4225: Sorry, But Your Ex Is Probably Not a Narcissist by Keith Wilson on Using Self-Help Wisely

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[00:00:55] [SPEAKER_01] This is Optimal Living Daily. Sorry, but your ex is probably not a narcissist. By Keith Wilson of KeithWilsonCounseling.com. And I'm Justin Malik. This is our Sunday bonus episode where I share a different podcast in our network. And today I'm featuring Optimal Relationships Daily covering, well, relationships obviously, but all the relationships in our lives, including ourselves.

[00:01:24] [SPEAKER_01] So with that, let's get right to the bonus post and Greg's commentary as we optimize your life.

[00:01:34] [SPEAKER_04] Sorry, but your ex is probably not a narcissist. By Keith Wilson of KeithWilsonCounseling.com. In 1969, George Miller, the president of the American Psychological Association, urged psychologists to give psychology away. There were too many problems and too few psychologists for them to hoard their knowledge. Instead, psychology should be popularized and spread to the public so they could use it themselves.

[00:02:02] [SPEAKER_04] It was in this spirit that thousands of self-help articles, books, podcasts, videos, blog posts, and social media memes have been conceived. How's it working out? We've had more than 50 years of self-help psychotherapy. Are we getting any better? In some ways, we are. There is a little less stigma about some mental illnesses and far less stigma about getting help for them. People readily claim to have minor variations of ADD, OCD, and PTSD.

[00:02:32] [SPEAKER_04] They're getting better at talking about some feelings. 91% of the users of Hinge, the dating website, prefer to date someone in therapy. Now, when people first come to my office, they already know the cognitive behavioral tips I used to have to teach them. They have apps on their phones that train them on how to relax. Psychological concepts such as addiction, assertiveness, attachment, codependency, dysfunction, narcissism,

[00:02:59] [SPEAKER_04] projection, self-esteem, traumatic bonding, triggering, and toxic masculinity have become everyday language. Give the typical man on the street the quote from Freud, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, and he'll know why it's funny. On the other hand, the articles, books, podcasts, videos, blog posts, and social media memes that get liked and spread the most

[00:03:23] [SPEAKER_04] are not those that show you how to cultivate your virtues, take personal responsibility, listen to others, and maintain healthy relationships. They're the ones that tell you that your ex is a narcissist and he's been gaslighting you. They'll urge you to go your own way and end relationships, rather than how to preserve them. We shrinks should be ashamed of ourselves, but we've taught people to have no shame. I'm an offender too.

[00:03:50] [SPEAKER_04] I've generated a load of articles, written a lot of books, appeared on podcasts, produced educational videos, and even created a meme or two. Soon, I'll be speaking about reconciliation by video at the Family Recovery Summit. This will be a free conference. What could possibly be better than that? Is anything better than free? Nothing's free. There are always hidden costs. Sometimes they're acceptable, sometimes they're not. There are advantages to getting your therapy through self-help.

[00:04:20] [SPEAKER_04] You don't have to make an appointment, put pants on, or show up on time. No one ever has to know except for your librarian, bookseller, Google, or the overworked people at the Amazon warehouse. If you read or watch online, you can clear your history or use private mode. Depending on who you're reading or listening to, you could end up learning as much or more about your condition as the best educated therapist you can find.

[00:04:45] [SPEAKER_04] But, if you do not have an opportunity to talk about what you think you are learning, you might be getting it wrong. You're not accountable for following up on their advice, and they are minimally accountable for the advice they're giving. Also, most self-help sources only espouse a single point of view. If your case is complicated, or if you simply pick the wrong source, it might take you off track. The biggest flaw of self-help, in all its forms, has to do with something called the hermeneutic horizon.

[00:05:16] [SPEAKER_04] It's hard to learn what you don't know, and it's almost impossible to be told what you don't want to know. It's all beyond your hermeneutic horizon. When I'm doing psychotherapy with a client, I always try to hit the edge of their hermeneutic horizon, that sweet spot between what they already know and what they cannot accept or understand. If I introduce something too far beyond, at best it goes nowhere. At worst, it alienates them and becomes a barrier between us. On the other hand,

[00:05:45] [SPEAKER_04] if I know the client's history, I know their point of view and frame of reference. I can present a perspective that they can accept while still challenging them a little. As I give them new information, I can observe how they're receiving it and alter what I'm saying on the fly. But a poster of a meme, an author of an article or book, or a speaker in a video or podcast doesn't know and can't see the audience. She can only rely on who she imagines her target audience to be.

[00:06:15] [SPEAKER_04] What happens when millions of people with their hermeneutic horizons go on social media and consume articles, books, podcasts, videos, blog posts, and social media memes? They start liking, retweeting, and sharing the ones that are already within their hermeneutic horizon, the least challenging ones. This is how we get millions of posts about how your ex is a narcissist and gaslighting you. It's probably gratifying to hear that you're not the problem.

[00:06:43] [SPEAKER_04] But sorry, he's probably not a narcissist. And when you think he's gaslighting you, he's only sharing his point of view. If your ex is not a narcissist, then what is he? Well, he's another suffering, divided human being like you. He certainly has narcissistic tendencies, just as you do, and me. It's not a matter of whether a person is a narcissist or not. It's how narcissistic are they. Psychotherapy was never meant to facilitate

[00:07:12] [SPEAKER_04] putting people like your ex in a box called narcissism and dismissing everything they have to say. We do better when we erase stigma and recognize our own pathologies. Here's some irony for you. Narcissism is all about having a constricted hermeneutic horizon. To the extent you're narcissistic, all you know is your own point of view, and nobody can tell you anything. Given enough sessions, a therapist can gently help you see the things about yourself that you don't want to know,

[00:07:42] [SPEAKER_04] but that you need to know if you want to grow. So, it is clearly better to go into therapy than to rely on self-help. But here's the thing. Therapy for as many sessions as needed may be impossible. Just as George Miller said in 1969, there ain't enough shrinks in the world to fix everything that's screwed up. He didn't say it that way, but he would have if he could have tailored his message for a particular audience. We need self-help because there's not enough professional help.

[00:08:11] [SPEAKER_04] Therefore, if you use self-help, use it wisely. If you use self-help, you will find some speakers or authors who will tell you things you like to hear. They might provide you with a better argument for your position. That kind of information has some value. It reinforces old lessons. But, listen closely to the messages you don't understand or could even object to. That's how you grow. That's how you get free from whatever mire you're stuck in.

[00:08:43] [SPEAKER_04] You just listened to the post titled, Sorry, But Your Ex Is Probably Not A Narcissist by Keith Wilson of KeithWilsonCounseling.com

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[00:10:26] [SPEAKER_04] And Keith Wilson, ladies and gentlemen, one of my favorite writers around. He has such wonderful ideas that always seem to break the mold for me and I love any opportunity to share his work. Today's article has been no exception for me. I really love his take-home advice at the end too, doing his best to bridge that gap between being in counseling and just doing your own learning at home. And to supplement his thought about listening closely to the ideas that you don't understand or even object to, I might also recommend

[00:10:55] [SPEAKER_04] that you interrogate the ideas that do feel great and seem to fit like a glove. Ask yourself how they might not be exactly right for you. What exceptions could be made to any of the seemingly concrete pieces of advice or knowledge you're being exposed to? Always challenge and search for that gray area, that which exists beyond your initial response. As my philosophy teacher said on our last day of class, question everything.

[00:11:24] [SPEAKER_04] And it doesn't mean you have to walk away convinced of the opposite interpretation that you started with, but it does get you in the habit of seeing multiple sides and thinking a bit deeper, which I dare say there is always room for. Okay, that's going to wrap us up for today, everyone. Thank you as always to Keith for his work and thanks to you for being here, making another episode possible and doing right by your relationships. Enjoy the rest of your weekend and I look forward to sharing more content with you tomorrow. That's where your optimal life awaits.

[00:11:54] Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.