1979: Understanding Men: How to Avoid Non-Committal Guys & Other Heart-Breakers by Dr. Diana Kirschner of Love in 90 Days

[00:00:00] This is Optimal Relationships Daily, Episode 1979, Understanding Men, How to Avoid Non-Committal Guys and Other Heartbreakers by Dr. Diana Kirschner of Lovein90days.com Hello everybody, your host Greg Audino here. Thank you so much for tuning into ORD once again, and for trusting us to help you make strides in your relationships. Now today, we are going to take a look at an article that helps us to understand men a bit more.

[00:00:29] Certainly we aren't here to make any sweeping generalizations, but it is a good read for helping us to ask the right questions of both ourselves and others, I think. So let's get into it now, as we optimize your life. Understanding Men, How to Avoid Non-Committal Guys and Other Heartbreakers by Dr. Diana Kirschner of Lovein90days.com

[00:00:56] Understanding men is crucial in helping you avoid the non-committal guy, players, and other heartbreakers, so that you can finally create the love you want. It's also key for your own self-esteem and happiness. When you learn to clearly see and understand his patterns, you'll be able to handle a man who plays games. And even more crucial is that you can free yourself from second-guessing about what you did wrong whenever a relationship falls apart.

[00:01:23] By better understanding the men you date, you will be able to let go of thoughts like, I should have told him how much I enjoyed the concert he picked out, and that I would love to go again. That's why he's not texting. My thighs are so big, and I wore that clingy dress. That's what turned him off. He broke it off because I am old, needy, successful, have kids, am fat, etc.

[00:01:46] When we don't understand our partner's minds and things blow up, it is ultra easy to go into knee-jerk negative self-blame. It ended because of something I said or did, or something I didn't say or do. Understanding men can liberate us from these self-blaming thoughts. Instead, we can more easily say and understand, It's not just about me. It's about him and his issues. Study like an anthropologist

[00:02:13] In order to have this kind of emotional freedom in dating, it's important to be like an anthropologist in the world of men. To study them and understand their unique qualities and attributes. You need to suspend judgment about what a man ought to be like. We expect a lot, based on fairy tales, rom-coms, and the media. The all-perfect prince is supposed to come along and sweep us away to the magic kingdom of love. But real life is not a fairy tale or a movie. There are no perfect guys.

[00:02:43] Of course, you also need to examine your own self-sabotaging dating patterns and be on top of them. Understanding yourself is critical for your own growth. But beyond that, I want you to get the importance of understanding men. Sometimes a guy is so entrenched in his dating game issues that he will act the same way with most any woman. He's caught in a behavioral loop, an unconscious program he's totally unaware of that's running his mind.

[00:03:10] Chances are he will play out the same scenario with the next six women he dates. If he's truly caught in his own dead-end dating loop, there is nothing you can do to change him. Not even you can succeed. I know what you were just thinking. What should you look for? Here are nine key questions to ask yourself on your journey to understanding men. Number one, what does he say about the possibility of real love, you or women in general? If he is very negative and pessimistic, this is not a good thing.

[00:03:40] Number two, how does he talk about his past relationships? Read between the lines here. Does he carry lots of negativity towards his ex? Can he tell you what he did wrong in the relationship? Even if he was dealing with a crazy woman, chances are he was not perfect. But if he totally blames his ex, he may be a narcissist who breaks your heart. Number three, what can you notice that reveals how he thinks about his own future in terms of a long-term relationship or marriage?

[00:04:10] Does he ever mention this? If not, this could be a negative sign for commitment. Number four, how does he describe other couples? If a friend of his is getting married, is he cynical? Does he describe his married buddies as trapped in some way? This could mean he is a non-committal type. Number five, does he say it would take a good three to four years to know if a person is ready to be with someone? Again, this could be another sign of an inability to commit.

[00:04:39] Number six, does he say love never lasts? If so, it might be time to cut your losses. Number seven, do you see him ogling other women? If so, he might be a player. Number eight, did his parents stay married? And if so, how does he describe their relationship? If divorced, did they remarry successfully? Do they go to church? These signs are more positive.

[00:05:05] And number nine, does he have any role models who have shown him what a good marriage is like? This could be very telling about his readiness for lasting love. Is he willing to grow? The next step is to find out if a guy is willing to grow and work on his issues. If he's self-reflective, willing to take advice, in a growth course, being coached or in therapy, he is showing signs of working on himself. You may meet an older or more evolved man who has grown beyond his self-sabotage,

[00:05:35] leaving only traces of it in his current life. If a guy has a few dead-end dating patterns, yet he's working on himself and crazy about you, he may become a great partner for you. Once again, no man is perfect. But then, of course, neither are you. The question is how much does this man want to have love? That is, love with you in his life. And what is he willing to do or change to have that special, lasting experience? The Program of Three

[00:06:03] In the very beginning of a relationship, it may be very hard or even impossible to know for sure if a guy is caught in any one dead-end dating pattern. Many of the patterns start out with a perfectly great opening phase. This is another important reason why it's a powerful protective step for you to go on what I call the dating program of three. The idea is that you see three guys at the same time, without getting too involved initially. I know, you can't even find one good guy to date.

[00:06:32] But you can remedy that by using the tips in Love in 90 Days. If you use the dating program of three, you can see the guys' romantic patterns more easily. Plus, by going slowly, you'll be able to see each one's dead-end dating patterns emerge. Go with your gut In understanding men, it is key to ask yourself the questions we've covered today, and simply go with your gut. But your intuition will tell you the truth about a guy. You can see clearly when it's time to stay and work on the relationship,

[00:07:02] or when it's time to cut your losses and go. You just listened to the post titled, Understanding Men, How to Avoid Noncommittal Guys and Other Heartbreakers, by Dr. Diana Kirshner of LoveIn90Days.com And thanks so much to Dr. Diana! Now, one fresh perspective to consider is this analogy of studying men like an anthropologist. That was good.

[00:07:30] So she's saying that by suspending judgment and setting aside unrealistic expectations, individuals can gain a more accurate understanding of the unique qualities and attributes of the men they date. And this is good. Because as the article correctly points out, real life relationships are not perfect, and that expecting a flawless partner can lead to a lot of disappointment. Understanding that no one is perfect allows individuals to focus on finding a compatible partner,

[00:08:00] rather than searching for an idealized Prince Charming. Not to mention, this more objective look at people can help us to provide ourselves with the same forgiveness, understanding, and lack of expectation. Needless to say, when these things are lacking, and we're not loving ourselves as much, it's awfully hard to attract and love others too. But with that, we are going to wrap up another episode of ORD everyone. Thank you so much for coming and making another episode possible.

[00:08:30] Enjoy your day, and be sure to come back again tomorrow for yet another post. That's where your optimal life awaits.