4159: Parenting: Who Is It Really For AND Actions, Not Words, Reveal Our Real Values by Derek Sivers on Mindfulness

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[00:01:00] [SPEAKER_00] This is Optimal Living Daily. Parenting. Who is it really for? And actions, not words, reveal our real values. Both by Derek Sivers of Sivers, that's S-I-V-E dot R-S. And I'm Justin Malik. Happy Friday. Welcome to Optimal Living Daily or OLD, one of a few shows where we read articles to you. Today, a special two articles. So with that, let's get right to them as we optimize your life.

[00:01:31] [SPEAKER_00] Parenting. Who is it really for? By Derek Sivers of Sivers, that's S-I-V-E dot R-S. Since my son was born five years ago, I've spent at least 30 hours a week with him, just one-on-one, giving him my full attention. But I've never written about parenting before because it's a touchy subject, too easily misunderstood.

[00:01:54] [SPEAKER_00] So, why am I writing about it today? Because I realized that the parenting things I do for him are also for myself. And that's an idea worth sharing. Here are the things I've been doing for my son since he was born. Cultivating a long attention span. Whatever he's doing right now, that's the most important thing. So, I encourage him to keep doing it as long as possible. I never say, come on, let's go.

[00:02:22] [SPEAKER_00] We'll go to the beach or forest and make things with sticks and sand for half a day before he's ready to switch. Other families come to the playground for 20 or 30 minutes. We stay there for hours. Nobody else can play with us like this. Everyone else gets so bored. Of course, my adult mind wanders to all the other things we could be doing. But I let it go and return to that present focus. Entering his world. I'm very ambitious and try to do a lot with my life.

[00:02:52] [SPEAKER_00] But when I'm with him, I stop everything else. Phone off. Computer off. I try to see things through his eyes to put myself into his mind. When he gets upset, I try to remember what it was like to be his age and relate at that level. When he makes up stories, I enter his invented world. If he says we're cats in Paris, we're cats in Paris. The minotaur is chasing us, we both run. Of course, I'm tempted to check my phone.

[00:03:20] [SPEAKER_00] Most of us have that addiction now. But I ask myself, what's more important? And leave it off. Broadening his inputs. I want him to have a wide range of inputs into his senses. We go play in as many different forests, beaches, mountains, and towns as possible. Touching and smelling everything we can. I play very diverse music in the background.

[00:03:44] [SPEAKER_00] When we play at home, he's listening to Persian traditional, Indian classical, 60s jazz, glitch, Bartok, Stevie Wonder from 72 to 76, lots of Bach, Bulgarian choir, or whatever. We've had season tickets to the New Zealand Symphony Orchestra since he was three and never miss a concert. I took him to the opera Carmen, and he was riveted from start to finish. We get a few new books from the library every week and read together for an hour every night.

[00:04:12] [SPEAKER_00] We watch a huge variety of movies, but always from start to finish without interruption, so he gets the full story arc. For the big Disney blockbusters, we watch the Portuguese or Chinese translations. And now, my point, the reason I'm finally writing about this is because I realize that I'm doing all these things for myself as much as for him. By cultivating his long attention span, I'm cultivating my own.

[00:04:39] [SPEAKER_00] By entering his world, I'm letting go of my own, like meditation. By broadening his inputs, I'm broadening my own. I thought I was being selfless, but actually, like most things we consider selfless, they benefit me as much as him. Actions, not words, reveal our real values by Derek Sivers of Sivers. That's S-I-V-E dot R-S.

[00:05:07] [SPEAKER_00] I told my old coach that I really wanted to start my new company. He said, no you don't. I said, yes I do, this is really important to me. He said, no it's not. Saying it doesn't make it true. I said, you can't ignore what I'm saying. I know myself well. I'm telling you what's important to me. He said, yes I can't ignore what you're saying and just look at your actions. Our actions always reveal our real values.

[00:05:37] [SPEAKER_00] I thought about that, but it sounded wrong to me. What about people who want to learn languages or create businesses but haven't started yet? What about people who want to quit smoking or quit their jobs but haven't been able to yet? He said, if they really wanted to do it, they would have done it. You've been talking about this new company idea since 2008 but never launched it. Looking at your actions and knowing you, I'd say that you don't really want to start another company.

[00:06:05] [SPEAKER_00] You actually prefer the simple life you have now, focused on learning, writing, and playing with your kid. No matter what you say, your actions reveal the truth. Wow. Yup, he was right. I had been fooling myself for years, telling myself I wanted to do this, but my actions proved otherwise. Yes, I wanted it a little bit, but I wanted something else more.

[00:06:30] [SPEAKER_00] Now, I've been sharing this thought with friends who talk about wanting something but aren't making it happen. Each time, they have the same reaction I did. No matter what you tell the world or tell yourself, your actions reveal your real values. Your actions show you what you actually want. There are two smart reactions to this. Stop lying to yourself and admit your real priorities, or start doing what you say you want to do and see if it's really true.

[00:07:04] [SPEAKER_00] You just listened to the post titled, Parenting, Who Is It Really For? and Actions, Not Words Reveal Our Real Values, both by Derek Sivers of Sivers, that's S-I-V-E dot R-S. And I'll be right back with my commentary. Now, I want to tell you about a book that stuck with me, Life at the Speed of Play, Launch Products People Love by Mark Pincus. Mark's a legendary Silicon Valley entrepreneur and one of the most prolific idea generators around.

[00:07:33] [SPEAKER_00] But as he'll tell you, ideas are a dime a dozen. What matters is picking the right ones. His instant national bestseller is a fast-paced, 170-page read for these uncertain times full of real-life skills and a battle-tested, easy-to-follow framework for separating the great ideas from the terrible ones. Y Combinator's Gary Tan says it'll change your odds of success. And it reads less like a stuffy business book, more like you're in Mark's kitchen,

[00:08:03] [SPEAKER_00] already in his inner circle. Go to getmarksbook.com slash old and buy one copy and Mark personally, not his publisher, sends you a second one free. Two books, about $16 each, so you can hand one to a friend who's stuck. Once again, that's getmarksbook.com slash OLD.

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[00:08:57] [SPEAKER_00] Thinking to Derek, in the first post related to parenting, he brings up a good point there about how him raising a child to the best of his abilities also helps himself become a better person. Now, I'm not a parent, except to a couple of cats, so I'm no expert here and I don't want to pretend like I am one because far from it. But the idea of the activities he does with his child being sort of meditative is something I can relate to.

[00:09:25] [SPEAKER_00] It works with many different things after all. So for example, keeping as close as possible to his original example, I can play with my cat, kicking the ping pong ball around and she'll pass it back. She's quite good at that actually. But it can be easy to whip out my phone and read something while playing with my cat. Now, is there something inherently wrong with that? Eh, maybe not in that exact example, but if, I don't know, I was having what I considered

[00:09:53] [SPEAKER_00] a pretty important conversation with someone and in the middle of my sentence, their phone came out, well, that could be disturbing. Distraction is easy and focus or keeping the mind on the present, that's hard. We can't expect to always be in the present though, but trying to remind ourselves of the present moment is a great practice to have. So something to remember today. Hope you're having a great Friday if you're listening in real time and I'll see you tomorrow over the weekend

[00:10:21] [SPEAKER_00] where your optimal life awaits.