4129: Overcoming the Social Costs of Being Different by Leo Babauta of Zen Habits on Self-Acceptance

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[00:01:04] [SPEAKER_02] This is Optimal Living Daily. Overcoming the Social Costs of Being Different by Leo Babauta of zenhabits.net. And I'm Justin Malik. Welcome back to a Sunday bonus episode where I give you a little bit of extra content from a podcast in our network that I think will also help you live a life that's a bit more meaningful and happier. And this episode is coming from Optimal Relationships Daily. So without further ado, here's Greg with the bonus post as we optimize your life.

[00:01:35] [SPEAKER_01] Overcoming the Social Costs of Being Different by Leo Babauta of zenhabits.net. Goodness knows I've put in my share of being different than most people. I've had to explain myself more times than is believable, and I've dealt with people avoiding my company because of my differentness. And yet, despite the hassles and the isolation, I wouldn't want to give up my differentness. It's who I am, and being like everyone else would be less authentic.

[00:02:04] [SPEAKER_01] How am I different? Here are a few examples. I'm vegan. I unschool my kids. I'm a minimalist and wear the same clothes over and over. I have very little. My family and I are car-free. Recently, I haven't been eating sugar or flour or fried foods. I meditate. I don't have a real job. People don't seem to understand what a blogger does.

[00:02:28] [SPEAKER_01] I mostly live without goals. I don't eat fast food. And I don't have debt, nor own a home, nor do I plan to anytime soon. None of that is to brag. I don't think any of those makes me any better than anyone else, nor do I think I'm the first to do any of these. They're just part of who I am. And in fact, I'm different in many less visible ways.

[00:02:49] [SPEAKER_01] I'm also similar to most people in many ways. I fail. I hurt. I get scared. I get angry. I'm shy. I doubt myself. I'm human. And I'm imperfect. But the differences stand out when I socialize. The social costs of being different My differences isolate me and make me have to explain myself and make me have less in common with other people.

[00:03:14] [SPEAKER_01] For example, when I socialize, if we're eating, I always have to explain my vegan-ness. I always have to answer questions about protein and what would happen to the animals if we didn't provide for them before we slaughter them. And isn't soy bad for you? And so on. My veganism becomes the focus of conversation, making me feel a bit weird because I don't eat like everyone else. If everyone else is eating fast food or desserts, I abstain.

[00:03:41] [SPEAKER_01] They seem to love it. But I can't agree. So I'm not part of it. Being different means some people don't know what to talk to me about. Because the normal topics don't apply to me. It's harder for them to relate. People get defensive about my differences. Unschooling makes them feel like bad parents if they send or sent their kids to school. And veganism can make them try to defend their way of eating. And so on. I get teased. Usually in a good-natured way, but still.

[00:04:09] [SPEAKER_01] People about eating rabbit food or having an empty house or Come on, wouldn't you just love some of this delicious meat? Not really. People judge me. Or if they don't judge, they just see me as different. Sometimes family members actually get mad at us for being different than them. Or for being bad parents, as vegans or unschoolers. Some people refuse to eat our food, which means they are less likely to visit. And sometimes I just don't like hanging out with people who are being unhealthy or going

[00:04:36] [SPEAKER_01] Through life not caring about what they do, or who just want to get drunk or stoned. I don't think they're bad people. But it's just not that fun for me. That's just the start of it. But you get the idea. Does any of this sound familiar to you? If you're different, do you feel social isolation for many people? You might not have the same differences as me, but maybe you see some commonalities here. What's a person to do? I have some strategies. Dealing with the social costs.

[00:05:06] [SPEAKER_01] I might have painted a negative picture so far, but actually there are lots of ways to Deal with these challenges, and also lots of positives. 1. Embrace your differences While being different can be a bit hard, it's not a bad thing. Being different is what makes you who you are. It means you're daring to live your own life on your terms with your values. It means you have courage to stand out from the mainstream. It means you're interesting. Hug those differences.

[00:05:35] [SPEAKER_01] Be grateful for them. Own them. Be proud of them. 2. See the teaching opportunity Part of why I live my life differently is to be an example. To show that there are alternatives. That we don't have to be consumerists or buy into the system or support factory farming or be unhealthy or give our responsibility to educate our kids away, for example. And so when people have questions, as tiring as they can be,

[00:06:02] [SPEAKER_01] actually I'm grateful for the opportunity to educate, to share, to explore these interesting grounds with people. I actually love talking about unschooling, for example, and while I know people have objections, I had those objections too once, and I have explored answers to them that I would love to share. It can be tiring, but it can also be a wonderful thing that someone else is curious. Curiosity is a gift. 3. Find company in yourself

[00:06:31] [SPEAKER_01] You can be at a party, in the middle of a crowd of people who don't connect with you, and be perfectly okay. It's not necessarily lonely if you like your own company, but you also don't have to be isolated. See the next item. 4. Be curious If you are isolated at a party, there are ways to beat this. For example, don't think just because people are different than you that you don't have things in common. Be curious about them, and instead of thinking they don't understand,

[00:07:01] [SPEAKER_01] realize that maybe you don't understand. Get to know them. See the beauty in them. Find the things that you love. Understand why they live the way they do. Listen and look. 5. Find friends who understand All this notwithstanding, there are people who will embrace your differences, even think you're awesome because of them. They might also be vegan, for example, or they might just be very individualistic people who think your radicalness is cool.

[00:07:30] [SPEAKER_01] You share stories about your lives, you find them fascinating, and you want to hang out. And in this exploration, you meet some fascinating, open-minded people that you can connect with. 6. The naysayers drift While I love my family and old friends who don't understand my differences, if they constantly attack and get angry and talk behind my back, I probably won't want to hang out with them as much. They tend to drift out of my life because they don't really want to engage in an open discussion,

[00:08:00] [SPEAKER_01] and that makes it hard to have a relationship. 7. Turn your differentness into an advantage While there might be costs to being different, actually there are huge benefits too. Being different means you stand out, which is a good thing in a world where everyone is trying to blend in. It means you're interesting, because you're different. It means you are less restricted by what's comfortable, able to explore new ground, not afraid of things because you don't know about them.

[00:08:28] [SPEAKER_01] It means you're learning more than most people. These are huge advantages, if you use them to build a business, make friends, and live the life you want to live. I'm not going to pretend that being different is easy, but it's the only way I would live. You just listened to the post titled, Overcoming the Social Costs of Being Different by Leo Babauta of zenhabits.net

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[00:11:05] [SPEAKER_01] And thanks a lot to Leo for this post, which I think a lot of us will find empowering depending on how frequently in life we fancy ourselves outsiders or weirdos. It's certainly a great guide for those experiencing those feelings, but it's also an invitation for those who do or do not relate to Leo's sense of isolation. He spoke about how difficult it can be to have conversations sometimes because many people are in disagreement or judgmental or just not understanding.

[00:11:35] [SPEAKER_01] Well, if you should be in conversation with someone who you're not on the same wavelength as, don't shy away from an interaction. Rather, choose to learn about them. Listen to them. Share ideas. And relish the opportunity to witness how others connect dots differently than you do. Making this choice is a great way of learning about the world and connecting with others. It helps people feel safer with you. And it's so great for cultivating a sense of community at large.

[00:12:04] [SPEAKER_01] So whether or not you think you might be as different as Leo or different in other ways, be someone who makes others feel heard and observe how incredibly fulfilling this can be for both you and them. Okay, I'll leave it there for today, folks. A really great article from Leo. I hope you felt the same. Thank you so much for tuning in and listening all the way through. Enjoy the remainder of your day and I hope to see you back here tomorrow for another post where your optimal life awaits.