2822: Perfectly Hidden Depression (AKA Trauma-Based Perfectionism): Four Basic Ways To Heal by Dr. Margaret Rutherford

[00:00:00] [SPEAKER_00] Du liegst in der Badewanne und hörst deinen Podcast, doch hui, das Plätschern des Wassers wird zum Meeresrauschen und plötzlich fliegst du in den Süden. Ägypten, Kanaren, Griechenland, Türkei, Karibik. Der warme Sand zwischen den Zehen und kühles Getränk in der Hand und die Sonne auf der Haut. Nicht träumen, Altus buchen. Alles drin, alles gut, alles für dich. Altus, alles aber günstig. Jetzt im Reisebüro oder auf altus.de.

[00:00:29] [SPEAKER_01] Before we start, please check out our new podcast, Good Sleep. Have you ever noticed how a calm mind can really set the stage for a good night's sleep? That's the idea behind our new podcast, Good Sleep. Greg, our host from Optimal Relationships Daily, is here to help ease you into a peaceful night's rest with some positive affirmations. And these affirmations aren't just comforting, they can help ease anxiety and nurture positive thoughts, setting you up for true good sleep.

[00:00:55] [SPEAKER_01] So press play on Good Sleep tonight, because a good tomorrow starts with a good night's sleep. Just search for Good Sleep in your podcast app and be sure to pick the one from Optimal Living Daily. This is Optimal Living Daily episode 2822, Perfectly Hidden Depression, aka Trauma-Based Perfectionism, Four Basic Ways to Heal by Dr. Margaret Rutherford of drmargaretrutherford.com.

[00:01:21] [SPEAKER_01] And I'm Justin Mollick, your very own personal narrator. Welcome to Optimal Living Daily, OLD for short, where I read the best articles to you with permission from the authors, covering productivity, minimalism, happiness, personal development, all that fun stuff. So with that, let's get right to today's post and start optimizing your life.

[00:01:44] [SPEAKER_01] Perfectly Hidden Depression, aka Trauma-Based Perfectionism, Four Basic Ways to Heal by Dr. Margaret Rutherford of drmargaretrutherford.com. I'd like for you to introduce me to someone. The person is not a stranger. You've gone to bed with them every night for years. They're right there waiting for you when you wake up in the morning as you rub the sleep out of your eyes and face another day of trying to achieve perfection. You spend all day with them, every day.

[00:02:12] [SPEAKER_01] This person is you, or at least the part of you that stays hidden. The you who cannot reveal or express emotional pain. The you who camouflages any perceived vulnerabilities with a shield of perfectionism. The less than perfect you from which you constantly run. What made you start hiding this part of you? As a means of survival, of avoiding being hit or ignored or mocked, you adapted.

[00:02:41] [SPEAKER_01] Maybe you had an alcoholic parent, or there wasn't enough food in the house. Maybe you had a family where no one ever talked about anything sad or painful, especially not when dad would sneak into your bedroom at night and you were told to stay quiet. Or when mom would emotionally fall apart and it was your job to prop her up. Maybe the praise you did get was for what you accomplished. If you didn't make the highest score, then came withdrawal or uneasy silence.

[00:03:07] [SPEAKER_01] Maybe you felt invisible and you strived for affirmation by becoming highly successful. The message from your family or from your culture was absolutely clear. Your job was to please, to accomplish, and to keep your own pain to yourself. So you began stowing away troubled, confusing experiences and donned the camouflage of the perfect looking life, crafting a face that you'd allow the world to see. You've now become someone who needs to look completely put together.

[00:03:36] [SPEAKER_01] You're very successful as you work to stay in control. You're a great friend to all. The face you show to the world is happy. You've got a loving family, a good job, and a life that appears extremely stable. If life has handed you struggles, you've come through them like a champ. That other part of you. Yet there's another you, the you no one knows. The one that remembers the hurt and pain you experienced. Sometimes you don't want to believe it's there. You may actually deny its presence.

[00:04:06] [SPEAKER_01] You may be so disconnected from pain, you've completely detached from that you. Yet in a brief moment of quiet, if you wonder why you become anxious and feel the need to get busy doing something, or if your gut whispers that something seems wrong, you may shame yourself for not counting the many blessings in your life, or demean yourself for not being grateful. What is perfectly hidden depression? I call this way of being perfectly hidden depression.

[00:04:35] [SPEAKER_01] It's depression, all right. There's self-loathing, fatigue, shame, worry, sadness, sleep problems, even possibly suicidal thoughts. But these are very skillfully covered up. It's trauma-based perfectionism. If indeed you seek therapy, you might even be able to relate your story of that trauma without shedding a tear, as matter-of-factly as if you were sharing your grocery list. You know it's there, but you don't feel it.

[00:05:04] [SPEAKER_01] How is perfectly hidden depression different than the classic presentation of depression? Perfectly hidden depression isn't a psychiatric diagnosis. It's a syndrome of behaviors and beliefs that mask depression. It looks different than classic depression. For example, one of the two major features of classic depression is anhedonia, which is the diagnostic term for a lack of pleasure in or apathy toward previously pleasurable activities.

[00:05:33] [SPEAKER_01] If you're a person who's perfectly hiding your depression, you don't look like that at all. You're the popular coach of the soccer team, the chairperson of the PTO, or the one organizing the neighborhood potluck. You're everywhere, doing, volunteering, and filling needs in the community or church. No one even suspects your depression. Perhaps not even you. If you're hiding, you can stop. It takes breaking a lifelong habit. It involves emotional risk.

[00:06:03] [SPEAKER_01] Vulnerability is a must. So why do it? Why risk it? Because eventually, loneliness and despair can infiltrate your life in ways you can no longer control. And that can lead to tragedy. What can you do? Four steps to begin to work with your perfectionism. Number one, you can challenge the belief that focusing on yourself is selfish. As someone recently told me, I can't be in the center ring.

[00:06:30] [SPEAKER_01] You focus so long on the needs of others, you're convinced even good self-care is selfish. Realizing that self-awareness is far different from selfishness is a must. Number two, you can risk telling someone about this other you. I'll often hear, I can talk to you because I know you can't legally tell anyone about it. That's fine by me. Therapy is a great place to start risking and learning how to connect with your emotions safely.

[00:06:57] [SPEAKER_01] But often, one person will come to mind that you could risk telling, and one person is a great start. Number three, realize that the childhood strategy you created to emotionally survive is now self-destructive. Your strategy to look perfect worked great as a child. Now it's keeping you pressured, anxious, always on and available for others, but not seen.

[00:07:22] [SPEAKER_01] You can choose to identify and replace this strategy with one that works for you now. And number four, accept that change may be difficult. Your world is built on you performing at your peak all the time for everyone else. Changing that can be difficult at first. Others may resist you changing or not know how to take the new you. Risking vulnerability is very hard when you're an expert at being stoic and silent.

[00:07:50] [SPEAKER_01] It's up to you whether or not you come out of hiding. I hope you do. I and others would like to meet you. The real you. You just listened to the post titled, Perfectly Hidden Depression, aka Trauma-Based Perfectionism, Four Basic Ways to Heal, by Dr. Margaret Rutherford of drmargaretrutherford.com. As a small business owner, you never clock out, and neither does LinkedIn Jobs.

[00:08:19] [SPEAKER_01] While you're running your business, LinkedIn Jobs is running a powerful search for your next great hire. We've been lucky finding our team here at Optimal Living Daily, and I think LinkedIn Jobs would have taken luck out of the equation, finding us the best quickly. Post your job for free or pay to promote, and let their intelligent matching system connect you with candidates who align with your company's needs. Their new feature helps craft the perfect job description in minutes, putting your opportunity in front of qualified talent that matters.

[00:08:48] [SPEAKER_01] Want to amplify your reach? Add a hashtag hiring frame to your profile picture to double your qualified applicants, or upgrade to a promoted post for three times more qualified candidates. The results speak for themselves. Approximately 72% of small and medium-sized businesses on LinkedIn say that LinkedIn helps them find high-quality candidates. Post your job for free at linkedin.com slash selection.

[00:09:14] [SPEAKER_01] That's linkedin.com slash selection to post your job for free. Terms and conditions apply. Thank you to Dr. Margaret. An important one, I think, because it can be extra tough for perfectionists, specifically, to see this as a possibility in their lives. So I definitely border on perfectionist tendencies, if not completely. I don't really know where the line is. But anyway, from my experience,

[00:09:40] [SPEAKER_01] I can say that going through something like this that she proposed would not be easy, but at the same time, really important. And I think there are great suggestions here. It doesn't necessarily need to be formal therapy right away to begin with. Here in the U.S., it can be difficult, not only because it can be cost prohibitive, but just finding the right therapist or counselor for you. That takes time and can be a long process of trial and error. So possibly starting with someone you trust

[00:10:09] [SPEAKER_01] can be a nice way to test the waters. And if that's not for you, even the other small steps mentioned that take place within yourself can help. So thank you again to Dr. Margaret for this one. Thank you for being here. Hope you're having a great morning, afternoon, or evening, whenever you're listening to this. And I'll see you tomorrow where your optimal life awaits.