2944: A Happiness Backlash by Emily Wise Miller with Live Happy on Positive Psychology

[00:00:00] This is Optimal Living Daily, Episode 2944, A Happiness Backlash by Emily Wise Miller with

[00:00:07] LiveHappy.com and I'm your narrator Justin Malik, the guy that reads blogs or articles

[00:00:12] to you every day of the year.

[00:00:14] That includes weekends and holidays.

[00:00:17] And we'll get right to our next post as we optimize your life.

[00:00:25] A Happiness Backlash by Emily Wise Miller with LiveHappy.com

[00:00:31] Is the happiness movement creating a league of shallow people and over-indulged kids?

[00:00:37] Lately there has been an explosion in both the science and celebration of happiness as

[00:00:41] well as the focus on the tools we can use to help ourselves and those around us gain

[00:00:46] a better sense of well-being.

[00:00:48] You might say that happiness is in the air, in bestselling books, loads of articles,

[00:00:52] and even our own magazine and website.

[00:00:55] And of course, it is now also stuck in everyone's heads thanks to Pharrell's ubiquitous

[00:00:59] song.

[00:01:00] It's not surprising then that this critical mass surrounding positivity and an emphasis

[00:01:05] on happiness at home and in the workplace is producing something of a backlash.

[00:01:10] After all, a focus on happiness can come across as saccharine and shallow.

[00:01:15] But boiling down the tenets of happiness to a search for hedonistic pleasure would

[00:01:19] be a huge misreading of the movement.

[00:01:22] Happy Overload Last week columnist David Brooks came out

[00:01:26] with a piece in the New York Times suggesting that instead of seeking to avoid suffering

[00:01:30] by being happy, we should embrace it as an opportunity for growth.

[00:01:36] While beautifully written and cogenously argued, I think it misses the point.

[00:01:39] Over the past few weeks he says, quote, I found myself in a bunch of conversations in

[00:01:44] which the unspoken assumption was that the main goal of life is to maximize happiness

[00:01:49] end quote.

[00:01:50] But with all this focus on happiness, says Brooks, we are missing out on the true

[00:01:55] growth that occurs when we embrace, instead of avoid, suffering.

[00:02:00] Being happy does not mean avoiding suffering.

[00:02:04] Happiness wants you to think about maximizing your benefits, Brooks says, whereas, quote, difficulty

[00:02:09] in suffering sends you on a different course.

[00:02:12] Suffering drags you deeper into yourself and, quote, gives people a more accurate

[00:02:16] sense of their own limitations, end quote.

[00:02:19] He gives a mocking example of what he imagines a happiness expert might advise

[00:02:23] someone who is suffering.

[00:02:24] Well, I'm feeling a lot of pain over the loss of my child.

[00:02:27] I should try to balance my hedonic account by going to a lot of parties and whooping

[00:02:31] it up.

[00:02:33] But finding or embracing happiness does not mean whooping it up to forget our sorrows.

[00:02:38] Divorce, death, illness, injury, we will all experience suffering.

[00:02:44] What's important is not to arrange your life so that you never take risks or

[00:02:47] keep away from those under the weight of suffering or tragedy.

[00:02:51] What's important is how you bounce back, grow and help others recover and rebound after going

[00:02:57] through a turbulent time.

[00:02:59] The tools of positive psychology, gratitude, compassion, resilience, optimism are indispensable

[00:03:06] when it comes to recovering from trauma.

[00:03:08] Raising Happy Kids

[00:03:11] On April 16th, an article on the Huffington Post by Richard Weisbord, a lecturer at

[00:03:16] the Harvard School of Education and associate professor Stephanie Jones offered a similar

[00:03:20] critique, this time suggesting that, quote, buying this relentless focus on happiness is

[00:03:26] an intense focus on the self and that, quote, happiness doesn't automatically lead to goodness.

[00:03:31] End quote.

[00:03:32] Exactly.

[00:03:33] In fact, happiness research has shown that it is the other way around that being kind,

[00:03:39] compassionate and giving to others actually makes us happy.

[00:03:44] The article continues, quote, with parents and kids, this focus on happiness and the self

[00:03:49] has real consequences.

[00:03:51] Kids are allowed to skip out on obligations to teams and groups because participation

[00:03:55] no longer makes them happy.

[00:03:57] They are free or even encouraged to drop friends who are annoying, weird or just not fun

[00:04:03] and they sometimes treat the adults in their lives like staff or as invisible, neglecting

[00:04:07] to thank them or show appreciation, end quote.

[00:04:10] Again, I would argue that the authors have it backward.

[00:04:14] An increasing number of studies show that raising happy, well-adjusted kids requires

[00:04:19] a focus on responsibility and respect among other attributes which then leads to wellbeing

[00:04:25] and happiness.

[00:04:28] Responsibility and respect build self-esteem.

[00:04:31] In fact, the authors echo many happiness experts in the themes of our own acts of

[00:04:35] happiness campaign when they write that we need to model behavior for our children by,

[00:04:40] quote, contributing to our communities, taking action against injustice, making even small

[00:04:46] sacrifices regularly for friends and neighbors, end quote.

[00:04:49] They continue by saying, quote, the data suggests that moral and caring kids tend to be happier

[00:04:55] kids and adults, end quote, with a link to the author's own research and book.

[00:04:59] But that same conclusion has also come out of the positive psychology camp with

[00:05:04] its emphasis on the meaning life as the most important attribute of happy people.

[00:05:09] According to leading positive psychologist Martin E.P. Seligman in A Meaningful Life,

[00:05:13] quote, meaning is increased through our connections to others, future generations or causes that

[00:05:19] transcend the self.

[00:05:21] From a positive psychology perspective, meaning consists of knowing what your highest strengths

[00:05:26] are and then using them to belong to and serve something you believe is larger than

[00:05:31] the self, end quote.

[00:05:33] Look beyond the smiley face.

[00:05:36] I understand the temptation to recoil and play devil's advocate in the face of all this

[00:05:40] glowing positivity, giving rise to books like Barbara Ehrenreich's Bright Sided, How Positive

[00:05:46] Thinking is Undermining America, and Oliver Bergman's The Antidote, Happiness for People

[00:05:51] Who Can't Stand Positive Thinking.

[00:05:53] After all, we are critically thinking, doubting, sometimes suffering people who could

[00:05:58] do without a bunch of easy, cheesy homilies and kumbaya drum circles to tell us how to

[00:06:03] feel.

[00:06:04] But don't throw the baby out with the bathwater.

[00:06:07] A focus on how we can make ourselves and others happier, including science-based recommendations

[00:06:12] for increasing our well-being does not entail steering clear of suffering, nor does it

[00:06:17] mean going to more parties or letting your kids do whatever they want.

[00:06:21] The critics have a point in the sense that a singular focus on happiness can seem

[00:06:25] to gloss over some of the deeper and more painful aspects of our personalities, but

[00:06:30] they need to read further than the titles of articles and, according to Brooks, the quote

[00:06:35] more than 1,000 books released on Amazon on that subject, happiness end quote, in one

[00:06:40] three month period.

[00:06:42] The pursuit of happiness is easy to poke fun at, but if we think less about ourselves

[00:06:47] and more about our connections to others in the community and the world, the closer

[00:06:51] we'll get to that goal.

[00:06:57] Let's just listen to the post titled, A Happiness Backlash by Emily Weismiller with livehappy.com

[00:07:03] If they get Emily and the team at Live Happy, I think I agree with what she's saying here.

[00:07:09] There's a lot of complaining that in the name of happiness, kids, more people in

[00:07:13] general are allowed to do whatever they want, which can lead to disrespect, etc.

[00:07:18] But if we really were focusing on trying to be more happy, we would look at it

[00:07:22] from a different angle, basically what Emily said, teaching and showing respect, treating

[00:07:27] others how we want to be treated, giving more with no expectations of something in return

[00:07:32] and so on, which then would likely lead to more happiness.

[00:07:36] So the complaints feel a bit out of line, doesn't seem like the actual issue is the pursuit

[00:07:41] of happiness itself, but more like the way some go about it or define it.

[00:07:46] I suspect also since you are listening to this podcast that you don't see a problem

[00:07:50] with looking for more happiness and that you can discover new tools, ideas, inspiration

[00:07:56] and motivation to help you be happy more often without trying to completely avoid suffering

[00:08:01] necessarily.

[00:08:02] So I might be preaching to the choir, but in any case, I think it was a great point

[00:08:06] of view especially since there are a lot of anti-personal development sort of takes

[00:08:10] on this or dismissing these kinds of things because they're too fluffy or something.

[00:08:15] Personal development or self-help can be seen in that way and mocked even, but

[00:08:18] hey I think I've improved in different ways from it and I'm not ashamed to talk

[00:08:21] about it.

[00:08:22] I hope you have improved in some ways too and are also open to share it with others.

[00:08:27] Maybe they'll realize it's not as woo-woo as they think.

[00:08:30] So on that note, have a happy rest of your day and I'll see you back here tomorrow.

[00:08:34] We're optimal life.

[00:08:35] Oh wait.