4177: How to Forge Your Own Path When You Feel Left Behind by Your Peers by Sara Stanizai of Prospect Therapy on Defining Success

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[00:00:55] [SPEAKER_00] This is Optimal Living Daily. How to forge your own path when you feel left behind by your peers. By Sara Stanizai of Prospect Therapy, and I'm Justin Malik. Welcome back to a Sunday bonus episode where I give you a little extra content from a podcast in our network that I think will also help you live a life that's a bit more meaningful and happier.

[00:01:20] [SPEAKER_00] And this episode is coming from Optimal Relationships Daily. So without further ado, here's Greg with another post as we optimize your life.

[00:01:33] [SPEAKER_05] How to forge your own path when you feel left behind by your peers. By Sarah Stanezai of ProspectTherapy.com. Does it feel like no matter what you do, you aren't accomplishing as much as your peers, even if you actually are? Whether it's education, career moves, or relationships, you feel inferior because everyone seems to have their lives more figured out than you. This can lead to feelings of depression, anxiety, and imposter syndrome.

[00:02:02] [SPEAKER_05] If you're feeling left behind, you aren't alone. It's common for everyone to experience this mindset from time to time, especially young people. Early adulthood is a time when many people are exploring their place in the world. Culture tells us that by your 30s, it's expected that you've made some way down your chosen path. We all know that friend or family member who knew exactly what they wanted to do in their career from an early age. Or the 22-year-olds who were high school sweethearts and are now happily married.

[00:02:32] [SPEAKER_05] If this isn't the case for you, however, you're likely doing just fine in your own respect. Perhaps you aren't only doing just fine, you're thriving. What we don't hear about as often are the people who later in life are changing careers, exploring different partners, or moving to a new city, without it being framed as a gimmick, an anomaly, or some under-the-Tuscan-sun BS. The truth is, any choice you make deliberately is the right choice for you.

[00:03:02] [SPEAKER_05] Maybe for you it feels like no matter what you accomplish, you can't convince yourself that you're doing it right. You're stuck in comparison mode. Let's examine some ways that you can lose this mindset and begin focusing on everything you're doing right. Appreciate your accomplishments and experiences. We tend to underestimate ourselves. Often, when we accomplish something, we have thoughts about how we could have done it better.

[00:03:27] [SPEAKER_05] Research frequently shows that when faced with something neutral, humans tend to see that thing as negative. It's not just you. It's a natural response to skew negative, even for things that we think we should be happy about. Maybe this partially explains resting bee face. I'm not mad, that's just my face. For example, graduating from college is a significant accomplishment. But you may finish a strenuous, expensive four-year degree and think, well, everyone does that.

[00:03:56] [SPEAKER_05] It's no big deal. Or you compare yourself to others. This person got better grades than me. Or they did more extracurriculars. Suddenly, your accomplishment seems inferior, and you don't feel all that great about what you've done. One tool from cognitive behavioral therapy is to make an effort to notice these thoughts when they pop up, and then replace them with something else. It's not enough to just try to force yourself to erase negative thoughts. You will frequently have negative thoughts.

[00:04:25] [SPEAKER_05] But replacing them with something positive that is also true goes much farther in changing your mindset and your emotional response. Try to reframe your thoughts to focus on the things that you have done right. Keep in mind that everything you've learned along the way is valuable. Besides, you may be moving forward with lessons that others haven't learned. Re-evaluate your goals. It's so easy to compare yourself to people your age.

[00:04:52] [SPEAKER_05] You may feel bad because one peer already has a high-paying job, and another one is married and starting a family. Try to keep in mind that success is subjective. What some consider success, others don't. We each have different goals, after all. So, instead of comparing, focus on what your meaning of success is, according to your goals. Try not to let others' notions of success influence your judgment. Again, if you're feeling unsuccessful compared to those your age,

[00:05:22] [SPEAKER_05] focus on what is going right. What lessons are you learning, and what goals are you accomplishing? How do you define success? Try to think of it not as a dollar amount or a zip code. Think of it in terms of your values. Do you cherish independence, flexibility, connection? Where do you have those things in your life? I know what you're thinking, but this isn't simply making excuses for your failures, or trying to justify yourself.

[00:05:50] [SPEAKER_05] It's really examining what it is that you envy about that person's situation. Do they seem to have more independence, more support, fewer regrets? No, you don't want their home or their job, but maybe those things help them have a better self-image or more stability. If those are the things you want, you can find a way to get those things in a way that's meaningful to you. Reframe the shame. If you fear that you're falling behind from your peers,

[00:06:18] [SPEAKER_05] remember that everyone goes through periods of life that are less successful than others. We can't be succeeding all the time. Otherwise, that wouldn't be success at all. The setbacks and the slumps are more than just building character. They are just as valuable as the high points. Every experience you have is teaching you something, and is valuable in making you a full and complex person. I help my clients reframe what they thought of as mistakes into just another part of you expressing itself

[00:06:48] [SPEAKER_05] and trying to teach you something. We need periods in our life that aren't as fruitful as others to remind us what we're working so hard for and how far we've come. Try to reframe the shame you feel regarding the less successful periods in your life. Falling behind and getting delayed or sidetracked, that's part of the journey. Life has no correct order. You've probably had specific goals in mind for most of your life. We tend to have benchmarks for when these goals should happen,

[00:07:17] [SPEAKER_05] and if they aren't happening in that time frame, we panic. It's vital to unlearn this idea that life events must occur in a particular order. Sometimes other things get in the way of the timeline, such as health issues, unexpected opportunities, familial duties, or money issues. Some people graduate from college at 22, while some graduate at 60. Some people start a family sooner than they planned. Others start much later than they expected.

[00:07:45] [SPEAKER_05] Many define their family without children at all. There is no right or wrong answer. It's all about finding the order that works best for you. Again, the only way to accomplish a goal incorrectly is to do it for someone else. No matter where you're at in life, you deserve to feel good about yourself. You deserve to feel good about your accomplishments. Life is way too short to feel inferior to others. You aren't failing, and you aren't falling behind.

[00:08:14] [SPEAKER_05] Keep going at your own pace, and all of your hard work will see success in its own time. You just listened to the post titled, How to Forge Your Own Path When You Feel Left Behind by Your Peers, by Sara Stanizai of ProspectTherapy.com.

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[00:09:05] [SPEAKER_02] Pink Pantheress here. Coach and Spotify are teaming up to bring music and style together, and they want you to be part of it. Grab your friends and head to the Tabby Tour, hitting cities around the country with live performances from special artists, exclusive experiences, and personalized products. And discover custom playlists on Spotify. Book just for you based on who you are and how you listen.

[00:09:26] [SPEAKER_01] Live your story with Coach. Learn more at Coach.com.

[00:09:32] [SPEAKER_05] And thanks so much to Sarah for this one. A really great reminder about the ups and downs of life and how they can be dictated by the impressions that we have of those around us, including loved ones. And here in my commentary, I find myself wanting to challenge one thing that she said. Although I feel as though my thought strengthens her argument at the same time. I'll just get into it. Towards the end, she mentioned that the only incorrect way of accomplishing a goal is to do it for someone else.

[00:10:01] [SPEAKER_05] At face value, I can see what she means. And you might well feel the same. But if we are able to introspect and look at the accomplishment of this goal differently, this goal that was, you know, somehow for somebody else, we might find that the inclination we have to accomplish something for others is still a statement about ourselves. It's still an opportunity to learn about where our motivations are stemming from, which is a really big lesson to learn about ourselves

[00:10:30] [SPEAKER_05] and thus an opportunity to take a powerful look at what success really means to us on our own terms. This is exactly the type of quote-unquote mistake that can teach us something important, even if it is initially disguised or interpreted as a win, you know, just because of the accomplishment itself. So no matter where you look, if you can question yourself deeply enough, you will find chances to use Sarah's teachings here today.

[00:10:59] [SPEAKER_05] Okay, and that'll do it for another episode of Optimal Relationships Daily, my friends. Great job making it to the end and choosing your relationships today. Have a terrific Saturday and be sure to come back tomorrow for both our regularly scheduled post and our bonus episode. That's where your optimal life awaits. of the week. .