4152: What Complaining Does To Your Brain AND Stay Positive in the Face of a Dreaded Situation by Stella Grizont on Emotional Resilience

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[00:00:45] [SPEAKER_02] This is Optimal Living Daily, what complaining does to your brain and stay positive in the face of a dreaded situation. Both by Stella Grizont of StellaGrizont.com and I'm Justin Malik, the guy that reads to you everything. Every single day of the year, including weekends and holidays in hopes of bringing a bit more inspiration, happiness, and joy to both you and me. It's two posts today, so let's get right to them as we optimize your life.

[00:01:17] [SPEAKER_02] What complaining does to your brain and your happiness by Stella Grizont of StellaGrizont.com. I'd like you to stop and think for a moment. How many times did you complain today? What were your biggest complaints? If you find that it was a lot and that your complaints are all over the place, then you definitely want to keep listening. Complaining can be a trap that sabotages our happiness and success at work. So what exactly do I mean by complaining?

[00:01:45] [SPEAKER_02] Complaining is expressing dissatisfaction, resentment, a grievance, or a state of suffering. Complaining is not just making an observation of something that's wrong. I can say, it's hot outside. And depending on my inflection, it will have two completely different meanings. In one way, it sounds like I'm simply reporting the weather. But I can also say it in a way that makes it sound like I'm dying in the middle of the desert and feel like my skin is burning off. That's complaining. Complaining is taking an observation and adding negative energy or emotion to it.

[00:02:14] [SPEAKER_02] When you complain, you are indeed suffering. But here's the thing. When we go through life, struggle is inevitable. But suffering is a choice. Complaining is a trap that sabotages your happiness and success at work because it triggers your negativity bias. What's your negativity bias? It's your brain's natural impulse to focus on anything that's bad, wrong, or threatening.

[00:02:39] [SPEAKER_02] Our negativity bias is great and necessary for helping us survive because it makes us alert to and focused on bad or threatening stuff. But it's not great for helping us thrive. When our negativity bias gets triggered, our attention goes to all the bad stuff, which makes it really hard to see things in any other light. Without being aware and making a conscious effort to override our instinctive negative tendencies, we keep ourselves from seeing what's good around us and all the possibilities for correcting or improving the situation.

[00:03:08] [SPEAKER_02] I know complaining can feel so good, especially when others jump in. But it's not the communal complaining that's creating the sense of relief. It's the fact that it feels good to be heard and acknowledged. It's validating to have others share your feelings. It means you're not alone. Fact is, it's still possible to get all that without infusing everything you say with shades of suffering. And here's another thing. Complaining is completely unproductive. It literally sucks the possibility for addressing the sources of your complaint in order to change things.

[00:03:37] [SPEAKER_02] Who can focus on potential solutions or positive improvements when you're so busy spilling your woes to friends, colleagues, loved ones, the cab driver, and anyone else who will listen? So how do you break the pattern and get out of this trap? I have a two-point system for you. Number one, go on a one-week complaint vacation. Basically, what this means is for the next seven days, I want you to take a rest from complaining. This might not be easy at first. In fact, in the beginning, it can feel like a real working vacation.

[00:04:06] [SPEAKER_02] But it's not unlike quitting any bad habit. You just have to be really aware of your feelings, your attitude, your moods. And as soon as you feel yourself about to slip into complaining mode, pause, take a deep breath, and focus on neutralizing your tone and energy. Don't think you can control yourself? Then don't open your mouth. Unless in sharing, you'll also be addressing the source of your issue. And even then, check your tone.

[00:04:29] [SPEAKER_02] And number two, write down five things you appreciate about your work and your life every day during your complaint vacation. At first, this may seem fake, especially when you're not happy. But it just takes practice. And the more you think about it and do it, the more you'll notice you have to appreciate. Funny how that works. If you're really having a hard time, remember that things like your parking spot, the free coffee, the supply of great pens, even your intern sense of humor, all count as things you appreciate.

[00:05:03] [SPEAKER_02] How to stay positive in the face of a dreaded situation by Stella Grizont of WUPA.com As most of you know, I believe in using play to help us grow. I especially love to apply play to heavy and dark moments. Whether it's an email from your boss that it's time to talk, gulp, or a look of anger and outrage from your significant other, uh-oh. You might consider arming yourself with a play mindset instead of battle gear and see what happens. So, how do you do that?

[00:05:31] [SPEAKER_02] Well, earlier this year, I gave my first TEDx talk in Anchorage, Alaska, where I spoke about the play instinct and its possibilities for problem solving. I really believe it's our play instinct that will help us navigate difficult social situations like loneliness and vulnerability. Watch the video in this post for more on that. Meanwhile, here's a quick trick method using the word play as a memory-jogging acronym of how to step into the play mindset and face some unpleasant situations with ease. Permission.

[00:05:59] [SPEAKER_02] Give yourself permission to be playful and set that intention. Automatic thought. Ugh, I have to have this conversation. Play mindset. Great, I get to have this conversation. You're simply shifting your mindset from obligation and dread to lightness and the unexpected. Let go of judgment and stay curious. Automatic thought. This is gonna suck. He's probably mad and I must have screwed up. Play mindset. Okay, let's see where this goes. I wonder what's going on.

[00:06:29] [SPEAKER_02] It's a matter of leaving yourself open to possibilities. You have no idea what you're in for, so why assume the worst? Acknowledge your feelings to yourself. Automatic thought. Get me out of here. Play mindset. Hmm, feeling a little vulnerable or uncomfortable right now. It's natural to want to escape uncomfortable situations. Play instinct is about embracing the unknown and being hyper-present, because being aware of how you're feeling will help you avoid generating resistance to your thoughts and getting lost in your head.

[00:06:59] [SPEAKER_02] Yes, it is to what comes up. Automatic thought. But you don't understand. Play mindset. I will listen to what you're saying and hear an additional perspective. By being open to the other person's perspective, you not only allow yourself to hear what's being said without your internal defensive monologue getting in the way, but also to be heard when it's your turn to talk. Starting with yes and immediately diffuses any tension in the air. Also, this is a common improv technique.

[00:07:28] [SPEAKER_02] Adopting a play mindset leaves you open to all kinds of possibilities because you're not instantly assuming the worst or placing a right or wrong template over the situation. You just listened to the posts titled, What Complaining Does to Your Brain? And, Stay Positive in the Face of a Dreaded Situation. Both by Stella Grizont of StellaGrisant.com. And I'll be right back with my commentary.

[00:07:56] [SPEAKER_02] Now I want to tell you about a book that stuck with me. Life at the Speed of Play. Launch Products People Love. By Mark Pincus. Mark's a legendary Silicon Valley entrepreneur and one of the most prolific idea generators around. But as he'll tell you, ideas are a dime a dozen. What matters is picking the right ones. His instant national bestseller is a fast-paced, 170-page read for these uncertain times, full of real-life skills and a battle-tested,

[00:08:25] [SPEAKER_02] easy-to-follow framework for separating the great ideas from the terrible ones. Y Combinator's Gary Tan says it'll change your odds of success. And it reads less like a stuffy business book, more like you're in Mark's kitchen, already in his inner circle. Go to getmarksbook.com slash old and buy one copy. And Mark personally, not his publisher, sends you a second one free. Two books, about $16 each.

[00:08:54] [SPEAKER_02] So you can hand one to a friend who's stuck. Once again, that's getmarksbook.com slash old.

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[00:09:18] [SPEAKER_02] Thank you to Stella. Right at the beginning, she asked how many times you complained today and what were your biggest complaints? So I would like you and me really to think about that deeply for a second and try to think about when it happened and what it was. Can you think of any moments when you did complain? I know I did. I had a phone call with my business partner today and I complained about taxes in California and how complicated entrepreneurship is

[00:09:46] [SPEAKER_02] with all these business taxes and forms and having an LLC, all that fun stuff. That's just the first thing that pops into my mind. I'm sure there are many others. There's this book called A Complaint-Free World and the author Will Bowen cites that the average person complains between 15 to 30 times a day. So that's basically one to two times per hour if you account for sleeping. Although I'm sure we complain in our dreams as well. But that's a lot, right?

[00:10:15] [SPEAKER_02] If you couldn't think of one time you complained today, I would say go deeper, really think about it, not just conversations with others, but in your own head as well. As I always say, awareness is key. Knowing what's going on in our heads is key. It can sound a bit elementary, like, it's my head, obviously I know what's going on in there and what I'm thinking about. But unless you've meditated formally for a good amount of time, I think you might be surprised just how fast those thoughts move

[00:10:44] [SPEAKER_02] and how quickly they disappear. But they do completely change how we feel. So do think about it seriously, something to consider this weekend. But I'll leave it there for the weekend show. Hope you're having a great day and I'll be back tomorrow where your optimal life awaits.