1977: Should I Move With My Kids For a Long-Distance Relationship After My Previous Husband's Passing?

[00:00:00] Hey, it's Justin from Optimal Living Daily. Before we start, I want to share a super powerful practice I use called NSDR, or Non-Sleep Deep Rest. In just about 10 minutes or so, this Yoga Nidra practice leaves you feeling as refreshed as after a nap without actually sleeping. Experience it for yourself on our guided podcast. Search NSDR and look for the one from Optimal Living Daily.

[00:00:25] Hello, everybody. Another Q&A edition of Optimal Relationships Daily today, episode number 1977. I'm your host, Greg Audino, and this time we've got another listener question to tackle in place of reading an article like we do more often. I'll tell you more about how to submit a question of your own to the show in the outro, but for now, let's hear what this listener has to say and do our best to help her out as we optimize your life.

[00:00:55] My boyfriend and I have been in a long-distance relationship for two and a half years. He's in New York, and I'm in Florida. He comes to visit about a week out of the month, and six weeks straight for the summer. He has a more flexible job as he works remotely from home, and I work at a bank, which I've been with for 17 years. I've lived in my hometown my whole life, and my family is here.

[00:01:19] I also have two children, 13 years old and 10 years old. My question is, do I take a chance of throwing my long-term job away and leave my hometown of 39 years and move to where my boyfriend is and start building and moving forward with our lives? And let me say, I am a widow, as my husband and children's father passed away four years ago, so yes, the kids would obviously be coming with me.

[00:01:45] My kids are on board with it. I just struggle with leaving my current long-term job, as I've been my kids and my main support system for 13-plus years, and leaving my family. Any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Okay, thanks a lot for sending in your question, Asker. That's an awful lot of change on the table for you right now, and I can see the practical approach that you're naturally falling into.

[00:02:13] I can see why you're considering this from the standpoint of your job, the stability that comes with that, and the ability to provide for your kids. And there are definitely practical moves that you can make to find some clarity right now, too. You know, you could go up there for a week or a month and see how it feels. You could talk to him about moving down to you, which might be easier, given that his job is remote. And of course, you need to pay attention to what efforts he's willing to make for you, if need be.

[00:02:43] You could ensure that you get hired at a bank or somewhere similar up there before committing to a move. So, you know, these ideas and more can help you shuffle things around on the outside, which can go an awfully long way. And at the end of it all, your family would still be there for you in Florida if you need emotional support or if you choose to go back. So, you know, don't overlook your practical instincts here. They're good.

[00:03:12] But, you know, if you've been listening for a while, which it sounds like you have based on some of the other contents of your email, you know that I am not going to skip past the incredible amount of feelings underneath the surface right now. So let's talk about them. To me, what this is really about is the potential departure from safety and structure. The place, the people, and the work that have been such cornerstones for you for many years.

[00:03:43] All of which I can only assume you and your kids have come to rely on even more since your husband's passing. Amidst such devastating changes, it's often the steady mundanities of life continuing to remain in place that help us feel some sense of normality and comfort. And for this reason, I think it's vital for you to deeply question the roles that your town, your family, and your job are playing for you right now

[00:04:11] and how those roles match up against your feelings for your boyfriend. So first of all, do you stay put because you want to or because you're afraid not to? You know, do you love the town you're in? Do you love having family close by? Do you love your work? Or is it just more soothing to have them around? And in reality, they're really just crutches and have been since before or after your husband's passing.

[00:04:40] And mind you, it is very rare to be 100% on the people, places, and work in one's life. You know, it's impossible probably. If we were always moving things around in our lives until each of these categories had a perfect score, we'd probably spend very little time actually living and making meaningful sacrifices. But it is up to each of us to find the middle ground and ultimately be able to say, my life looks this way because I truly want it to.

[00:05:10] Or my life looks this way because I'm afraid to make changes. And it's messy. Some areas of life might look great. Others might be lacking and we need to address them. But we can basically boil it down to whether or not we are making active or reactive choices with the time we're given. Choices based in love or in fear. So try to get a sense of how much you actually want your current life to be the way it is

[00:05:37] versus how much you are leaning on the familiarity of it. And then think about how these feelings relate to your partner and the decision to move up to New York with him. So what about this guy? Be honest with yourself here. There's no wrong answer. If you thoroughly enjoy the life you have now, is your life for him enough that it's worth it for you and the kids to make this drastic change?

[00:06:02] When you imagine yourself with your absolute dream scenario Prince Charming, do you feel like you'd make these sacrifices with more confidence? Or would it still be complicated? Or are you considering making this change maybe just because it's been two and a half years and you just feel like you should? Or let's say the life you have for yourself right now is more reactive and you actually aren't that crazy about it, but rather are nervous to make changes.

[00:06:32] So there's nothing wrong with that. We've all found ourselves in this place before. But it doesn't mean that making any change is the right choice either. For example, if you are ambivalent about your life as it is, and you more look to it for a sense of safety, leaving it would not necessarily be the healthiest choice if you aren't truly in love with this man and simply want to just jolt yourself into feeling more alive or moving forward with your life,

[00:07:01] as you put it. Moving forward in life doesn't always have to be a big show in which you upheave everything. You can make meaningful inner changes while the outside scenery generally stays the same sometimes. But if you really do love him and it's only fear or maybe guilt that's holding you back, then perhaps the stars really are aligning for you to move into this next phase of your life.

[00:07:25] So needless to say, there's a lot to consider about your feelings regarding your life and your love. Are they what you want? Or are they just comfortable? And how all these pieces fit together. But as much as I hate to provide platitudes on this show, I will say I do think that this is a situation in which you can trust your intuition. Don't try to talk yourself out of your thoughts. You know, what's been going through your mind as you listen to all this?

[00:07:54] Is this guy truly great? Or are you convincing yourself that he is? Are you with him because you feel like he's a perfect match for you? Or because you just don't want to be alone? Are you and your kids really going to love this change? Or does it maybe feel like something that will replace any grieving you've left to do? And last thought, make no mistake, where you and your kids are at in your grieving process is worth a lot of reflection right now. It absolutely alters the complexion of this relationship,

[00:08:24] who you are as a partner, how your kids are growing up, and more. And this definitely is not to say that you all aren't ready for a new man in a new life. But how you're all responding to your husband's passing can really affect, I mean, how protective you are of your kids, how much you do or don't want the regular parts of your life to change, how you rebuild your future in a way you never thought you'd have to, how badly you want to be loved or admired or found attractive.

[00:08:54] The list goes on. So I do feel as though, if you're up for it and you haven't done so, that talking to a therapist or a grief counselor about this crossroads could be really helpful for you right now. Grief is just such a complicated thing, and it can certainly sneak up on the life choices that even the most mindful of us are making. Hey, it's Justin from Optimal Living Daily.

[00:09:21] Before we start, I want to share a super powerful practice I use called NSDR, or Non-Sleep Deep Rest. In just about 10 minutes or so, this Yoga Nidra practice leaves you feeling as refreshed as after a nap without actually sleeping. Experience it for yourself on our guided podcast. Search NSDR and look for the one from Optimal Living Daily. Okay, and thanks once more to The Asker for sending in this question today.

[00:09:49] As always, it is truly humbling to be trusted with questions like these, and inspiring also to see how many of you are doing the work that you need to do to tackle these very difficult situations that so many of us find ourselves in at any given moment. I appreciate you doing that work, Asker. And I appreciate the same in anyone choosing to reach out for help. So if you are listening right now and feel as though something is on your mind and it could benefit you to send your question into the show, it is highly encouraged.

[00:10:18] Just email it in to advice at oldpodcast.com. Advice at oldpodcast.com. You'll definitely hear back and I would love to talk with you. But that is going to bring us to the end for today, everyone. I appreciate you all being here and supporting our Asker in this tough time. And be sure to come on back tomorrow for more ORD content. That's where your optimal life awaits.