2925: Self-Compassion: A Powerful Tool For Wellbeing by Kate Hesse on How to Be More Kind to Yourself

[00:00:00] [SPEAKER_00]: This is Optimal Living Daily, Episode 2925, Self-Compassion, A Powerful Tool For Wellbeing by Kate Hesse of nourrishnestbreed.com and I'm Justin Malik.

[00:00:12] [SPEAKER_00]: We're going to get right to it today and start optimizing your life.

[00:00:19] [SPEAKER_00]: Self-Compassion, A Powerful Tool For Wellbeing by Kate Hesse of nourrishnestbreed.com

[00:00:27] [SPEAKER_00]: From childhood, we're encouraged to be kind. Treat others the way we want to be treated ourselves.

[00:00:34] [SPEAKER_00]: However, we rarely hear how incredibly important it is to turn that kindness back onto ourselves.

[00:00:41] [SPEAKER_00]: Self-Compassion is affording yourself the same grace and understanding you give to others.

[00:00:47] [SPEAKER_00]: Stop SHOULDING all over yourself.

[00:00:50] [SPEAKER_00]: I have an amazing yoga teacher who often reminds students to stop SHOULDING all over themselves.

[00:00:57] [SPEAKER_00]: Right, yes it does sound an awful lot like a slightly more colorful expression and it's one of my life mantras.

[00:01:05] [SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes I find myself feeling overwhelmed by a to-do list which only seems to grow longer.

[00:01:11] [SPEAKER_00]: Then my critical inner voice pipes up,

[00:01:13] [SPEAKER_00]: I should be able to do more today. I should have these things taken care of.

[00:01:19] [SPEAKER_00]: I should be doing better than this.

[00:01:22] [SPEAKER_00]: When I start hearing those SHOULDS, I take a deep breath, remind myself to stop SHOULDING all over myself

[00:01:28] [SPEAKER_00]: and then I put the list face down and go do something really nice and indulgent for myself to refill my cup.

[00:01:35] [SPEAKER_00]: And make sure you keep your teacup filled.

[00:01:38] [SPEAKER_00]: I want you to imagine you're holding a beautiful teacup sitting in a lovely saucer.

[00:01:42] [SPEAKER_00]: You're pouring tea into the cup from a teapot.

[00:01:46] [SPEAKER_00]: You're pouring so much tea into the cup that it's spilling over and filling the saucer.

[00:01:52] [SPEAKER_00]: What you have to give to others? That's the tea in the saucer.

[00:01:56] [SPEAKER_00]: The tea in the teacup, that's what you keep for yourself.

[00:02:00] [SPEAKER_00]: When I start hearing my inner critic chime in, it usually means I've drained my saucer

[00:02:04] [SPEAKER_00]: and my teacup is emptying as well.

[00:02:08] [SPEAKER_00]: Be your own best friend.

[00:02:10] [SPEAKER_00]: I love the way Glen and Doyle in Love Warrior puts this often-heard piece of advice, quote,

[00:02:16] [SPEAKER_00]: Treat yourself like someone you love.

[00:02:18] [SPEAKER_00]: Listen to what you want and need and give it to yourself.

[00:02:22] [SPEAKER_00]: Be your own friend, end quote.

[00:02:25] [SPEAKER_00]: If your friend came to you and said she felt overwhelmed by her to-do list,

[00:02:29] [SPEAKER_00]: she was tired and worn out and just couldn't seem to make headway,

[00:02:33] [SPEAKER_00]: what would you say?

[00:02:34] [SPEAKER_00]: I know I would never talk to her the way I sometimes let my inner critic talk to me.

[00:02:39] [SPEAKER_00]: I would suggest my friend carve out some time ASAP for a little self-care

[00:02:44] [SPEAKER_00]: that she'd be compassionate with herself.

[00:02:47] [SPEAKER_00]: I'd encourage her to remember that we're all human, not superhuman,

[00:02:50] [SPEAKER_00]: and no one can do it all.

[00:02:53] [SPEAKER_00]: And I would remind her that it's okay to let something slide today

[00:02:57] [SPEAKER_00]: if it means making time to restore yourself so you're ready to tackle them tomorrow.

[00:03:03] [SPEAKER_00]: Quieting your inner critic.

[00:03:05] [SPEAKER_00]: If you're like me, your inner critic may have a lot to say.

[00:03:08] [SPEAKER_00]: She doesn't only tell me about what I should or shouldn't be doing,

[00:03:12] [SPEAKER_00]: she also likes to remind me of what I am and am not.

[00:03:15] [SPEAKER_00]: She knows all my insecurities and likes to pray on them when she finds a weak moment.

[00:03:21] [SPEAKER_00]: And once I let her start talking, it becomes much harder to get her to stop.

[00:03:26] [SPEAKER_00]: But I found two things which make a big difference.

[00:03:28] [SPEAKER_00]: The first is keeping my cup full.

[00:03:32] [SPEAKER_00]: When I'm feeling my best, rested, nourished, relaxed at ease,

[00:03:37] [SPEAKER_00]: it's a lot harder for my inner critic to control the conversation.

[00:03:41] [SPEAKER_00]: The second is becoming more aware of what my inner critic sounds like

[00:03:45] [SPEAKER_00]: so once I hear her start talking,

[00:03:47] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm able to react before she begins to dominate the conversation.

[00:03:52] [SPEAKER_00]: Here's a secret about your inner critic.

[00:03:54] [SPEAKER_00]: She's a scared kid who's worried no one likes her, that she's being judged

[00:03:58] [SPEAKER_00]: and that she doesn't fit in.

[00:04:01] [SPEAKER_00]: She's one of the voices of your fear, trying to keep you safe

[00:04:04] [SPEAKER_00]: by avoiding anything that feels like too much.

[00:04:08] [SPEAKER_00]: So try treating her just like you would any other scared kid.

[00:04:12] [SPEAKER_00]: Give her a mental hug.

[00:04:14] [SPEAKER_00]: Reassure her that she's loved, that she's safe

[00:04:17] [SPEAKER_00]: and that everything is going to be okay.

[00:04:20] [SPEAKER_00]: Meditation, yoga, journaling and other forms of self-care and self-work

[00:04:25] [SPEAKER_00]: are incredibly helpful in quieting your inner critic.

[00:04:30] [SPEAKER_00]: The fine line between self-compassion and procrastination.

[00:04:34] [SPEAKER_00]: It's important to be aware of the fine line

[00:04:37] [SPEAKER_00]: between self-compassion and procrastination.

[00:04:40] [SPEAKER_00]: When you find yourself avoiding certain things,

[00:04:42] [SPEAKER_00]: try to look at them objectively.

[00:04:44] [SPEAKER_00]: Are you avoiding them because you truly don't have enough tea

[00:04:48] [SPEAKER_00]: in your saucer or teacup to deal with them?

[00:04:50] [SPEAKER_00]: Or are you avoiding them because they're edgy and uncomfortable?

[00:04:55] [SPEAKER_00]: Feeling depleted is a great reason for self-compassion,

[00:04:59] [SPEAKER_00]: for allowing yourself to recharge.

[00:05:01] [SPEAKER_00]: But tackling those edgy and uncomfortable things,

[00:05:04] [SPEAKER_00]: that's where the magic happens.

[00:05:06] [SPEAKER_00]: In house of yoga, we often take poses to the edge and hold them.

[00:05:10] [SPEAKER_00]: You shouldn't feel pain, but in going to your edge

[00:05:13] [SPEAKER_00]: and then staying there, finding the ease in an uneasy pose,

[00:05:17] [SPEAKER_00]: be able to stretch, to grow,

[00:05:20] [SPEAKER_00]: to reach places you didn't think you could before.

[00:05:23] [SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes literally, you might be able to reach your toes

[00:05:26] [SPEAKER_00]: when a few months before, you couldn't.

[00:05:29] [SPEAKER_00]: But often it's metaphorical.

[00:05:31] [SPEAKER_00]: If you can stay in the edgy and uncomfortable place during your asana,

[00:05:35] [SPEAKER_00]: you can do it in the rest of your life as well.

[00:05:38] [SPEAKER_00]: Things that once seemed too scary,

[00:05:40] [SPEAKER_00]: start to look a little more doable.

[00:05:43] [SPEAKER_00]: Where all works in progress.

[00:05:46] [SPEAKER_00]: I saw a post on social media recently which said

[00:05:48] [SPEAKER_00]: something along the lines of,

[00:05:50] [SPEAKER_00]: I teach what I need to learn.

[00:05:53] [SPEAKER_00]: This blog post is a prime example of that.

[00:05:55] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm a work in progress.

[00:05:57] [SPEAKER_00]: There are times when my inner critic starts chattering away

[00:06:00] [SPEAKER_00]: and dominates my inner dialogue,

[00:06:03] [SPEAKER_00]: spending hours or days criticizing me.

[00:06:06] [SPEAKER_00]: And there are also times when I allow myself

[00:06:08] [SPEAKER_00]: to procrastinate under the guise of self-compassion.

[00:06:11] [SPEAKER_00]: Today is a great example of that.

[00:06:14] [SPEAKER_00]: I didn't sleep well last night,

[00:06:15] [SPEAKER_00]: I woke up tired and it was snowing.

[00:06:18] [SPEAKER_00]: So I let myself curl up on the sofa

[00:06:20] [SPEAKER_00]: and read for a few hours this morning

[00:06:22] [SPEAKER_00]: instead of practicing my asana

[00:06:24] [SPEAKER_00]: or getting back to work

[00:06:25] [SPEAKER_00]: or taking care of a dozen other things on my to-do list.

[00:06:29] [SPEAKER_00]: I tried to tell myself it was compassionate.

[00:06:32] [SPEAKER_00]: I was tired.

[00:06:33] [SPEAKER_00]: But really, I know I'd feel more energized

[00:06:36] [SPEAKER_00]: not less if I did my asana.

[00:06:39] [SPEAKER_00]: I just wanted to have a snow day.

[00:06:40] [SPEAKER_00]: So I got another opportunity to practice more self-compassion.

[00:06:45] [SPEAKER_00]: Instead of letting my inner critic start criticizing me for procrastinating,

[00:06:49] [SPEAKER_00]: I took a few deep breaths, let the morning go

[00:06:52] [SPEAKER_00]: and refocused myself for the rest of the day.

[00:06:56] [SPEAKER_00]: Learning what your inner critic sounds like.

[00:06:59] [SPEAKER_00]: The critical voice inside your head may not sound like mine.

[00:07:03] [SPEAKER_00]: We each have our own stories we carry with us.

[00:07:06] [SPEAKER_00]: Your critical voice will be talking to you

[00:07:08] [SPEAKER_00]: from the book of your stories.

[00:07:09] [SPEAKER_00]: What's important is you learn to recognize that voice.

[00:07:14] [SPEAKER_00]: Just like your critical voice will be unique to you,

[00:07:17] [SPEAKER_00]: the tools to help you recognize and quiet that voice

[00:07:20] [SPEAKER_00]: will also be what works for you.

[00:07:22] [SPEAKER_00]: Once you can hear the critical voice in your head

[00:07:25] [SPEAKER_00]: as something other than the truth,

[00:07:27] [SPEAKER_00]: you can begin to turn your attention elsewhere

[00:07:29] [SPEAKER_00]: focusing instead on what you truly need

[00:07:32] [SPEAKER_00]: and remembering that self-compassion

[00:07:34] [SPEAKER_00]: is an essential part of achieving balance

[00:07:37] [SPEAKER_00]: and well-being.

[00:07:43] [SPEAKER_00]: You just listened to the post titled

[00:07:44] [SPEAKER_00]: Self-Compassion, a Powerful Tool for Well-Being

[00:07:48] [SPEAKER_00]: by Kates of nourishnestbreathe.com

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[00:09:05] [SPEAKER_00]: Thank you, Katie.

[00:09:07] [SPEAKER_00]: I'd like to take a part of this a little further.

[00:09:10] [SPEAKER_00]: One little experiment that could be helpful for you

[00:09:13] [SPEAKER_00]: is to think about your favorite people in life.

[00:09:16] [SPEAKER_00]: And if you're struggling with that

[00:09:17] [SPEAKER_00]: or looking for a new circle of friends,

[00:09:20] [SPEAKER_00]: imagine who that friend might be.

[00:09:22] [SPEAKER_00]: Really try to picture them.

[00:09:24] [SPEAKER_00]: So this is either your current favorite person

[00:09:26] [SPEAKER_00]: that you know or that great friend

[00:09:29] [SPEAKER_00]: you might have in the future.

[00:09:31] [SPEAKER_00]: See them in your mind.

[00:09:32] [SPEAKER_00]: What do they look like?

[00:09:34] [SPEAKER_00]: What are they wearing?

[00:09:35] [SPEAKER_00]: How do they talk to you?

[00:09:37] [SPEAKER_00]: And what do they say?

[00:09:39] [SPEAKER_00]: If there's something going on in your life right now

[00:09:41] [SPEAKER_00]: that you're trying to resolve, I'm sure there's something.

[00:09:44] [SPEAKER_00]: Imagine asking this person what they think.

[00:09:47] [SPEAKER_00]: What might they say?

[00:09:49] [SPEAKER_00]: You might see where I'm going with this.

[00:09:50] [SPEAKER_00]: It's really you talking to yourself,

[00:09:52] [SPEAKER_00]: possibly to an imaginary friend which is totally fine

[00:09:55] [SPEAKER_00]: and I think actually quite helpful

[00:09:57] [SPEAKER_00]: because that's how we really should be treating ourselves

[00:10:00] [SPEAKER_00]: as a really great friend.

[00:10:02] [SPEAKER_00]: Not one that's constantly criticizing

[00:10:05] [SPEAKER_00]: or stomping all over us.

[00:10:07] [SPEAKER_00]: Next time you're feeling down or self-critical

[00:10:09] [SPEAKER_00]: or anything along those lines,

[00:10:11] [SPEAKER_00]: come back to this friend.

[00:10:13] [SPEAKER_00]: Imagine them and try to come from that angle instead

[00:10:16] [SPEAKER_00]: and see what they say.

[00:10:19] [SPEAKER_00]: I hope that helps.

[00:10:20] [SPEAKER_00]: But with that have a great rest of your day

[00:10:22] [SPEAKER_00]: hopefully with no criticizing

[00:10:23] [SPEAKER_00]: and I'll see you tomorrow where your optimal life awaits.