4109: How Perfectionism Perpetuates Stress by Rachael Kable on Overcoming Perfectionism

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[00:01:04] [SPEAKER_01] This is Optimal Living Daily. How Perfectionism Perpetuates Stress and What to Do About It by Rachel Cable of rachelcable.com. And I'm Justin Malik, your personal narrator. We're going to get right to our next post as we optimize your life. How Perfectionism Perpetuates Stress and What to Do About It by Rachel Cable of rachelcable.com.

[00:01:32] [SPEAKER_01] Quote, when perfectionism is driving us, shame is riding shotgun and fear is that annoying backseat driver. Brené Brown First of all, let me just say that if you're a perfectionist, I'm right here with you. I've been working on overcoming perfectionist tendencies for years. When I was younger, being a perfectionist created so much stress and anxiety and often stopped me from being kind to myself.

[00:01:58] [SPEAKER_01] I held myself back from trying new things because I was afraid to fail. I constantly felt like I wasn't good enough. But on the other hand, I kind of felt proud of being a perfectionist. I strangely liked pushing myself towards unrealistic goals and feeling disappointed when I didn't achieve them. I got used to feeling like I wasn't smart enough or pretty enough or interesting enough.

[00:02:21] [SPEAKER_01] I simultaneously liked and loathed beating myself up over mistakes because I felt like I deserved it. It wasn't until I was studying psychology that I really began to see the impact of perfectionism and the limitations it placed on me. I started to actually notice the self-critical thoughts rather than just believing them. I realized that I wanted to make mistakes and feel okay with them.

[00:02:47] [SPEAKER_01] Rather than feeling stressed and anxious most of the time, I hoped to become more easygoing and self-compassionate. And so I started accepting that I was a perfectionist while also looking for ways to grow and release perfectionist tendencies. In this article, you'll discover how perfectionism perpetuates stress and effective ways that you can start to overcome it. But first, how do you know if you're a perfectionist? Here are some of the signs.

[00:03:16] [SPEAKER_01] And please keep in mind that this isn't a definitive list. You tend to feel dissatisfied with what you've achieved. When you make small mistakes, they seem like huge failures. Receiving constructive criticism feels hurtful to you, not helpful. You're weighed down by fear of not being good enough. You find it difficult to feel proud of yourself and your accomplishments because you can't help seeing the flaws.

[00:03:40] [SPEAKER_01] Rather than feeling motivated and excited about your goals, you tend to be pushed towards them by fear of failure. You set very high expectations of yourself and feel disappointed if you fall short. You find it hard to enjoy the journey because you're usually focused on the outcome. When things don't go to plan, you ruminate over what you could have done differently and beat yourself up. Sometimes you avoid taking action at all because you're afraid of failing.

[00:04:09] [SPEAKER_01] So how does perfectionism perpetuate stress? Number one, perfectionism creates procrastination. When there's pressure to be perfect, it's a lot harder to get started on something. And then you might feel stressed about the fact that you're procrastinating. And then you might not be happy with the final product or outcome and beat yourself up over not starting sooner. It's a funny little cycle, eh? Number two, perfectionism strengthens negative thought patterns.

[00:04:40] [SPEAKER_01] Psychologist Donald Hebb once said, quote, Neurons that fire together, wire together, end quote. Basically, the more you use neural circuits in your brain, the stronger they become. If you regularly think things like, I'm never good enough no matter how hard I try. Or, if I get this wrong, I'm a failure. Or, I hate myself when I make mistakes. These are the thoughts that will become stronger.

[00:05:05] [SPEAKER_01] And if you're a perfectionist, these are the types of thoughts that are likely to be floating around in your mind on a regular basis. So perfectionism can lead to negative thoughts, which can strengthen those negative thoughts, which can then cause stress and anxiety. But don't lose hope. As you'll find out later, you can also reframe negative thoughts into more positive, helpful thoughts and strengthen those instead. Number three, perfectionism doesn't allow for mistakes.

[00:05:33] [SPEAKER_01] Being a perfectionist often means that mistakes are extremely distasteful to you, and you'll avoid making them at all cost. The problem is, human life is messy. No one is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes, both big and small. For some people, that's okay. They can apologize, learn, and grow after mistakes without too much trouble.

[00:05:57] [SPEAKER_01] But for perfectionists, mistakes can cause stress, anxiety, lack of sleep, rumination, depression, self-criticism, shame, or anger. Perfectionism pushes people to attain perfection in an imperfect world. It's stressful. Number four, perfectionism turns errors into disasters.

[00:06:21] [SPEAKER_01] Not only do perfectionists try hard to avoid mistakes, but when they happen, those mistakes seem like disasters. I'll never forget the time I failed my first driving test. I was so stressed about doing everything perfectly that I couldn't think straight and made a simple error. Classic. When I found out that I'd failed, it felt like the end of the world. I thought everyone would be judging me, and I told myself I was a loser, and I kept imagining what I should have done differently.

[00:06:48] [SPEAKER_01] I didn't want to tell anyone what had happened because I was so ashamed of myself. For a perfectionist, small errors can seem like momentous disasters, potentially impacting self-confidence when undertaking similar endeavors in the future. Number five, perfectionism can be exhausting, yet still keeps you up at night. While perfectionism can be exhausting, it can also cause your thoughts to race and keep you up at night.

[00:07:14] [SPEAKER_01] And then, insufficient sleep can further increase your stress levels. This is another example of an unhelpful perfectionism cycle. Chasing perfection creates stress, then stress keeps you up at night, and the less sleep you get, the more stressed you might feel. Not fun. And number six, perfectionism tends to suck the joy out of things. Speaking of fun, perfectionism can really hinder you from experiencing it.

[00:07:41] [SPEAKER_01] Have you ever been to a fun event and been too caught up in appearing perfect that you didn't actually have fun at all? Have you ever started engaging in self-care and felt like you weren't working hard enough, so rather than appreciating self-care, you just felt guilty? Have you ever achieved something wonderful, and rather than celebrating, you've already started planning to reach a bigger and better goal because suddenly, the first one wasn't enough anymore? Yeah, perfectionism can be a real joy vacuum.

[00:08:10] [SPEAKER_01] It likes to take away the pleasures of life and leave you with stress instead. Now, you might be thinking something along the lines of, well, I'm a perfectionist now, and I always will be. Well, let me just stop you right there. Yes, you might always have the tendency to be a little bit of a perfectionist, but you can also start to change that in a self-compassionate, understanding, and gradual way. I tend to be a lot less perfectionistic now than when I was younger.

[00:08:39] [SPEAKER_01] Sure, I might never feel 100% comfortable with making mistakes, and I may always be a little bit too hard on myself, but I've also overcome so many of the limitations that being a perfectionist placed on me. I've spoken on stage in front of a live audience and mixed up my words and still kept going and been kind to myself afterward. I've practiced receiving constructive criticism and using it to grow rather than seeing it as a failure.

[00:09:05] [SPEAKER_01] I've replaced many of my negative thoughts about not being good enough with positive affirmations. I was a perfectionist who felt completely controlled by it. And now, I'm still a perfectionist, but with the ability to see my own perfectionism, understand it, and let it go. It's not all smooth sailing, but I'm still learning. You just listened to the post titled,

[00:09:34] [SPEAKER_01] How Perfectionism Perpetuates Stress and What to Do About It by Rachel Cable of rachelcable.com. And I'll be right back with my commentary. Support for today's episode comes from Square, the business platform that helps sellers become neighborhood favorites. Payments, point of sale, online orders, inventory, staff, all in one place, so you can focus on your customers instead of your to-do list. One thing about my favorite gelato place, besides the flavors,

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[00:10:57] [SPEAKER_01] Now starting at $699 with exclusive student pricing starting at $599. Complete your setup with savings on select monitors and must-have electronics and accessories. Limited time deals and free shipping on PCs and more await you at dell.com slash deals. That's dell.com slash deals. Thank you to Rachel. We're revisiting the topic of perfectionism, which seems to come up,

[00:11:27] [SPEAKER_01] I don't know, about once a month or so. And it's important because we could be perfectionists with certain things and not necessarily everything. So it's nice to hear this reminder. And she brought up some great points like perfectionism creating procrastination. This is a huge one that I've struggled with myself for as long as I can remember. I have this tendency to try to not sort of ruin something that I got or that's really clean to start with.

[00:11:55] [SPEAKER_01] So for example, as a kid, I always wanted a sketchbook. The clean pieces of white paper are so perfect and bound together nicely. Probably took me a year to even draw in one because to me, the first thing I put in there needed to be a masterpiece. Same for this service I found that binds pages that you create together into a book. I didn't want to work on any of the pages for the longest time because I wanted them to be perfect when they go into the bounded book.

[00:12:24] [SPEAKER_01] I wanted the perfect idea of what to put in that book. You can see that basically just turns into procrastination, waiting weeks, months, or even years to create things because of perfectionism. And by not sketching or writing that book or whatever, I wasn't practicing. So I wasn't learning and I wasn't improving. All because of this perfectionist tendency. So again, something to think about and to recognize as it's happening.

[00:12:53] [SPEAKER_01] Once we recognize it, it becomes a lot easier to change it if we choose to. Have a great rest of your day and middle of the week if you're listening in real time. And I'll catch you tomorrow where your optimal life awaits.