2963: [Part 1] The Want To vs Have To Ratio by Helene Massicotte of Free to Pursue on Taking Ownership of Your Life

[00:00:00] This is Optimal Living Daily, episode 2963, The Want To vs Have To Ratio, Part 1, by Helene Massicotte of Free2Pursue.com

[00:00:10] And I'm Justin Malik.

[00:00:11] Welcome to one of the only podcasts in the world where articles are narrated to you for free with permission from the authors.

[00:00:18] And it's an award-winning podcast thanks to you.

[00:00:21] Today's a longer post so I'll read the first half but then finish the rest for you tomorrow.

[00:00:26] So with that let's get right to part one and start optimizing your life.

[00:00:30] The Want To vs Have To Ratio, Part 1 by Helene Massicotte of Free2Pursue.com

[00:00:41] Ever heard that if you want someone to do something you give it to the busy person?

[00:00:47] It's a saying I've heard over and over in both business school and business dealings and it's true.

[00:00:53] I used to live by that saying both as a doer and as a delegator because I knew it was effective, at least in the immediate.

[00:01:01] Assigning yet more responsibility or work to a busy person is essentially piling on the work on one of five types of people.

[00:01:10] Those who, number one, don't know how to say no.

[00:01:13] Number two, don't know or even want to believe he or she has a choice.

[00:01:18] Number three, worry about what saying no will do to the relationship with who's asking.

[00:01:23] Number four, think getting things done big or small earns them a good reputation.

[00:01:29] Or number five, believe a busy life is a happy life.

[00:01:34] Want to vs. have to.

[00:01:37] No matter which type of person the request ultimately goes to, it's detrimental to both parties,

[00:01:43] either in the short term or in the long term, because our level of happiness is based on our perception of want to activities versus have to activities.

[00:01:53] Feeling we're living authentically and with autonomy over our actions is hugely motivating,

[00:02:00] whether it be in our personal or business lives.

[00:02:03] At home and with friends, we feel we're in a collaborative and open environment.

[00:02:08] We want to help each other, support each other and spend time together because it feels good,

[00:02:13] not because we feel obligated to.

[00:02:16] When this feeling erodes, we start avoiding begrudgingly going through the motions,

[00:02:21] growing resentful, spreading negative gossip, looking for everything that's wrong as opposed to what's right

[00:02:28] and eventually move on as we feel the relationships are out of balance.

[00:02:33] At work, we feel we get to work on what we're passionate about as opposed to having to work on something that only matters to someone else.

[00:02:41] We feel aligned with what the organization is trying to accomplish.

[00:02:45] We need no prompting because we're running on our own fuel.

[00:02:49] Autonomy fuels effectiveness, creativity, passion, curiosity and problem solving.

[00:02:57] All of these are important characteristics of successful and productive people.

[00:03:02] Now conversely, a sense of obligation and constraint leads to drone-like compliance, resistance,

[00:03:09] retaliation, small and large, and eventually lower productivity that often leads to greater reliance on punishment and reward systems.

[00:03:19] More on the five types of yesers.

[00:03:22] Let's take a closer look at each of the different types of individuals introduced before

[00:03:28] and see how this plays out in their potential for success in maximizing happiness, the ultimate life currency.

[00:03:35] Number one, don't know how to say no.

[00:03:39] This person doesn't know how to say no.

[00:03:42] She or he says yes but lives no in her thoughts or subversive actions and yet still delivers for now.

[00:03:50] She smiles on the outside while her stomach is in knots.

[00:03:54] She asks follow-up questions as she thinks of the other things she's been setting aside to do what's requested.

[00:04:00] Hers is an existence of constant stress because the fear of what will be requested next is a constant distraction.

[00:04:09] Number two, don't know or even want to believe he or she has a choice.

[00:04:15] Resolute in the understanding that you do what you're asked.

[00:04:18] This individual lives his life based on what others want him to do.

[00:04:23] Self-determination is replaced by requests, suggestions, demands and edicts.

[00:04:28] The only redeeming value in this person's position is the lack of inner conflict that person number one experiences.

[00:04:36] From his perspective it's just the way life is.

[00:04:39] Passionless, predetermined and void of the responsibility for setting one's own direction.

[00:04:45] He's a member of the walking dead.

[00:04:47] Such a person is likely to take on debt because that's what's normal or expected

[00:04:53] and debt conveniently results in other parties telling us how we spend our money every month, one bill at a time.

[00:04:59] Such a person is also likely to follow his family's and society's suggested life steps.

[00:05:06] Study what his family says is a good career path,

[00:05:10] marry a quote-unquote suitable match and raise the quote-unquote right type of family,

[00:05:16] maybe even live in the right type of community.

[00:05:18] Structure is also important to this individual because his tolerance for uncertainty

[00:05:23] and personal responsibility is very low.

[00:05:27] Number three, worry about what saying no will do to the relationship with who's asking.

[00:05:33] This person is always worried about rocking the boat with everyone, friends, family, colleagues.

[00:05:41] Her fear of conflict builds a prison of obligation around her.

[00:05:45] She doesn't blame others for asking, but she blames herself for always thinking that saying no

[00:05:51] will be detrimental to a relationship she values.

[00:05:54] And because of this fact, she prefers to say yes rather than risk finding out the cost of rejecting a request.

[00:06:02] What's the harm in just doing what's asked anyway, right?

[00:06:05] As a result, those who care the most won't ask because they know her too well and care too much.

[00:06:11] Those who don't know they can get away with it, no questions asked.

[00:06:15] That means that she has less opportunity to help out those who care most about her

[00:06:20] because those who don't hog her time.

[00:06:24] Trying to be helpful, to be liked, and in someone's good books

[00:06:27] ultimately costs her the potential for stronger ties established with reciprocity and gratitude

[00:06:33] to those who value her most as a person.

[00:06:37] Number four, hear that on tomorrow's episode.

[00:06:40] You just listened to part one of the post titled,

[00:06:47] The Want To vs. Have to Ratio by Elen Masicott of free2pursue.com

[00:06:54] Thank you to Elen.

[00:06:55] We'll finish the rest tomorrow and hear a possible solution to all of this.

[00:07:00] In the beginning, she was talking about autonomy,

[00:07:03] which I think is huge even if we don't like working for ourselves per se.

[00:07:08] I think that sense of agency really does bring about a more general long term happiness

[00:07:14] compared to those who don't feel it.

[00:07:17] And again, you don't have to be running your own business to have that sense of agency or autonomy.

[00:07:22] Just having that feeling of control of our actions, choices, and then ultimately our future

[00:07:29] completely changes how we feel about our lives.

[00:07:32] And on the other hand, not having it can make us feel like we're just passengers of our lives

[00:07:38] drifting by one day at a time with no end in sight.

[00:07:42] So I do think it's really important.

[00:07:44] It'll be interesting to hear what Elen suggests as possible solutions to these scenarios,

[00:07:49] which by the way, I'm sure I've been in myself.

[00:07:53] But I'll stop there for now.

[00:07:54] Thank you for being here and listening every day.

[00:07:56] And I'll be back tomorrow to finish up this post where your optimal life awaits.