This post may contain affiliate links. Please read my disclaimer for more info.

dating biological clock

Hello everybody, welcome to episode 181 of Optimal Living Advice, the podcast where we take any questions you might have about the many struggles of life and get them answered for you here on the show. Today's question is on dating with a biological clock ticking.

I’m your host, certified life coach Greg Audino reminding you before we begin that if you have a question you would like help with on the show, we welcome you to email it to us at advice AT oldpodcast.com

My friends, we’ve got a question today that I’m really looking forward to. Our asker is in a tough spot concerning her future both as a romantic partner as a parent. There are some changes she feels she should make in order to insure a successful future in both areas, but are they the right changes? Let’s take a look at her situation and see if we can help her out. Here’s what she has to say…

QUESTION: “I struggle with the reality that I may not have another child due to my biological clock. It’s been a while (9 years) since my divorce and I’ve sorta stopped dating for fear of falling in a similar dating pattern where I can’t be myself or keep my ambition momentum w/o being interrupted by drama. I think “my future self” would appreciate me finding a solid relationship now and me having another child (as well as my son).

Listen to Greg narrate this post on dating with a biological clock ticking in Episode 181 of the podcast Optimal Living Advice.

Forget Your Future Self

All right, fair warning I’m answering this one at midnight which is outside of my usual time. Is my brain going to be up to par? We’ll see. I think you’ll be ok, I’m feeling very alert right now.

Look, across the board, I think you need to forget about your future self and what you think she might want. What does your present self want, right now?

Let’s start with the thought of having another child.

The Reason for Another Child

Some parents out there might drop their jaws, but I want you to ask yourself of what value another child is.

Maybe there is high value in it, maybe it’s something that does mean a lot to you for the right reasons. But maybe it’s also something you want to do to celebrate and make use of your remaining child birthing years.

If you’re feeling stumped by that, it’s ok; it could be very hard to tell the difference. It’s just that to me, when I hear you say things like “due to my biological clock” and “my future self would appreciate,” these things make me worry that you’re doing it just to say you could or guessing too much about your future feelings.

Listen to Shawna's thoughts on parenting goals on Episode 850 of the podcast Optimal Relationships Daily.

Words like those do not warm my heart or convince me that you’re as in love with the idea of having a child as you might want to be or think you are.

They make me feel like you’re just taking your best shot at avoiding regret, and no one ever had a fully healthy relationship with their child if they brought them into this world just for the sake of filling a void, whether they realized it or not.

The Issue of Dating with a Biological Clock Ticking

But maybe my instinct on that is wrong. I trust you to take a hard enough look in the mirror to come up with an honest answer.

For the purposes of this episode, the good news is that, future child or not, the issue about dating needs to be addressed all the same.

This one seems more raw and emotional to me. I’m going to reread part of your question, and I want you to take note of how your language differs from the terminology you used regarding having another child. I also want you to tell me where the problem is.

Here we go: “I’ve sorta stopped dating for fear of falling in a similar dating pattern where I can’t be myself or keep my ambition momentum w/o being interrupted by drama.”

Fear. Being yourself. Ambition. These kind of words matter to me, and I think that they matter to you too. I’m more convinced of your desire to date and feel love again than I am of your readiness to have another child.

And what do you notice that’s wrong with it? Where are you going wrong?

Listen to Marc and Angel's thoughts on what to remember when fear holds you back on Episode 1892 of the podcast Optimal Living Daily.

Fear, Pain, and The Future

To me, it’s clear that your fear is your biggest problem, and it’s the same desire to avoid a painful situation for your future self.

Just like with your child birthing concerns, I think you have a little more assumption than is ideal. We both know that your fear is preventing you from taking action which is preventing you from finding someone.

Love isn’t just going to fall into your lap because that’s what happens to nice, ambitious girls like yourself in the Disney movies. You need to play a part in this by approaching the dating scene.

We also both know that your fear is irrational (as a lot of fear is). Why will it have to be the same dating pattern? Why can’t you just go out there and be yourself, ambition and all, from the get go?

If you find someone and there’s drama or they don’t like who you are, then see ya later. I can only assume this has been how the relationship with your ex-husband or other dating partners has gone, but as you make good adjustments to yourself and entirely different people come into the mix, there’s no reason for it to be the same outcome with anyone you may try dating in the future.

Listen to Evan's thoughts on why a man would date you if he doesn't think you're the one on Episode 863 of the podcast Optimal Relationships Daily.

Conclusion: Dating with a Biological Clock Ticking

It sounds like at the core of this question, you’re just afraid of getting let down – either by having to deal with a bad date or a future without having another child. And I know you’re trying to think ahead and do what you think will be best in the long run (I do more than my fair share of the same thing).

But you’re clearly shooting yourself in the foot right now by playing this guessing game and trying to cover your bases. I worry that you’re detaching from yourself and who you are in this moment. You’re more than someone who happens to have a few years left of fertility.

Let go, be you and spend some time with the parts of you that just enjoy things as they are right now. By my estimation, that part of you needs to breathe not just for your own happiness, but secondarily, if you can ever reasonably expect to find the right person; someone that could make having a child with completely worthwhile.

You wouldn’t be doing anyone any favors by bringing an incomplete version of yourself to a romantic or parental relationship.

————

To the woman who sent this in, thank you dearly. I really appreciate it and I apologize if I seemed a little curt in my answer. Call it nighttime grouchiness.

But I firmly believe that your desire to plan for a fulfilling future has gone past the point of reasonable planning and into a point of too much assumption. ‘

There’s a fine line there in all of our planning that, when crossed, can really harm us not only in the future, but where we are right now. I tell you this because I love you. So I hope this episode helped and I hope you can go on to date bravely, learn from some almost inevitable bad dates, and come out on the other side of it confident in your ability to fulfill yourself, whether it’s just you, you and a partner or you, a partner and another kiddo.

That’s all for me, everyone. Thanks a lot for stopping in and listening until the end. Within you all a wonderful rest of your day, and I’ll catch you again in the next one. Bye guys.

Listen to Greg narrate this post on dating with a biological clock ticking in Episode 181 of the podcast Optimal Living Advice.

mm

Greg Audino

Greg Audino is a Rhode Island-born certified life coach, actor, and graduate of Goucher College. He is the host of the mental health podcast Optimal Living Advice and narrates dating, marriage, and parenting content over at Optimal Relationships Daily.
Minimalism Tips for Family Cheat Sheet

Minimalism Tips for Family Cheat Sheet

Enter your email to get our free PDF cheat sheet on minimalism tips for family members. You'll also get a weekly email with inspiration and life tips!

You have Successfully Subscribed!

Join my weekly newsletter for life tips, quotes, and free tools to optimize your life (and make my day)!

You have Successfully Subscribed!

Minimize Your Wardrobe: Inspiration File

Minimize Your Wardrobe: Inspiration File

Enter your email to get our free Inspiration File on minimizing your wardrobe. You'll also get a weekly email with inspiration and life tips!

You have Successfully Subscribed!

Checklist: How to Declutter Sentimental Items.

Checklist: How to Declutter Sentimental Items.

Enter your email to get our free PDF checklist on decluttering sentimental items. You'll also get a weekly email with inspiration and life tips!

You have Successfully Subscribed!

5-Day Email Course - Get Started with Minimalism

5-Day Email Course - Get Started with Minimalism

Enter your email to join our free 5-day ecourse on getting started with minimalism. You'll also get a weekly email with inspiration and tips to optimize your life!

You have Successfully Subscribed!

Checklist-How to Declutter Paper

Checklist-How to Declutter Paper

Enter your email to get our free PDF checklist on how to declutter paper. You'll also get a weekly email with inspiration and tips to optimize your life!

You have Successfully Subscribed!

Checklist - How to Declutter Books

Checklist - How to Declutter Books

Enter your email to get our free PDF checklist on how to declutter books. You'll also get a weekly email with inspiration and tips to optimize your life!

You have Successfully Subscribed!

Checklist - How to Help Kids Learn to Declutter Toys

Checklist - How to Help Kids Learn to Declutter Toys

Enter your email to get our free PDF checklist on how to help kids learn to declutter their toys. You'll also get a weekly email with inspiration and tips to optimize your life!

You have Successfully Subscribed!

Checklist - Bare Minimum of Items for Moving

Checklist - Bare Minimum of Items for Moving

Enter your email to get our free PDF checklist on the bare minimum of items you need when moving. You'll also get a weekly email with inspiration and tips to optimize your life!

You have Successfully Subscribed!

Checklist - Why Personal Finance is Important

Checklist - Why Personal Finance is Important

Enter your email to get our free PDF checklist on why financial literacy is important. You'll also get a weekly email with inspiration and tips to optimize your life!

You have Successfully Subscribed!

Cheat Sheet - How to Overcome Money Fears

Cheat Sheet - How to Overcome Money Fears

Enter your email to get our free PDF cheat sheet on overcoming money fears. You'll also get a weekly email with inspiration and tips to optimize your life!

You have Successfully Subscribed!

Bonus - Debt Payoff Tracker PDF

Bonus - Debt Payoff Tracker PDF

Enter your email to get our free PDF debt payoff tracker. You'll also get a weekly email with inspiration and tips to optimize your life!

You have Successfully Subscribed!

Cheat Sheet - How To Stay Motivated When You Feel Stuck

Cheat Sheet - How To Stay Motivated When You Feel Stuck

Enter your email to get our free PDF cheat sheet on maintaining your level of motivation. You'll also get a weekly email with inspiration and tips to optimize your life!

You have Successfully Subscribed!

Cheat Sheet - What Should I Do After A Deep Tissue Massage?

Cheat Sheet - What Should I Do After A Deep Tissue Massage?

Enter your email to get our free PDF cheat sheet on what to do after a deep tissue massage. You'll also get a weekly email with inspiration and tips to optimize your life!

You have Successfully Subscribed!

Cheat Sheet - Tips for Sitting at a Computer All Day

Cheat Sheet - Tips for Sitting at a Computer All Day

Enter your email to get our free PDF cheat sheet on tips to counter sitting at a computer all day. You'll also get a weekly email with inspiration and tips to optimize your life!

You have Successfully Subscribed!

Cheat Sheet - How Do I Stick to a Budget?

Cheat Sheet - How Do I Stick to a Budget?

Enter your email to get our free PDF cheat sheet on tips to stick to your budget. You'll also get a weekly email with inspiration and tips to optimize your life!

You have Successfully Subscribed!

Expert Tips - How to Get Over a Breakup

Expert Tips - How to Get Over a Breakup

Enter your email to get our free PDF with expert tips on getting over a breakup. You'll also get a weekly email with inspiration and tips to optimize your life!

You have Successfully Subscribed!

Expert Tips - How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others

Expert Tips - How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others

Enter your email to get our free PDF with expert tips on how to stop comparing yourself to others. You'll also get a weekly email with inspiration and tips to optimize your life!

You have Successfully Subscribed!

Expert Tips - 10 Health & Fitness Quotes

Expert Tips - 10 Health & Fitness Quotes

Enter your email to get our free PDF with health and fitness quotes from Optimal Health Daily episodes. You'll also get a weekly email with inspiration and tips to optimize your life!

You have Successfully Subscribed!

Cheat Sheet - Toxic Relationships

Cheat Sheet - Toxic Relationships

Enter your email to get our free PDF with tips on how to spot -- and get out of -- a toxic relationship. You'll also get a weekly email with inspiration, quotes, life tips, and more!

You have Successfully Subscribed!

newsletter_shout3

A Better You

Sign up for quick and easy weekly tips on productivity, happiness, and how to optimize your life.

You have Successfully Subscribed!

OLD Podcast: Library

OLD Podcast: Library

Enter your email to get your password to access our handy library. You'll also get a weekly email with inspiration and life tips!

You have Successfully Subscribed!

5-Day Email Course - Get Started with Personal Finances

5-Day Email Course - Get Started with Personal Finances

Enter your email to join our free 5-day ecourse on improving your personal finances. You'll also get a weekly email with inspiration and tips to optimize your life!

You have Successfully Subscribed!

Journaling Worksheet - PDF

Journaling Worksheet - PDF

Enter your email to get a sample of our journaling worksheet PDF with quotes and templates based on Optimal Living Daily episodes. You'll also get a weekly email with inspiration and tips to optimize your life!

You have Successfully Subscribed!

5-Day Email Course - Improve Your Health and Fitness

5-Day Email Course - Improve Your Health and Fitness

Enter your email to join our free 5-day ecourse on improving your health and fitness. You'll also get a weekly email with inspiration and tips to optimize your life!

You have Successfully Subscribed!