditation has taught me so many things. But with regards to dropping my stories, there are three particular insights that have made a world of difference. One, understanding the difference between thoughts and thinking.

[00:06:34] [SPEAKER_04] Two, understanding that without my participation, the mind loses its power. And three, understanding that who we really are is far greater than the thoughts, feelings, and emotions that pass like temporary clouds through our awareness. Understanding the difference between thoughts and thinking. Thoughts are self-arising. Thinking is a choice. Thoughts appear by themselves, and left alone, quickly pass across our awareness and fade again.

[00:07:03] [SPEAKER_04] The trouble, though, is that we don't leave them alone. We grab them, chew on them, marinate in them, and turn them into stories, which we then unconsciously get lost in. But here's the thing. You don't have to follow the thoughts. You can learn to step back and watch them, without judgment. Make the whole process conscious. See that you can choose whether to run stories, or stay present through, for example, focusing on your breath. You are in charge of where you put your attention.

[00:07:33] [SPEAKER_04] The mind only seems to have control over you, because you give it power with your attention. You are the one who is in charge of where you put your attention. If you choose to focus on your breath, or the sensations in your feet, rather than following thoughts, the mind becomes impotent. You are 100% in charge of whether you get involved with a mind story or not. You can decide to stop thinking in any moment. And without your participation, the mind is powerless. You are not your stories.

[00:08:03] [SPEAKER_04] If you practice meditation for even a short time, you come to recognize that there is a vast field of conscious awareness within you that is not touched by the temporary thoughts, feelings, and emotions that pass through it, just as the sky is not affected by the passing clouds. As you learn to step back and rest in this unchanging field of awareness within, which I call home, and watch the passing thoughts with an attitude of non-judgmental acceptance, they no longer occupy center stage in your awareness.

[00:08:32] [SPEAKER_04] From this vantage point, you can sit back and watch the whole mind circus with curiosity, how the thoughts appear by themselves, the tendency to grab onto them, weave stories out of them, and simply don't get involved. It's really simple, but not easy. You just listened to the post titled, Tell Your Story Three Times and No More, by Richard Patterson of thinklessandgrowrich.com.

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[00:10:30] [SPEAKER_04] And thanks a lot to Richard for this post, one that definitely got me thinking, but not too much as per his instructions. But really, I think this is a great post. However, it does seem to me that we need to be cognizant of how we might put it to use. So for many, especially those who have faced extreme trauma or have any kind of unrelenting thoughts and rumination, it may even feel insulting or dismissing to suggest that you can simply,

[00:11:00] [SPEAKER_04] you know, choose not to think about such things. This is also my first reaction to work like this one. However, if we go a step beyond that, I do believe there's room for these types of thoughts to coexist with Richard's guidance. While it may feel like too much to simply, you know, opt not to think about certain things, what's a bit more manageable is how we interpret these thoughts. So we can experience troubling, repetitive thoughts

[00:11:27] [SPEAKER_04] and then make the choice to simply acknowledge their existence and, you know, the emotional roller coaster that may come with them as status quo. You see, by doing this, we slowly extinguish the war that we're in with the parts of ourselves that wish these thoughts would just cease to exist. The part that ultimately doubles our struggle. And the judgment towards ourselves, the yearning to release ourselves of these thoughts starts to diminish.

[00:11:56] [SPEAKER_04] So when we observe, we allow. And when we allow, the way we process and experience our thoughts is much more graceful, giving the negative thoughts a lot less power. So I hope this post helps those in need. But for now, it is time to wrap up and say goodbye to another episode of ORD. I appreciate you all tuning in today as always. Have a great rest of your day. And I'll talk to you again tomorrow, where your optimal life awaits.